Fooling Ourselves
by Kelly of the midnight dawn
Summary: Elliot and Olivia part company and try to move on with their lives. Two and a half years later, they are reunited by the murder of Olivia’s husband. New foes and old enemies try to tear them apart once again. Can they survive? EO
1. Chapter 1: Parting Ways

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 1: Parting Ways**

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns them but he is EVIL! We must fight to liberate our poor tortured souls!**

**A/N: Okay, so I'm really not doing anything to liberate their tortured souls yet but you guys have to bear with me. You all know that I am the EOiest EO believer there is (or at least one of them) and all will work out. Also, I know I've been starting stories left and right but new episodes always inspire me. Which is one of the few plusses to having the whole summer without new episodes because maybe I can finish this story.**

"What did you mean when you asked me what I was going to do?" Elliot asked, sitting sadly beside Olivia on her couch. He hadn't gone to Kathy after handing Kathleen over to the traffic cops. He had come to Olivia and he didn't know why. That wasn't true, he knew why, he just wasn't ready to admit it yet.

Olivia sighed. She wasn't ready for this talk but why not have it now? She'd had enough uncomfortable talks today. What was one more in the grand scheme of things? "I…" she started and realized that this was going to be the most uncomfortable one of all. She took another deep breath "What are you going to do?" she asked again. There was no way she could tell him why she was asking until she knew his answer.

It was Elliot's turn to sigh "What do you think I'm going to do?" he had answered her question with one of his own. "Kathy's pregnant with my child. I can't let that child come into a world that I'm not a part of."

Olivia nodded. She knew how important Elliot's children were to him. She hadn't expected him to say that he would never have anything to do with this baby. Still, his response did not give her the answer she was so desperately searching for. "So you'll definitely be moving back home?" she asked.

Elliot Stabler had sat in the courtroom during enough trials to know what a fishing expedition sounded like. The problem was, he didn't know the answer to her question. He leaned back against the couch cushions "Got any beer?" he asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from this topic.

Always willing to oblige, Olivia nodded "Sure," she smiled softly as she rose from the couch. She walked the short distance to her refrigerator. She returned to the couch in only a few seconds with two bottles of beer. If she was going to get through this night, she was sure she would need at least one drink to take the edge off.

"Thanks," Elliot murmured before taking a long swallow before setting the by then half empty bottle on Olivia's coffee table.

Olivia sighed again, doing the same with her own beer. Although she was desperate to know the answer to her question, she was just as desperate to dodge it. What ever Elliot's answer was, she knew that things could never be the same between them. There had been a lot of those turning points in their friendship lately but this one was by far the biggest yet. She rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes and chose a different topic "The brass will have their decision tomorrow about my badge."

"What'll you do if they don't agree with Porter?" Elliot asked. This topic was just as uncomfortable for him as the other one. He could feel Olivia slipping away from him in every aspect. He had to stop it somehow.

Olivia sighed, possibly the heaviest sigh of the evening. She wasn't sure how to tell him about the offer that Porter had made her. She decided just to get it over with "He said he might be able to pull some strings for me at the bureau, try and get me a position with his unit."

"That's a great offer," Elliot stated. Even if she did get to keep her badge, she might actually pursue a position with the FBI. And what kind of friend would he be if he stood in her way?

"Yeah, yeah it is," Olivia mused. Still, she hoped that she wouldn't lose her badge. She had run away from Elliot too many times when he needed her in the past and she couldn't do that to him again. But if she was drummed out of the NYPD, there was no way she would be able to stay in New York. She would need to move on and begin a new life somewhere else.

A heavy silence descended upon them. Each was thinking about how they would be losing the other in one respect or another. It was a long time before either of them spoke again. Elliot was the first to venture conversation again "It's been a hell of a year," he said as if that simple statement could fix everything that was crashing down around them.

"Yeah," Olivia murmured, reaching for her bottle of beer and draining the last of it. She stood up and retrieved two more from the refrigerator; by the time she had returned to the couch, Elliot had finished his as well. "Here," she said, handing him the bottle.

"Thanks," he said, setting it on the table without touching it while Olivia took a few sips of hers.

She turned to him "I never said congratulations," she told him "I really am happy for you and Kathy."

"No you aren't," Elliot said flatly as he reached for his empty beer bottle and rolled it between his hands.

"Excuse me," Olivia slid away from him on the couch and looked at him with the shock that his words had caused, clearly written on her face."

Elliot set the empty bottle on the table and reached for the full beer; he drained it in one gulp. "You asked me what I was going to do. You don't need to ask me a question like that; we know each other too well. Yes, I'll move back in with Kathy and take care of her and the baby and you knew that. The fact that you asked means you were hoping I'd do something else."

Olivia hung her head. Damn her love for this man and her foolish hope that they had a chance. Damn that undercover assignment in Oregon when he had snuck into her dreams so much more forcefully than he ever had before. Damn her mouth for blurting that stupid question out instead of being the encouraging friend that she had become over the years. Just… Damn.

In all her cursing she never once held ill will towards Elliot for sleeping with Kathy or Kathy for telling him. She would have loved to curse Kathy but Elliot obviously cared about his wife, not even anything resembling ex-wife anymore, because they would definitely forget all about the divorce papers even if they were already signed. She couldn't hold any ill will towards Kathy.

Yet another heavy ominous silence had descended. Again, Elliot was the one who attempted to break it. "For what it's worth," he said softly "I wish I could choose differently."

"What?" Olivia looked up at him almost hopefully, though her heart seemed to be drowning at the same time as his words were lifting it just above the surface.

Elliot laid a hand on her arm "You are an incredible woman Olivia and… I care about you a lot," he couldn't get the words out right "I love you but… this thing… with Kathy being pregnant… I just wish…"

Olivia placed her hand on his cheek "I know," she said softly "I don't want to do anything to disrupt your family Elliot. No matter how much I may have wanted us to be together, I would never want you to turn your back on the things that you believe," her words were flowing from her heart as the tears began to pour from her eyes. She leaned forward and place a gentle kiss on his lips. She separated and stood up, clearing the empty beer bottles from the coffee table as she did so "Tell Kathy congratulations from me," she turned towards the kitchen and placed the bottles in the trash "Good night Elliot."

He stood to leave but instead closed the distance between them. He embraced her warmly, knowing that when he let go, it would have to be for good "I will always love you Olivia Benson," he whispered into her hair.

Olivia allowed her head to rest against his chest "I will always love you Elliot Stabler," she whispered back. She separated from him and turned away "You should leave now," her voice was small, choked back with emotion. It was already too painful to actually know that her feelings were reciprocated but that they would never and could never be acted upon.

Elliot walked to the door, wishing that she wasn't so understanding, wishing that she would scream at him, throw something at his head, tie him up and never let him leave. He reached for the doorknob and turned back to look at her. She had made no movement from where she stood, her back facing him, her shoulders shaking so slightly that no one who didn't know her would have been able to detect the movement. He opened the door and stepped through "Goodbye Olivia," he said barely loud enough for her to hear.

But she did hear. The sound of the door clicking shut sounded so final as it rang in her ears like a gong. That combined with his words and the situation in general pushed her over the edge and she crumbled to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and pounding her fists against the linoleum.

When she finally managed to climb to her feet, still sobbing, she ran into her bedroom and began flinging her possessions into her duffle bag. She just couldn't stay in this city after tonight, it would be too painful.

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She stood in the chief of detectives' office, face to face with the man who, literally and figuratively, held her badge in his hands. "Based on Agent Porter's statement," he began "I think we can chalk you actions up to your good instincts as a cop," he handed the badge back to her.

"Thank you Sir," she said with a half smile on her face before handing the badge back to him "But in light of recent events," she refused to elaborate on just which 'recent events' she was referring to "I think it's best if I leave the NYPD," she withdrew her duty weapon from it's holster at her waist and handed it to him.

"You're sure about this?" the chief asked.

Olivia nodded "There's nothing left in Manhattan for me anymore," she turned and left the office.

Dean Porter stood against the wall just outside, Olivia's duffle bag slung over one shoulder. "You're sure about this?" he asked when he saw her emerge.

Olivia nodded, sincerely hoping that that was the last time she would have to hear that question for a long time "Yeah," she whispered "Let's go."

**A/N: You guys have to stop throwing things. I know it's totally evil what I'm doing but you have to have faith. Faith in me and faith in Elliot and Olivia that they will find their way back to one another. Also, I don't remember what the name of the unit that Agent Porter was reassigned to was but I do remember that it was like the FBI version of SVU so that's what I'll be treating it as. And to TV Angel 711 who wrote me a PM asking about "NCISVU", if we're lucky, Olivia might run into some of our Navy cop buddies in her adventures with Porter.**

**Also I must explain that I haven't posted anything in a while because my cat was in the animal hospital for two days and she has an infection. She has only recently started eating again and I have felt like I am able to leave her side long enough to write and post this.**


	2. Chapter 2: Moving On

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 2: Moving On**

**A/N: This chapter goes back and forth between Elliot and Olivia's lives during different points over a period of about four months. I hope it isn't confusing.**

Elliot woke up the next morning and looked out his apartment window at the city. This was his last morning in his apartment. By the afternoon, he would be back in his house with his family. He should have been ecstatic. This was what he had wanted for the past two years. But when he looked out onto the city that morning while the rain fell, he felt a growing heaviness in his heart.

He sighed. How could something he had wanted so badly for so long now fill him with such dread? A baby, his baby, he couldn't turn his back on that. But so many other things had changed since the day he had come home to find that Kathy had taken the kids and left.

He got dressed and got ready for work. Maybe there would be a case that would keep him away for the next twenty four hours. Actually hoping to be working late was a new low for him. He just didn't want to go home, not yet.

His mind kept coming back to what had happened the night before. How could two people say that they would love each other forever and then simply walk away? One thing was for sure, it was going to put more than the usual amount of stress on their partnership. Little did Elliot know that by the time he got to the squad room, Olivia would have long since cleared out her desk again and would be well on her way to her new life.

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"Agent Porter speaks highly of you Detective Benson," Henry Fisher, the lead agent of Porter's unit said, extending a hand towards Olivia.

Olivia took his hand and gave it a firm shake, smiling politely as she did so. She didn't bother correcting him on the point that she was no longer a detective. "It's good to meet you," she told the older man.

The next hour and a half was spent discussing her qualifications and what she would need to do to become a field agent. Olivia listened intently, nodding when appropriate but her mind started to drift. Had she really just left her old life behind? It hadn't really sunk in yet. She knew that when it did, it would hit her hard.

"And of course, once you pass the firearms qualification," Fisher was saying "You will be able to get to work."

Olivia nodded and stood up "Thank you Sir," she left the office.

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"My home away from home," Porter grinned opening the door to his New Jersey apartment and leading Olivia inside.

Olivia collapsed on the couch, feeling foolish that she had given up her apartment in Manhattan without any arrangements for where to stay "Not bad," she remarked. "But if this is your home away from home, where is home?" she asked.

Porter sank down beside her "The office," he sighed.

Olivia nodded, that was a feeling she knew all too well. She leaned back "Thanks for giving me this chance Dean," she said softly.

"No problem," he smiled, sliding closer to her on the couch "Are you okay?" he asked.

Olivia looked at him and decided she wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone just yet. So she simply nodded "Yeah," she said. She stretched her arms above her head and tried to stifle a yawn. The day had taken its toll on her.

"Tired?" Porter asked.

Olivia nodded reluctantly "A little," she answered.

Porter smiled "You're bag's in the bedroom. You can sleep in there."

Olivia stood up "Thanks, but I'll be just fine out here. I don't want to make you feel like a guest in your own apartment."

"Don't worry about it," Porter smiled up at her as he extended his legs across the couch to occupy the space where Olivia had previously been sitting "Perfectly comfortable."

Olivia yawned again, she was too tired to argue about this "Okay," she shrugged and turned in the direction of the bedroom. She had just pushed the door open when Porter spoke again.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry about what happened with Elliot," hearing his name only made her heart ache for him.

"Thanks," she grumbled before closing the door.

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Elliot walked through the halls of Belleview's prison ward. The lawyer he had gotten for Kathleen hadn't been able to keep her out of jail. The judge had been especially unhappy about the appearance of a cover up. She had only been a week into her sentence when someone had stabbed her. The news had spread that she was a cop's kid and it seemed like all the other women were out to get her.

Elliot pushed the door open to the room in the intensive care unit. Kathy was already sitting by Kathleen's side. Elliot knew that the stress that Kathy was under couldn't be good for the baby. Kathy had taken to externalizing her stress, yelling at Elliot about even the smallest things and once even slapping him across the face. He had simply swallowed his pride, reminding himself that she was pregnant and he went on with life as usual.

Kathy looked up "Hey," she said, in a soft tone that held undertones of anger.

Elliot simply nodded at his wife and pulled a chair up beside Kathleen's bed. "How are you doing today?" he asked.

"It hurts to breathe," Kathleen answered weakly.

"I know it does," Elliot had been talking to the doctors about her condition every chance he got "I'm sorry honey."

"Damn right you're sorry," Kathy muttered angrily.

Both Elliot and Kathleen glanced in Kathy's direction but both chose to ignore her comment. Elliot glanced at his watch. "I have to get back to work sweetie," he said sadly, leaning in to plant a kiss on his daughter's forehead "I'll be back this afternoon, okay."

"Okay," Kathleen managed a faint smile.

Elliot left the room, trying to ignore Kathy's mutterings about how if he wasn't always working they wouldn't be such a messed up family. And then he heard the words he'd been listening to for the last month, the words that made him sad and angry at the same time.

"At least Olivia's gone."

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"Congratulations Agent Benson," the smile on Henry Fisher's face was a mile wide as he handed her the badge.

Olivia bowed her head. A new badge, a new job, a new life, it was all very humbling "Thank you Sir," she said softly as she held the badge in her hands, tracing the lettering on it reverently. It had been a long few months completing the courses necessary to become a field agent but it all seemed worth it now.

"Now get out there and make the bureau proud," Fisher told her, giving her a pat on the shoulder.

"Yes Sir," she said quickly. When she turned around to leave the room, she noticed that the smile that Fisher had been wearing was nothing compared to the look of absolute pride on Porter's face. She flashed him a small smile as she walked past him into the hallway.

He had been flirting with her for the past three months and she had repeatedly shot him down but she had to admit that he was growing on her. She had finally managed to find her own apartment in Jersey after having lived with Porter for a week. But that didn't stop him from coming by everyday.

She walked to her car quickly; she heard Porter's footsteps behind her and didn't want to give him the opening that he was almost certainly looking for. She pulled her keys out when she heard him call out to her.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" he asked.

_Damn,_ Olivia turned around to look at him "I promised I'd meet Simon for lunch," she lied.

Porter stood against her car, looking intently into her eyes. His stare made her shift uncomfortably "Reschedule," he said simply "Come on, you just became a field agent. We should go out and celebrate."

"Dean," Olivia sighed but he placed a finger over her lips.

"It's been three months Olivia. How long are you going to deny yourself human companionship because of a married man?"

Olivia turned away, feeling her emotions beginning to overtake her "It would never work between us Dean," she told him.

"Why not?" he asked "You're still in love with him, I understand that but… All I'm asking for is a chance."

Olivia looked back at him "I don't know…"

"Just dinner," Porter smiled "I'll pick you up at seven."

Olivia shrugged "Okay but you're buying."

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"And that's your baby's heartbeat," the OBGYN said, smiling at Elliot and Kathy.

Elliot found himself captivated by the miracle of life as he had been each time that Kathy had been pregnant. This time however, the beauty of what they had created was overshadowed by Kathy's cold attitude towards him. Even in the doctor's office, Elliot was relegated to the corner, not allowed to so much as hold his wife's hand.

At home, he had been allowed to sleep in his bed with Kathy for all of a week before she had driven him to the guest room with endless insults towards not just him but his by now long absent partner.

He missed Olivia everyday. He had tried calling her but she had changed her cell phone number. He tried tracking her down through Simon but Simon's loyalty was to his sister and, though he was apologetic to Elliot for it, he told him that Olivia had told him specifically that she was trying to make a clean break and he would not betray her.

Elliot wished that he had made a different choice three months ago. He should have stayed with her, held on to her as their world was crumbling. Now his world only continued to crumble and he had no one to hold him. Even the small miracle that was his and Kathy's baby made him wish that Olivia could be there to see it. He even foolishly wished sometimes that he was having this baby with Olivia.

He had, a few weeks prior to the ultrasound, suggested to Kathy that they make Olivia the baby's Godmother. That had been a big mistake. It was a good thing that Dickie and Elizabeth were out with friends at the time because she had used language he didn't even think his children new and that he hoped his unborn child couldn't hear. She had run into the guest bedroom and torn open the drawer of the bedside table. Inside the drawer was a photograph of Olivia. She had ripped it right down the middle, screaming that that 'fucking whore' could go straight to hell for all she cared and that there was no way in hell that she would let some 'pathetic slut' have anything to do with any of her children.

When Elliot attempted to argue she slapped him across the face repeatedly. He tried to shield himself from her blows but there was little he could do without fighting back and he would never ever hit Kathy.

He had put ice on his bruises and taped the picture back together again. To Simon's credit, he mailed Elliot a more current photo of Olivia to replace the one Kathy had destroyed. Elliot went on with life as if the incident had never happened.

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," Kathy said "We need to know what color to paint the nursery."

The doctor smiled "It's a girl."

Kathy smiled at the doctor and then turned to Elliot "We are not naming this kid Olivia," she snapped bitterly.

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Olivia sat at the kitchen table in Simon's house, playing go fish with Lucy's six year old son Charlie. "Do you have any threes?" she asked.

Charlie grinned, showing off the gap where his two front baby teeth had been the week before "Here Aunt Olivia," he said as he handed her the three of hearts from his hand.

Olivia loved being called 'Aunt Olivia' and she loved spending time with Charlie. For the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged somewhere. But there was still that gaping hole in her heart that had been made that night in Manhattan four months ago. She found herself wondering from time to time how Elliot was doing but she tried not to dwell on those thoughts.

"Thank you Charlie," she grinned, taking the three from him "Do you have any aces?"

"Go Fish!" Charlie exclaimed gleefully.

Olivia was about to pick up a card from the deck when Simon appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Sorry to interrupt," he said to Charlie and then turning to Olivia "Dean's here, says you have a case."

Olivia stood up from the table "Thanks for the game Charlie. We'll play again next time I'm here okay."

Charlie got up and ran around the table to where Olivia stood "I don't want you to go Aunt Olivia. Why do you have to go?" he sniffled.

Simon walked into the room and scooped Charlie up "Aunt Olivia has to go catch the bad guys," he explained.

"Okay," Charlie said reluctantly. Simon set him down and he gave Olivia a big hug "Go get em!" he shrieked and ran off laughing.

"He's a good kid," Olivia told Simon as he walked her to the front door.

"Yeah," Simon agreed. He looked through the screen door to where Agent Porter was standing on the porch. He turned back to Olivia "You be careful," he told her firmly as he pulled her into a hug.

"I will," she promised "I'll call you later." She stepped onto the porch and waved to Simon as she followed Porter down the steps.


	3. Chapter 3: Better Days

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 3: Better Days**

**A/N: Again, this chapter shows parts of Elliot and Olivia's lives, skipping ahead bit by bit. I hope it isn't confusing but I didn't want to skip a whole big chunk of time and then go back and explain how things got to be the way they are. I hope you enjoy.**

Elliot popped into Kathleen's hospital room for his customary noontime visit. As always, Kathy was there, he presence lowering the room's temperature by several degrees. Elliot was quick with his visit as he always was when Kathy was there and he left in a rush, trying as always to ignore the acidic comments that she hurled after him.

After he was gone, Kathleen turned to her mother "I wish you weren't so hard on him," she murmured.

"If it wasn't for him," Kathy countered "You wouldn't be in this place."

Kathleen shook her head "No mom," she said quietly "I made my own decisions and that's why I'm here."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Kathy said reassuringly, leaning forward and stroking her daughter's hair.

"Mom," Kathleen said sharply "I got drunk and decided to drive and I got caught. I took it for granted that Dad would protect me from it but that was wrong of me. I should be here."

Kathy sat back in her chair and placed her hand over her stomach "You shouldn't forgive him."

"I haven't forgiven him," Kathleen said firmly "Because he didn't do anything wrong."

Kathy doubled over in her chair suddenly with a small groan. Kathleen was about to call for a nurse for her mother when Kathy sat up again and smiled. She reached for her daughter's hand and placed it over her stomach "The baby's kicking," she said quietly.

Kathy had successfully managed to move the topic of conversation away from how she had been treating Elliot lately as Kathleen smiled in amazement at the sensation beneath her hand "Wow," she whispered.

Kathy looked at the clock on the wall. "I have to go," she told her daughter, standing up and giving Kathleen a kiss on the cheek "I'll be back later, I promise."

"Okay Mom," Kathleen nodded.

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"You did great," Porter reassured Olivia as she tipped back her third beer. They had finally caught a pedophile who had jumped bail in Virginia and managed to terrorize children in three different states before they caught up with him. When they finally found him, he was holding a little boy hostage. They got the boy out and took the guy down with no problem but Olivia just couldn't forget the look in that little boy's eyes.

"He's never gonna be the same," she murmured as she flagged the bartender down and ordered another beer. It just never got any easier. They might have saved that boy but all Olivia could think was they should have gotten their sooner.

Porter put a hand on her arm as she reached for the beer that the bartender set in front of her "I guess I'm driving?" he asked half teasingly.

"Shove it," Olivia almost spat back at him, pushing his hand off of her and tipping back the beer. She didn't know why she was so mad at him. He had tried to be the emotional support that she needed. He had been nothing but kind to her. In the end, it wasn't him she was mad at. It was herself. She was beginning to fall for him and it felt like she was being unfaithful to Elliot. She still had that gaping hole in her heart and it felt like there was nothing that could ever make it go away. But Dean made the pain easier, more bearable and she hated herself for allowing herself to feel anthing for anyone other than Elliot.

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Kathy knocked on the open door of the guest room. Elliot, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, looked up and half smiled at her, quickly hiding the photograph of Olivia under the pillow. "Hey," he said softly.

Kathy walked in slowly and took a seat beside him on the bed, making sure to keep a good distance between them "The baby kicked today," she told him in a whisper.

Elliot smiled "That's great." He wished he'd been there to feel it kick but there would be other chances.

"I've been a bitch," Kathy sighed.

"No," Elliot told her quickly, reaching out to her but she shrugged him off.

"Yes I have Elliot," she said firmly "My hormones are going insane and I've been taking it out on you."

"Kath-" he said softly but she cut him off.

"And I know why I've been acting the way I have," she told him "I'm angry with you." Elliot opened his mouth to say something but Kathy continued "I gave up so much when I was pregnant with Maureen. I became committed to you and I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready."

"You're a great mom Kathy," Elliot reassured her.

"Please let me finish Elliot," tears began to appear in Kathy's eyes "It wasn't working between us and then you said you wanted to come home, that you wanted to work things out and, damn it Elliot, I'll always have a soft spot for you and that's part of why I'm angry," the tears were running down her cheeks full force now "Then we slept together. You were in a bad place that night and you needed me so I was there but…" she paused and took a shuddering breath "When I found out I was pregnant… I can't do this alone Elliot and I knew that… no matter whet, I was gonna have to beg you to come home."

Elliot was about to say that she didn't have to beg him but the look in her eyes told him that he should remain silent.

"I can't stand this anymore," she sobbed "This marriage… it's… it's killing me Elliot," she held her hands to her face "I hated you for getting me pregnant again," she was crumbling and Elliot reached out to wrap her in his arms "No," she said quietly, pushing him away "I have no objections to you being part of our baby's life but please Elliot, please, I need this marriage to be over."

Elliot had never heard Kathy put it like that. He had never thought that she could possibly resent him for the direction her life had taken when she was so young and the one it was taking now. He saw her so broken in front of him and realized that it was no one else's fault but his. In that moment all religious obligations meant nothing. He cared to much about Kathy to be slowly crushing her soul. "I'll call my lawyer in the morning," he said softly "We can settle this quietly."

"Thank you," Kathy sniffled, attempting to wipe the tears from her eyes. "You can stay here until you find somewhere else to stay," she told him.

"I won't stay too long," he promised.

Kathy stood up and turned towards the door. At the last second she turned back "I still want you to be in the delivery room with me when the time comes," she whispered.

"You got it," Elliot half smiled and watched Kathy leave the room, still looking like a heavy burden rested on her shoulders. He lay back on the bed and retrieved the picture of Olivia from under his pillow.

He looked back on that night and remembered how she had looked. He had just left her because of some small hope that he could save an already failed marriage. He had been such an idiot. He could find her now and tell her that he could be with her now. But that wasn't fair to her. She had probably moved on with her life and he had no right to go and drag her into a relationship with him. It had been almost five months since that night. She had almost certainly found someone else by now. He sighed and replaced the picture in the drawer of the nightstand. At least he could still dream about her.

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Olivia chose to stay in and commemorate the passing of the six month anniversary of her decision to leave Manhattan by sitting alone in the dark. She heard the knock at her apartment door and chose to ignore it but the knocking wouldn't stop. Eventually, the person doing the knocking decided to start calling her name.

"Olivia, I know you're in there!" Porter said, probably louder than he needed to "You can't just ignore me! I can stand out here all night if I have to!"

Olivia sighed and, drying her eyes, rose from the couch. She crossed the space to the door and opened it "What do you want Dean?" she asked, trying to sound agitated but she couldn't help being glad to see him; deep down, she really didn't want to be alone tonight.

"Thought you'd like some company," he shrugged.

Olivia stepped away from the door and let him in. She returned to the couch without looking at him and sat down. He took a seat beside her and draped an arm around her shoulders. She made no effort to push him away and in fact leaned in to him slightly "Six months," she whispered "It's been six months. Only six months, it feels like an eternity."

"I know," Porter said understandingly. He knew from first hand experience that love could make you do strange things.

"I still miss him," she whispered.

Porter nodded, pulling her closer "You always will," he told her.

Olivia looked up at him "Thanks," she said sarcastically. She let her head fall back against his shoulder "That helps."

"It's true," Porter told her "I never told anyone about this before," he began "But ten years ago there was this girl…"

"Is this going to be one of those 'tis better to have loved and lost' things?" Olivia asked wearily.

"Sometimes I ask myself if it was better," Porter sighed.

Olivia looked up at him, curiosity getting the better of her "What happened?" she asked.

"She got shot in a hostage situation that went bad," he said quietly "She was always trying to do right by people and…" he stopped, unable to go on.

Porter's more than uneasy behavior when Simon had been holding Julia hostage all of a sudden made perfect sense to Olivia. She pulled Porter closer and held him tight "It's okay," she soothed, encouraging him to cry as long as he needed to.

Porter finally found his voice again and continued "I became totally closed off after that. I became totally dedicated to my work and didn't let anyone in."

"How long did that last?" Olivia asked, hoping that it wasn't long. The gaping hole in her heart only served to crush her on a daily basis.

Porter pulled away and looked her in the eye "Until the day I met you," he replied honestly.

Olivia was shocked by his admission for a moment. She slowly leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. His hand went to the back of her head and the kiss deepened. The two of them sat like that for a long time.

When they pulled away, Porter smiled softly "I'm glad I met you," he whispered.

Olivia nuzzled against him "I'm glad I met you too," she whispered. And as she sat there with Dean Porter, she felt the hole in her heart, beginning to grow smaller and for the first time, she didn't feel guilty about it.

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Elliot stood at the window looking into the nursery. Rose Olivia Stabler was in the third bassinette from the end. Kathy had actually picked out their daughter's middle name. She said that it seemed to suit her.

Ever since they had finalized the divorce, Elliot and Kathy had actually become friends. Their relationship was no longer based on sex or on financial dependence. Elliot actually felt good, for the most part. He still stared at the picture of Olivia every night before he went to bed, wondering if she was all right, hoping she was happy. He dreamed of her, sometimes two or three times a night. He wished he could apologize for the way he had left her but he had no way to get in touch with her.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Kathleen. Kathleen had been released from the hospital only a month before her sister's birth. By then of course, her six month sentence had been long over "Hi honey," he smiled.

"Hey," Kathleen said softly, hugging her father gently; the place where she had been stabbed still hurt if someone leaned against it too heavily. She turned her attention to the nursery window "She's beautiful isn't she?" she asked with a faint smile.

Elliot nodded "She sure is."

**A/N: I can't stress this enough, have faith.**


	4. Chapter 4: Drifting

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 4: Drifting**

Olivia, Porter, Fisher and the rest of their team descended upon the warehouse. From what they knew, Samuel Benjamin had already moved on. This was simply a thorough search.

They entered the warehouse in pairs. Olivia went in beside Agent Leslie Riley. The two women made their way up to the second floor of the warehouse. Porter and Agent Jake Parker took the first floor. Fisher stayed outside to coordinate.

Even though the warehouse was abandoned, Olivia had the strangest feeling that they weren't alone. As she and Leslie approached the last room on the second floor, she heard a noise. Her hand went to her gun but not fast enough.

She spun around to see Leslie on the floor, her gun, lying just out of her reach. Samuel Benjamin stood in front of her with an evil grin on his face. He kicked Leslie in the throat.

Olivia pulled her gun "Freeze," she told him firmly.

Benjamin pulled his own gun "I don't think so," he smirked "Put your gun on the floor right now or I'll kill you both."

Olivia looked over at Leslie. The other agent was having trouble breathing. The kick to the throat had been very severe. Leslie needed medical attention soon. Olivia thought that maybe she could better reason with Benjamin if she played along with him.

"Okay," Olivia said slowly as she bent, keeping her eyes on Benjamin the entire time, and set her gun on the floor. She rose and took a tentative half step forward. She stuck her hands in the air to show him that they were empty "Sam, Agent Riley needs medical attention. You need to let her leave."

Benjamin looked down at Leslie who continued to struggle for each breath. He reached out and grabbed Olivia, pulling her in front of him "I'll let her go but you stay with me," he whispered in her ear.

Olivia nodded then looked at Leslie "Go," she commanded.

Leslie didn't have the energy to argue. She made an attempt to get up but fell back to her knees almost instantly. She tried desperately to move but was unable.

Olivia watched helplessly as Leslie fought to move. She made an effort to reach her friend but Benjamin's grip on her was too strong "Try and relax Less," she attempted to soothe the woman, knowing now that the only way that Leslie was getting out of there now was in a body bag.

Leslie stopped fighting to get up and after a last ditch effort to get air into her lungs, collapsed completely and lay motionless.

Olivia turned to look at Benjamin, fixing him with an angry glare "Deal's off," she hissed as she made an attempt to bring her foot back and hit him in the crotch but Benjamin was too quick for her and just as her foot left the ground, she was thrown against the wall.

He pulled her to her feet once more just as Fisher's voice came over her radio "Porter and Parker have finished up down here. What have you found up there?"

"Answer him," Benjamin commanded, pressing the barrel of his gun against her temple.

Olivia pushed the button on the radio, her finger shaking slightly "Sam Benjamin's here Sir," she informed Fisher. "He took us by surprise…" she choked on the next words "Leslie's dead." She would have continued but Benjamin began yelling.

"I want a getaway car and safe passage out of town or I'll kill this one too!"

"All right," Fisher responded evenly over the radio "But we'll need some time."

"How long?" Benjamin asked; his voice full of agitation and fear. His attitude made Olivia afraid that he could pull the trigger at any moment, either on purpose or by accident. He was a caged animal and she was his last chance but he was so on edge that just one wrong move and his finger could slip and…

"An hour," Fisher answered, trying to keep Benjamin calm.

"You have thirty minutes!" Benjamin screamed before knocking the radio out of Olivia's hands.

Outside, Fisher and Parker were dividing up tasks while Porter simply stood there. This couldn't be happening again. Suddenly, all he could think of was Eve and that day ten years ago. He fell to his knees, all his senses numbed as he thought about how he couldn't lose Olivia.

He had taken such a risk opening his heart up to someone again but now... tears began to cloud his vision as snipers and hostage negotiators arrived. He began to pray for a miracle. Olivia was a smart person, she could talk her way out of this, he told himself. But Eve had been smart too. Eve had done everything right and still been killed.

Then, one sound invaded Dean Porter's senses. A single gunshot pierced through the haze and gravity pulled him the rest of the way to the ground.

Fisher was the only one on the team, with the exception of Olivia, who knew anything about Eve and what had happened. When Dean had first fallen to his knees, Parker moved towards him but Fisher stopped him, telling the other man to leave Dean be. The best thing they could do for him now was to make sure Olivia got out alive.

Now that Dean was lying face down on the ground, Fisher was the one who stepped towards him. He reached out to touch the other man on the shoulder when someone stopped him "Let me," Olivia whispered, still looking shaky from the situation she had just narrowly escaped.

Fisher stepped aside and watched as Olivia knelt in front of Dean and lifter him into her arms. "It's all right," she whispered as she rubbed his back, allowing his tears to soak her shirt and mix with Benjamin's blood. "I'm right here. I'm okay."

It took Dean a minute or so to realize that she was indeed really there. He hugged her back, glad that she was still there. He continued to sob, whispering "Thank God," over and over again.

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Elliot entered the bedroom to see Kathy lying on the bed, looking completely defeated. Rose lay in her crib just a few feet away, practically creaming her head off. Elliot went to the crib first and picked up his newborn daughter "There we go," he cooed as he bounced her gently. She just wanted to be held. He walked over to the bed "What's going on Kathy?" he asked.

"I just…" Kathy whispered, rolling onto her side facing away from Elliot "I can't do it today," she finished. "Could you… could you just take her for a few days?"

"Sure," Elliot said softly "But Kathy, she's your daughter too."

"I know," Kathy sighed "I just… I can't handle taking care of her right now."

Elliot got up and began to pack Rose's diaper bag "Do you want me to take Dickie and Liz for a few days too?" he asked.

"Nah," Kathy murmured "Dickie has a big test tomorrow in Algebra. He could probably use the quiet," she sighed and made the mistake of rolling over to face Elliot, revealing her red rimmed and puffy eyes.

Elliot stopped short "Kathy…?" he murmured. She had been crying… a lot. He took a step forward, shifting Rose's weight to one arm and reaching out to Kathy with the other "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Not really," Kathy admitted, rolling onto her other side so she wouldn't have to look at Elliot or their baby anymore. She didn't have the strength to deal with a crying infant, especially one that didn't seem to like her in the least. "Please," she said in a voice barely above a whisper "Just take her for a few days," she took a deep shuddering breath "I'll be all right, I promise. I just need a few days."

"Okay," Elliot said. He was happy to spend time with his newborn daughter but Kathy's behavior left him feeling more than a little unsettled. He slung the diaper bag over his shoulder "Do me one favor first," he said, sliding onto the bed beside Kathy.

"What?" Kathy asked, not even able to find the energy to be irritated with him.

"Hold her," he said softly, shifting Rose gently into Kathy's arms. Rose wrapped her tiny fingers around her mother's hand and cooed. Kathy in response, pressed a tender kiss to her daughter's forehead while fresh tears poured down her cheeks. She passed the baby back to Elliot and he stood up. "Bye Kathy," he said simply.

On his way out of the house, he paused to speak to Kathleen "Keep an eye on your mom," he said quietly so as not to alarm the twins who were watching TV in the living room.

Kathleen nodded, hugging her father and giving her baby sister a kiss. "She's been like this for the last couple of days," she informed him "She can't even get within two steps of the crib without bursting into tears."

"We'll see if the break does her some good," Elliot said, trying to sound optimistic before adding "If you need anything…"

"I know the number Dad," Kathleen half laughed.

Elliot smiled and left the house. He strapped Rose into the car seat that he had been driving around with in his car since a week before she was even born "You're gonna get to see Daddy's place for the first time," he smiled at the infant.

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"Do you Simon Marsden take Lucile Evans…" Olivia sat in the front of the church, watching her baby brother get married. Lucy had asked Olivia to be one of the bride's maids but Olivia had declined. It wasn't that she didn't want to but even as it was, she had barely managed to get to the church in time for the 'I do's.

Olivia smiled and clapped when the bride and groom kissed. It was so good to see two people so in love. She looked beside her at Dean, who she had dragged with her to the wedding. He hadn't needed much convincing to come though. Since the hostage situation almost a month ago, there was rarely a moment that he wasn't within a stone's throw of her.

That first night Dean hadn't been able to stop crying. Olivia had taken him home and climbed into bed with him, holding him while he cried. And she had been there to talk with him when a nightmare had shaken him from his sleep. Olivia, of course, had already been awake for hours before hand. The two of them had talked about the uncertainties of their profession. They had carefully weighed the risks of heartache against the possibility of finding happiness and at three thirty four exactly, they decided that it was worth the risk.

The ceremony ended and the guests left the church, piling into their cars for the mass migration to the hall where the reception was going to be. Dean held the passenger's side door open for Olivia before going around to the driver's side and getting in.

"It was a beautiful service," he remarked as he started the car.

"Yeah," Olivia nodded as a small smile graced her lips "I'm glad you came. I know how uncomfortable you are around Simon."

Dean shrugged "Well, you can't really make small talk with a guy who you tried to put away."

"He doesn't blame you," Olivia reassured him "He doesn't even hold any ill will towards Julia," this last part Olivia couldn't understand.

"Still…" Dean murmured. It wasn't enough to know you had someone's forgiveness. Dean wasn't able to forgive himself for getting drawn into Julia Milfield's little misguided revenge scheme.

In spite of his discomfort around Simon, he had been able to ask the man for one thing over the past couple of days and he had gotten Simon's blessing. Two blocks away from the reception hall, he stopped the car and turned to Olivia.

"Dean, why are we stopping here?" she asked, confused, staring at him with those innocent brown eyes he loved so much.

He reached into his pocket and fumbled around "Olivia," he began. His throat suddenly felt dry as his mouth struggled to form the words. His fingers closed around the jewelry box and he pulled it out. In his mind he toyed with the idea of getting down on one knee in the car. He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid onto the floor boards of the car.

"What are you doing?" Olivia laughed as she was pretty sure she heard one of his vertebrae crack.

Dean groaned and managed to pop the jewelry case open "Olivia Benson," he moaned while he struggled to hold the uncomfortable position "Will… you…"

Olivia covered her mouth as she fought not to burst into laughter and tears at the same time "You're gonna hurt yourself," she asmonished.

"Too late," Dean groaned loudly before he started again "Olivia, will you…" he stopped again.

Olivia couldn't help it anymore, she burst into full blown laughter "If I say yes, will it put an end to this painful spectical?"

"Can you help me up?" he asked, pleadingly.

Olivia smirked and managed to untwist Dean from his contorted position. She helped him back onto the driver's seat and waited while he caught his breath. He sat there for a minute, feeling like such an idiot. Then something occurred to him "Did you say yes?" he asked.

"I guess I did," Olivia smiled, giving her knew fiancé a peck on the cheek.

**A/N: Don't kill me. You guys have to trust me on this one. Everything happens for a reason. You just have to have faith.**


	5. Chapter 5: The Little Things

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 5: The Little Things**

**A/N: I told all of you to have faith in me and that faith is about to pay off. By the end of this chapter, the skipping ahead thing will stop. The last two sections occur on the same day just so you know.**

Elliot paces the floor of his apartment as he burped Rose. Those few days that Kathy had originally asked him for had turned into weeks and weeks had turned to months. He kept begging Kathy to seek help for what was obviously more than just a little sadness. She had staunchly refused.

He told her that he would be willing to take all of the children so that she could take a little vacation or something. She promised him that he was all right and that she could take care of the twins. But Kathleen was the one who ended up taking care of Dickie and Elizabeth while Kathy just drifted farther and farther out of reach of reality.

He placed Rose in her baby swing and sat down on the couch. He watched as his now two and a half month old daughter as she smiled at him "You like your swing don't you?" he mused. He loved spending time with Rose, whenever his hectic work schedule would allow. She was just amazing. I broke his heart to leave her with the babysitter everyday. So when he was with her, he tried to absorb every moment, catalog every precious memory in his mind. He found himself wishing on more than one occasion that Olivia was there to enjoy these special times with him. He only hoped that wherever she was and whatever she was doing with her lif, she was happy.

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The wedding was in two weeks and Olivia couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned in the bed beside her soon to be husband who slept as if he didn't have a care in the world. It was nights like these when she thought about Elliot. She had said yes to Dean. Why, why had she said yes? She cared about Dean but there was no way that she could ever love him the way she loved Elliot.

She got out of bed and grabbed her car keys. She needed to clear her head. While the world slept, Olivia Benson let her thoughts guide her. As if on autopilot, she drove to New York. Before she knew it, she was in Queens, taking an all too familiar street.

The house was dark. Olivia assumed that they were all asleep. She didn't know that Elliot had moved out several months earlier.

She just sat there, staring at the house and thinking about Elliot. Was it fair to Dean to marry him when her heart belonged to Elliot? Was it fair to Elliot to come back into his life after so long? She had already said yes to Dean and she couldn't turn away from that commitment, it would crush him and though she loved Elliot, she also cared quite a lot for Dean.

The day of the wedding was, by a strange twist of fate, also the one year anniversary of the day she had left New York without so much as a note to Elliot. She knew that Elliot loved her but after leaving the way that she did, she didn't think he would ever forgive or trust her again. But it would be worth it to throw away everything she had with Dean and the bureau if it meant she could see Elliot one last time. She wanted to see him again and if nothing else, she wanted him to be at the wedding.

The shrill ring of her cell phone cut through her thoughts. She looked at the illuminated screen. It was Dean. She flipped the phone open "Hi," she said simply and almost sadly.

"Olivia, Oh thank God," she heard him breathe a sigh of relief on the other end "Are you all right?"

It was then that Olivia realized that she had left without leaving a note. A sudden wave of guilt overcame her as she thought of how much he must have worried about her. He cared so much about her. She took a deep breath "I'm fine," she told him. "I just needed a drive to clear my head."

"Pre-wedding jitters?" he asked in an understanding tone.

"Yeah," she whispered, still staring at Elliot's dark house "Something like that."

"Wanna come home and talk about it?" he asked.

"Not just yet," she responded, not able to tear her eyes away from the house. Then Dean said something that made her heart melt.

"Please come home? I need you here with me," he sounded so small and lost that in that moment she knew that she had to be with him.

"See you in twenty minutes," she said in an almost loving tone.

"Okay, I love you," Dean's tone was warm yet still sad. He wasn't ready to tell her that he needed her beside him to fall asleep.

"Okay," Olivia replied and moved to hang up. But then as an afterthought added "I love you too." She glanced one last time at the dark house before she turned the car around and headed back home, her new home.

If she had only had the guts to go and knock on the door, she would have discovered that nothing was as picture perfect for Elliot as she imagined that it would be. Kathleen was spending the night in Maureen's dorm room at Hudson to prepare for when she would be starting in the fall. Lizzie and Dickie were at friends houses for the night. Elliot and Rose were at his apartment and Kathy had taken the opportunity to down a bottle of pills and two glasses of wine. Olivia didn't know that in the morning, Kathy's fifteen year old daughter would come into her mother's room to borrow a pair of earrings for a date that night, only to find her mother, dead on the floor. Olivia was unaware of the turmoil that Elliot and his family were about to be thrown into.

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Elliot shifted Rose to his other arm as he accepted the fatherly hug that, now private citizen, Don Cragen offered. "I'm so sorry," Cragen whispered as he gave Elliot a pat on the back before pulling away "How are the kids handling it."

Elliot turned to where his four oldest children sat. All four had put on their bravest faces but Elliot could see past the façade. They were all broken inside. He turned back to Cragen "They're all taking it the best they can," he shrugged "But Lizzie…" he trailed off, looking back at his second youngest daughter "She's the one who found her. She wouldn't set foot in the house to get her things that night."

"What are you going to do?" Cragen asked.

"I've gotta look for a bigger apartment," Elliot responded. Going back to the house was not an option, not after the visceral reaction that Elizabeth got from even setting foot outside it. Elliot was sure that he could get a fair price for it. He was going to call a real-estate agency.

At that moment, Rose began to cry. Elliot reached into the diaper bag and pulled out a bottle "You hungry?" he asked his baby girl as he started feeding her.

"She is absolutely beautiful," Cragen remarked of the baby in Elliot's arms.

Elliot nodded. Both men were thinking the same thing. It was a shame that this little miracle would never know her mother. Ironically it was probably Rose's birth that had sent Kathy over the edge. Kathy had raised four children and wasn't able to handle the stress of another one.

Elliot finished feeding Rose and shifted her to his shoulder to burp her "I wasn't around much when the other kids were this small," he told Cragen "I was too caught up in spending time with her, I didn't see what was going on with Kathy," he sighed heavily, looking down at the child in his arms. Rose smiled back up at him and smiled, oblivious to her father's sadness "I should have been there. I could have stopped her."

"This isn't your fault Elliot," Cragen said firmly "No one could have known."

Elliot nodded though Cragen's words did little to sooth his tortured soul. Just then, Chester tapped Elliot on the shoulder. Chester Lake had become Elliot's partner after Olivia had left. "How're you holding up?" Chester asked in a soft voice.

Elliot smiled softly at his partner. Kathy's death was taking its toll on him and deep down, he desperately longed for Olivia's emotional support and Chester knew that "I'm okay," Elliot shrugged.

Cragen and Chester both knew that was a complete lie.

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"Do you Olivia Benson…" the priest spoke but Olivia barely heard him as she stood at the front of the church with Dean. Her eyes scanned the assembled guests. For some reason, she thought that he would be there, that he would instinctively know that she was getting married. When the priest got to the part about anyone who believed they shouldn't be wed, she was waiting for him to pop out of thin air and tell the whole crowd why this marriage was wrong. She wanted him to tell Dean that she could never love him with her complete heart because she loved Elliot and only Elliot and that was the way that it would always be.

But he wasn't there. Maybe if she had had the courage to tell him that she was getting married he would have been there but she had been too afraid that he wouldn't understand. Hell, she wished she understood. She looked at Dean who stood there with such love in his eyes and the only thing she could say was "I do."

The guests applauded and the wedding party made the slow migration from church to reception hall. Olivia was hugged by Simon and then Lucy then Charlie as Dean shook hands with several of his friends from work; he was an only child and his parents had died long ago in a car crash.

When Olivia and Dean managed to grab a brief moment to themselves, he smiled at her and kissed her again; she had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even noticed the first one. "I love you," he whispered.

Olivia nodded numbly. It still didn't seem real to her but she smiled back at her knew husband and wrapped her arms around his neck. Somehow she managed to break through the clutter of her thoughts and whisper back "I love you too."

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Three months after Kathy's funeral, Elliot had managed to find a three bedroom apartment in the city for him and the kids. Kathleen had started college and lived off campus with Maureen in a two bedroom apartment that they were able to afford by taking jobs as waitresses. So Dickie and Elizabeth each had separate rooms. Elliot kept Rose's crib in his room.

Rose was now six months. Elliot and his children had shared in the joy of watching her crawl for the first time. It was these little moments that made things bearable when they got to their worst.

Elizabeth had been seeing Rebecca Hendrix weekly since the day she had found her mother's body. She was depressed and not even spending time with her baby sister would snap her completely out of it. Elliot was becoming increasingly worried about her. Sometimes at night, he would hear her crying but whenever he would go to her room, she would tell him, quite firmly, to go away.

But his children weren't his only concern. Rebecca Hendrix seemed content to throw away the constraints of professionalism and would often come into the bullpen in the middle of the day to talk to Elliot. Her visits always ended the same way, with her asking if he would like to go get a drink sometime. She said that it was just to make sure he was doing all right after Kathy's death but Elliot knew it was more than that.

Elliot wasn't ready to move on but it wasn't because he was mourning his dead ex-wife. He was mourning his departed ex-partner who he had not heard from in over a year and who he missed everyday.

Late at night when he would hear Elizabeth crying, he would wish that Olivia was there to help him. He was a single parent of five and it was hard. Some mornings he would wake up and ask himself just what the hell he was doing..

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Olivia stared at the device in her hand. She had come home from work early because she hadn't been feeling well and this device confirmed her suspicions. It was funny how she was thinking of Elliot at that moment, wondering what he would say. It had been seventeen months since she had last seen him, almost a year and a half. A lot had changed since then. She was an FBI agent now, one of the feds she had been so outspoken against when she was at SVU, getting upset every time they would descend to take over one of their investigations.

She was married to the man who had watched her back when she was undercover. He loved her and she cared about him and every night, felt guilty that she couldn't love him the way he loved her because her heart was and always would belong to Elliot Stabler.\

And now she was pregnant with Dean's baby. She smiled at the pregnancy test. In spite of her conflicting feelings at that moment, she was happy that she was going to have a baby. Her maternal instincts had been growing stronger for so many years and she had wanted a child but had never been in a position to have a baby. Now, she felt like she was ready.

She heard the door open and Dean entering the house "Olivia," he called out.

Olivia stood up and made her way out of the bathroom "Hey," she said softly when she saw him in the hallway.

"Hi," he walked quickly to her and wrapped his arms around her "I was worried when they said you went home because you weren't feeling well. Are you all right?" Ever since the wedding, Olivia had been working with a different team of agents that was under Henry Fisher's chain of command.

Olivia hugged him back and cleared her throat "Yeah," she whispered with a small smile "I'm great."

"Thank God," Dean whispered, kissing her gently.

Olivia pulled away and looked him in the eye. She decided just to spit it out and hope that he was as happy about it as she was "I'm pregnant," she said quietly.

He looked at her for a long tense moment and she was afraid that he might not be happy about it; she couldn't read him the way she could read Elliot. But then he smiled broadly and kissed her with intense passion "We're gonna have a baby?" he asked.

Olivia smiled wider, her heart warmed by his reaction "Yes," she said before kissing her husband again "We're gonna have a baby." In that moment she decided that she couldn't allow herself to feel guilty about loving Elliot. For her baby's sake, she had to love Dean with all her heart.

"I love you so much," Dean whispered as he scooped her into his arms.

Olivia laughed as she squirmed "I love you too," she said as she kissed him again.

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"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rose, happy birthday to you," the whole family sang as the one year old girl stood on her highchair, obviously loving all the attention.

Maureen cut the cake and Kathleen passed out the servings. Dickie muttered something about pink icing being too girly and Elizabeth whacked him on the arm and reminded him that Rose was a girl.

Elliot watched and smiled. Elizabeth was finally coming around. The memories of her mother's death would always be with her, more so than with the others, but she was finally able to move on with her life. He accepted his plate from Kathleen. "Looks great honey," he told her.

"Its too pink," Dickie said again.

"Son," Elliot said, trying to be firm but unable to suppress the chuckle that burst forth "Be a man and eat your girly cake."

Everyone laughed and Elizabeth pulled one of the helium balloons towards her, using it to bop her father on the head. When they finished eating, Elliot picked Rose up from her highchair "Okay everyone, I think it's time for bed."

He carried Rose into his bedroom and helped her change into her pajamas. Rose stood up on the bed and bounced up "Story Dada?" she asked, innocently.

"Okay," Elliot turned to the small bookshelf beside the crib where he kept the children's books. When he turned back, Rose had made her way to his nightstand and had managed to open the top drawer. She was holding the picture of Olivia in her small hands.

"Dada, who this?" she asked, looking at her father with her big blue eyes full of curiosity.

Elliot dropped the book he had been holding and moved towards the bed, taking the picture from his daughter's hands. He sat down beside the toddler and pulled her into his lap. He searched for the words to explain who Olivia was to a one year old. He cleared his throat "She's a very good friend of mine," he finally decided to say and hoped that Rose wouldn't ask anymore questions.

"She pretty," Rose remarked with a smile as she reached for the picture again and managed to snatch it from her father's hands. She ran her little hands over it as it were some magical item instead of just an ordinary photo. "Princess?" she asked, looking up at her father once more.

"No," Elliot said softly "She's not a princess sweetie," _But she's pretty damn close in my mind,_ he thought.

Rose looked at the picture again and then asked a question that left Elliot speechless "Dada?" she asked, holding up the picture and pointing to it "Mama?"

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Tears streamed down Olivia's face as she pushed one last time. Dean was right beside her, holding her hand and soothing her "You're doing great," he told her.

"It's a boy," the doctor said triumphantly, handing the baby to a nurse to be cleaned up. The baby boy had a good set of lungs for sure because the room was full of the sounds of his cries.

The nurse finally handed him to Olivia who stared at the little bundle in her arms. She couldn't believe it. She looked at her husband "He's so beautiful," she whispered as the tears of exhaustion were replaced with tears of joy.

"Takes after his mother I guess," Dean chuckled, kissing his wife and then kissing their son on the head.

Olivia laughed and turned to her son "Hi there little guy."

"Do you have a name picked out?" the nurse asked.

Olivia and Dean looked at each other again. They had discussed names for both boys and girls. Dean nodded at Olivia for her to tell the nurse the name they had selected if their child was a boy. She turned to the nurse and said, with a smile as bright as sunshine "Zachary Elliot Porter."

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Five months later, a laughing baby Zack was giving his mother quite a work out as she tried to fee him breakfast. "Honey," Olivia cooed, trying to get her son to stay still "Open up."

In his highchair, Zack pounded his tiny hands and smiled at his mother.

Dean appeared in the kitchen fully dressed for work. "I gotta get going," he told Olivia.

Olivia reached out to him and hugged him tight "Be careful today?" she pleaded. Dean was set to go undercover to catch a particularly vile sex offender.

"I will," he promised, kissing her lips, lovingly. "I love you."

"I love you too," she told him, returning the kiss "We'll be waiting for you." she was still on a very generous maternity leave signed off on by Fisher and did not have to report to work for another month.

Dean turned to the highchair where his son was still fidgeting. He bent down and kissed the baby on the head "Daddy loves you Zack," he smirked and added in a loud whisper "Try and keep your mom out of trouble."

Olivia laughed and gave him a playful swat on the arm "If you're giving him orders Agent Porter," she laughed "Why don't you order him to not give me trouble when I'm feeding him breakfast."

Dean lifted the baby from his seat and held him high in the air as Zack squealed with delight "You be good for your mom," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice before placing Zack back in his highchair. Dean turned to Olivia "Bye sweetheart," he said, giving her one last quick kiss "I'll be home by dinner."

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Elliot and Chester strode side by side into the apartment "What've we got?" Elliot asked when they reached Melinda who was kneeling beside a sheet covered body.

"A lot of anger," Melinda said simply. "The perp sodomized this guy with a blunt object and then cut his penis off before stabbing him, repeatedly."

"Ouch," Chester muttered.

"Any ID?" Elliot asked the assembled CSU techs.

"Yeah," one tech handed Elliot a wallet "Vic's name is Dean Porter."

**A/N: Just to be clear, on the day that Dean is murdered, Olivia and Elliot haven't seen each other for two and a half years. In the next chapter they will meet up again. Please review. And to those of you who liked Dean, I'm sorry but I had this part of the story planned out since the beginning. Love to all of you. Also, I'm sorry it took me so long to update this but I was away for the weekend without internet access. Now I'll stop rambling and you guys can go review.**


	6. Chapter 6: Bittersweet

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 6: Bittersweet**

**A/N: It took a while but I finished chapter six. I hope you guys like it. Sorry it took so long but I was trying to get it just right.**

"He's an FBI agent," Elliot reported to Captain Paul Downing. Downing was the person that had been assigned after Cragen left. He was a decent man but he was far more interested in furthering his political career than the victims. Elliot personally hated the man but, as Cragen reminded him on more than on occasion, Elliot had enough trouble in his life without taking on his CO.

"A fed," Downing murmured, running his finger just under his mustache, a gesture which thoroughly pissed Elliot off because it meant that the scheming bastard was thinking and in Elliot's opinion, the less that man thought, the better. Downing's attention returned to his detective within a matter of minutes "So where are we on this?" he asked.

Elliot looked down quickly at his notes "Lake is at the morgue getting the official cause Warner and Munch and Fin are interviewing potential witnesses."

"So what are you still doing here Stabler?" Downing asked with a hint of dislike in his voice "Just what are you planning on doing to help us out on this on?"

Elliot almost scoffed. Sometimes it was a struggle not to just punch the arrogant bastard. He looked down at his notes again "I'm gonna go inform Agent Porter's family." With one last pointed stare at Downing, he turned and left.

If only Elliot had even the slightest warning as to who he was going to find at that address.

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Olivia sank onto the couch shortly after nine. It had been a trying day. Around noon, Zack had started screaming his head off for no apparent reason, or so she thought before her hand made contact with his fiery forehead.

She had panicked, wishing she could call Dean, but since he was undercover, he was unreachable. She took Zack to the pediatrician who had assured her that it was just a cold.

Zack had been running a fever all afternoon and had been as fussy as ever. Olivia had finally gotten him to sleep. It was then that she realized how late it was. Dean should have been back hours earlier. If something had gone wrong, Fisher was supposed to call her.

She reached for the phone to call Fisher when she heard the doorbell ring. Olivia got up quickly, fearing that the sound would wake Zack. She rushed to the door and flung it open. She opened her mouth, ready to verbally berate the person on the other side because Zack needed his rest and she needed the momentary quiet, when she stopped dead in her tracks, grabbing the door frame for support "El…Eliot…?" she whispered.

Elliot too was shocked to the point where it was hard to find his voice. He cleared his throat twice before he spoke. Although all he could manage was a weak "Hi."

Olivia was just about to ask him what he was doing there when she saw the squad car parked in the driveway and she noticed that his badge was in his hand; he had probably taken it out before he had rung the doorbell. He was there in an official capacity. Suddenly she was grasping the door frame even tighter "Please," she whispered not to Elliot but to any Gods or God like entities that could hear her.

Elliot took a step forward "I'm sorry Olivia," he began but before he could finish he had to catch her as she fell forward.

"No," she whispered. She began to cry for the loss of her husband in the arms of the man she loved… of all of the universe's cruelties.

Elliot walked her into a house that he had never seen before and helped her sit down on a couch that was not the least bit familiar to him. He let her cry in his arms as his eyes scanned the photos above the mantle.

There was a family photo. Simon and Olivia stood in the center. On Simon's right was a woman that Elliot recognized as Lucy and in front of the two, stood a young boy, about seven or eight years old, who smiled broadly. Dean stood to Olivia's left, his arm wrapped around her waist as he stared not at the camera but at her. The two of them had been happy. Elliot wished desperately that this hadn't happened. He looked down at Olivia, she didn't deserve this pain.

It wasn't until Elliot looked back up at the photo that he truly noticed for the first time the bundle in Olivia's arms. The infant was staring at his mother and most of his face was hidden.

Olivia wiped her eyes in an attempt to regain control over herself. She pulled away from Elliot and followed his gaze to where it rested on the recent photo "A friend of Lucy's took that for us just last week," she said in a voice that sounded so small and so lost.

"I'm so sorry," was all Elliot could muster.

The two were completely silent for a long time. It wasn't one of the comfortable silences that the pair had enjoyed over the years that they had been partners. No, this silence was much more insidious. Each of them wanted to tell the other so many things but couldn't figure out how to broach the topic of their broken relationship under these circumstances. The silence persisted until a shrill cry from the baby monitor brought Olivia back to her reality.

"Zack," she choked out as she attempted to get to her feet but her strength failed her and she found herself falling back into Elliot's arms.

"Take it easy," Elliot soothed "I'll get him."

"He's got a cold," Olivia explained meekly as Elliot stood up. She would have mentioned that Zack was particularly fussy around strangers but the very thought that Elliot was a stranger in her house made her heart break into even further.

Elliot nodded and climbed the stairs, letting Zack's cries guide him to the nursery. He entered the room and approached the crib, almost afraid to look in though he didn't know why. When he did peer over the rail, he saw the most precious baby boy he had seen since Dickie was a baby.

Zack was definitely his mother's son with big brown eyes and beautiful dark hair. His little feet kicked wildly, incased in the feet of pajamas made out of a navy blue fleece peppered with pictures of rubber ducks. His little mouth was open in a perfect O as he emitted a heart wrenching and ear piercing scream.

Elliot reached into the crib and lifted the baby into his arms "Hi there," he cooed "Are you not feeling well little guy?"

Zack seemed to calm down at the sound of Elliot's voice and touch. Elliot felt the little boy's forehead, it was sweaty, that meant that his fever had broken. He smiled, shifting Zack to his shoulder "There we go. Let's go see your mama buddy."

Olivia listened to Elliot's interaction with Zack over the baby monitor and a small smile crept across her lips in spite of everything. She was glad that her son had accepted Elliot. At that moment, she wasn't sure if she was ready to let Elliot back in her life but it made her feel at ease that Zack liked him.

"Hey," she managed when Elliot entered the living room with Zack. She held her arms out and embraced her baby, instantly breaking into full blown tears again. Zack had lost his father. Dean was a very good father and Olivia wept for herself and her son. They had both lost something special and the sad truth was that Zack would never know just how special Dean had been to Olivia.

"His fever's broken," Elliot explained as he took a seat beside Olivia once more.

"Thank God," Olivia whispered. She had been so worried about that damn fever when she had given Zack that baby cold medicine but at least something had gone right. She turned to Elliot, shifting her hands to cover Zack's ears as he sat in her lap. He wasn't old enough to understand yet but still, she didn't want him to hear "How?" she whispered.

"Stabbed," Elliot answered simply, trying to spare her the gruesome details of her husband's murder. Even though she had seen it all in her years at SVU, he knew that this would be too much for her.

Olivia nodded, she knew enough not to ask why Elliot was there instead of some detective from homicide. Dean had been murdered on his undercover assignment and the murder hadn't been just a simple stabbing, Dean's death would forever be marked with strong sexual overtones.

Then something occurred to her. Dean had been undercover, which meant… "How did you make an ID so quickly?"

"Found his wallet on scene," Elliot informed her, watching as Zack became irritated with his mother's hands over his ears and started to fuss again.

Olivia removed her hands and shifted Zack to her shoulder "Shhhh baby boy. It's okay. Mommy's here." Zack calmed down and Olivia returned her attention to Elliot, not bothering to cover Zack's ears this time "He was on an undercover Elliot," she said quietly.

The realization hit Elliot hard. Dean wouldn't have had his wallet with him. He wouldn't have been carrying his real ID. Someone wanted them to identify him. Elliot felt a cold chill run down his spine. He had seen the body himself. It had been Dean, without a doubt.

But Olivia had jumped to a more hopeful conclusion. Like anyone faced with the loss of a loved one, she began to grasp at straws "It couldn't have been him then," she said, her voice tinged with cautious optimism. Elliot was about to tell her that there was no mistake but she continued "I can make an ID of the body and I'll tell you it's not him," and before Elliot could say anything, she was up the stairs, in the nursery, packing a diaper bag for Zack.

She didn't want to face the possibility that the man that she had grown to love was gone, even when the one she had never stopped loving, stood in her living room. She couldn't accept that Zack would never know his father. She refused to face waking up from a nightmare without Dean there to comfort her.

Olivia appeared at the bottom of the stairs only minutes later with the diaper bag slung over her shoulder and Zack, still dressed in his pajamas and looking quite bewildered, propped against the other. "Let's go," she said firmly. All she could think of was proving Elliot, the NYPD and that nagging voice in the back of her mind wrong. Dean just had to be alive. Someone had stolen his wallet and planted it on some random dead body. She didn't even think about the fact that even if the body in the morgue wasn't Dean, she still had no idea where he was.

Elliot took a step forward and finally found a free second to speak "Olivia," he began, laying a hand on her forearm "I saw his face, it was him, I'm sorry."

Olivia stood there, staring him down "You're wrong," she told him matter-of-factly. There was no other explanation, Elliot had to be wrong.

Elliot sighed, knowing that there was only one way Olivia would believe that Dean was dead but also knowing that it would crush her as it did so many other people who came to identify the bodies of their loved ones. Still, he had to try to stop her, at least long enough for Warner to make Dean look presentable, that meant convincing Olivia to wait until morning. He took another step towards her, crossing into the zone that sent electricity coursing through him every time he had entered it when they had been partners "Okay," he conceded "I'll take you to ID the body but it can wait until morning."

"No it can't," Olivia said stubbornly. If the body wasn't Dean, she had to confirm it as soon as possible "If he's not Dean," she began "He's someone else's husband or son or brother. Whoever that person is, they deserve justice and it's better you find out now that it isn't Dean so you can get on the right track," she remembered all too well cases were they had been chasing ghosts because the victim had been carrying someone else's ID.

Elliot didn't want to give in but he saw that fire in Olivia's eyes, the fire that told him he had better listen to her or there would be hell to pay. But there would be hell to pay either way and he wanted to shield her from this as much as possible. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at nine," he said firmly and made his way towards the door.

Olivia grabbed his arm tightly and yanked him back to her, letting the diaper bag fall to the floor "Take me to the morgue," she nearly seethed.

Elliot winced as her nails dug into his flesh through the fabric of his shirt. God, he'd missed her. "Okay," he finally said in defeat "Let's go."

"Just let me get Zack's car seat," Olivia said, releasing Elliot's arm. She handed Zack to Elliot and retrieved the car seat. She strapped Zack in to the back seat of the sedan and took her place in the passenger's side. It felt good to be in a squad car again even under the circumstances. To be with Elliot in the familiar standard issue car was somehow… comforting. She sighed, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. It was then that her rational mind crept through to the forefront. _He's dead,_ it told her. _He's dead and you know you're just fooling yourself_

**A/N: Six chapters into the story and I've finally used the words from the title. I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, it's late and I'm off to bed. I can't wait to hear what you guys thought of this chapter. Don't worry, this story is far from over.**


	7. Chapter 7: All Through The Night

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 7: All Through The Night**

**A/N: Okay, here it is finally. I hope you guys like it and I hope you don't hold my updating delays against me. My family and I were away for the weekend and I don't have internet or even access to a computer where we were.**

Zack dozed in the car seat in the back of the sedan, oblivious to what was going on. Olivia turned to stare at her son every few seconds. His pajama clad legs and feet sharply contrasted with the jacket and hat she had put on him to protect him from the chili November night air.

She turned her attention back to the road in front of them. Conversation had been severely lacking between her and Elliot since they had left the house but she was too afraid to be the one to break the silence.

"How old is he?" Elliot finally asked, tired of the silence.

"Hmm?" Olivia turned in his direction.

"How old is Zack?" Elliot clarified.

"Five months," she responded with a small smile. The silence descended on them once more until Olivia finally worked up the courage to ask a question of her own "How's Kathy?" She watched as a dark look spread across Elliot's face and regretted having asked.

"Uh… She died about a year and a half ago," he kept his answer simple, his eyes fixed on the road as he spoke.

"Oh God," Olivia whispered, her hand automatically coming to rest on Elliot's upper arm "Elliot… I'm so sorry."

Elliot just kept his gaze on the road, trying hard to bite back the comments about how he had needed her and she was nowhere to be found. How his kids had come to live with him and he had listened to Elizabeth cry night after night and he wished that Olivia had been there because Elizabeth refused to talk to him.

Olivia watched the look on Elliot's face and was almost afraid to continue the conversation but somewhere inside her, she knew that she had to try and fix what she had broken. "What about the baby?" she asked and was rewarded with a small smile breaking through Elliot's façade.

"Rose and the other kids live with me," he told her.

"Rose," Olivia repeated "That's a beautiful name. She's… about how old now?"

"Twenty one months," Elliot said proudly just as they pulled up to the morgue. He turned to Olivia "I wish you'd waited until tomorrow. It would have been nice if Simon was available to watch Zack. This is no place for a baby."

Olivia sighed, getting out of the car and unbuckling Zack from the car seat. He barely stirred in his sleep and she only prayed he would remain that way "I know," she told Elliot as she moved beside him towards the building "But I just have to know for sure. You know?"

Elliot held the door open for her and nodded "Yeah," he said softly. He completely understood the need to know for sure. When Elizabeth had found Kathy's body, he hadn't believed her until he had seen it with his own two eyes.

Elliot led Olivia to the area where family members viewed the bodies via closed circuit television. "Are you sure?" he asked one last time.

"Elliot," she sighed and he knew that there was no way he could talk her out of this.

"I'll go tell Warner you're here," he said, walking away.

Olivia watched him go and for a moment she felt an intense fear that he might not come back. She took a deep breath and calmed herself quickly though. Zack began to stir into wakefulness and Olivia began to sway gently to calm him "Your Mommy really screwed up kiddo," she told him as she waited for Elliot to return.

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Melinda looked up from her papers when Elliot walked in. "Hey," she greeted "I already gave the full report to Chester."

"Porter's wife is here to ID the body," Elliot began.

"I didn't know he had a wife," Melinda said as she stood to wheel the body in front of the camera.

Elliot cleared his throat "It's Olivia," he told her flatly.

"Oh," Melinda froze in her stride. "How long has it been?" she asked.

"Two and a half years," Elliot answered.

Melinda continued to make her way to where Porter's body lay. "I hope he's presentable," she said softly.

Elliot nodded "Me too," he turned and headed back out to the viewing area where Olivia was waiting for him.

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He stood beside her as she stared at the screen, one hand intentionally guiding Zack's head so that he was facing in the exact opposite direction. She watched the sheet covered figure come into focus and she held her breath as Melinda pulled the sheet down past the man's face. Olivia stared blankly for a few seconds. It couldn't be possible. There was no way. He was supposed to come home to her and their son. He was supposed to live a long life. They were supposed to watch Zack take his first steps together. She found herself breathing heavily "It's him," she said finally.

"I'm sorry," Elliot embraced her and Zack while Olivia fought the flood gates.

Zack, sensing his mother's apprehension, began to fuss. Olivia pulled away from Elliot and attempted to soothe him but she found herself unable to. Elliot reached out and placed a hand on the little boy's back "Let me try?" he asked Olivia in an almost whisper. Olivia handed Zack to Elliot as she reached in her pocket for a tissue. Elliot rocked Zack in his arms "It's okay buddy," he cooed "You're okay big guy." Zack calmed down after a minute or two and Elliot handed him back to Olivia just as his cell phone rang.

"Stabler," he answered, stepping away from Olivia to take the call.

"Did you find Porter's next of kin?" Downing asked.

"Yes," Elliot responded "His wife."

"Bring her in for questioning," Downing commanded.

"What?" Elliot almost lost his balance.

"We need to get her statement," Downing told him "I want to close this one as soon as possible."

Elliot tried to bite back his comment but it made its way through anyway "Think you'll be able to move up a couple rungs on the ladder if you do?"

"Watch your step Detective," Downing said warningly "Bring her in now." There was a click on the other end of the phone and then silence.

Elliot turned to see Olivia, rocking Zack in her arms and singing softly to him. The tune was an old lullaby that Elliot himself had sung to Rose many times.

_**Sleep my child and peace attend thee,  
All through the night  
Guardian angels God will send thee,  
All through the night  
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,  
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping  
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,  
All through the night**_

Angels watching, e'er around thee,  
All through the night  
Midnight slumber close surround thee,  
All through the night  
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,  
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping  
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,  
All through the night

She'd been through so much tonight. Elliot wasn't thrilled about taking her to the precinct to be questioned. Then there was Zack. His fever had only just broken an hour or so ago. He belonged at home in his crib. Elliot was afraid that all this being out and about would cause his fever to return. But, orders were orders and he couldn't just take Olivia and Zack home; if he didn't bring Olivia in for questioning, Elliot knew that Downing would.

He crossed the room to where Olivia was standing and tapped her on the shoulder "I never knew you had such a pretty singing voice," he said softly.

Olivia's cheeks blushed momentarily and she cleared her throat "Thanks," she said, trying to hide the embarrassment in her voice.

"That's Rose's favorite lullaby," Elliot informed her with a half smile, not yet ready to tell her that Downing had told him to bring her in for questioning.

Olivia returned his smile "Zack's too," she said as she bounced the half asleep baby in her arms.

Elliot cleared his throat, shifting uneasily, trying to find the right way to broach the subject. He opened his mouth but Olivia spoke before he could.

"Who was on the phone?" she asked, looking at him pointedly as if she knew just what was coming.

"Captain Downing," Elliot said simply.

"I need to make a statement," Olivia said in realization. She looked down at Zack. It wasn't good for him to be dragged everywhere in the middle of the night with her. She dropped a gentle kiss to his head "I'm sorry sweetie," she whispered.

Elliot put a hand on her shoulder "We should probably get going."

Olivia nodded and followed him to the car "What kind of a man is Downing?" she asked as she set Zack in the car seat and strapped him in. Cragen's resignation had been covered in the media and Olivia was well aware that he was no longer in charge of the Special Victims Unit. Very little however had been said about his replacement or the kind of man he was.

Elliot blew out a long breath and watched the steam that it created in the air "He's an ass," Elliot said as he slid into the driver's seat.

"If I remember correctly," Olivia remarked as she slid in beside him and closed her door "You could be somewhat of an ass yourself."

Elliot laughed "Yeah," he admitted "But not like this guy. All he wants is to claw his way out of SVU."

Olivia dropped her gaze "And Dean's murder is just the thing to help him get that boost," she murmured. She looked back up at Elliot "He's not gonna care about my statement. He'll arrest the first person who looks good for it."

Elliot started the car and reached across the seat, taking Olivia's hand into his "I promise you, I won't let him just go for an easy arrest. We'll find the person who did this."

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Olivia spoke again "I already know who killed him."

Elliot hit the breaks and the car screeched to a stop, causing Zack to start crying. He turned to Olivia who was already focused on comforting her son "What?" he asked.

"Shhh," Olivia was cooing to Zack. She hadn't even heard Elliot.

He reached out and grabbed her arm lightly "Olivia," he said almost harshly "What do you mean?"

Olivia turned to him "Trent Nash," she said simply before turning her attention back to her son.

"Who is Trent Nash?" Elliot questioned, becoming more worried about Olivia by the second.

Zack calmed down and Olivia's attention shifted back to Elliot "He's the man that Dean was going undercover to apprehend. He's a sexual sadist and hit man for the mob."

"That's a bad combination," Elliot muttered just as they pulled up in front of the 1-6. He turned to Olivia. She was about to step back into an old life to face a new challenge. He hoped she was ready. He stepped out of the car, smirking to himself when he imagined the looks on Munch and Fin's faces. He looked over at Olivia who had just picked Zack up from the back seat. "Ready?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be," she replied with a heavy sigh as she shifted Zack's weight to her other arm and followed Elliot inside.

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O'Halloran finished dusting Porter's wallet for fingerprints when he noticed something odd. The wallet had little plastic scraps clinging to the inside. O'Halloran took his own wallet out for comparison. The plastic scraps appeared to be the remains of the little plastic envelopes used to hold family photos. Judging from the uneven edges, someone had ripped the photos out of the wallet. The question was, who and why?

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"Where were you between four and five this afternoon?" Chester Lake asked Olivia as he sat across the table from her in interrogation. Once Downing had found out that Olivia was Elliot's former partner and that just about everyone in the unit had known her for years, he had been ready to handle the interrogation himself but Chester had stepped in just in time to save Olivia from that fate.

"I was at the pharmacy, getting the prescription filled," Olivia answered. She kept her head high as she sat there, though being on the other side of the table made her feel uneasy. She knew that until they could confirm her story, she would be treated as a suspect.

"Did anyone see you there?" Chester asked.

"Yeah," Olivia told him in a soft voice as she remembered "Sally, the girl who stocks the shelves waited with me. Zack was running such a high fever and it's the first one he's ever had. The person who fills the prescriptions was backed up and I was waiting forever," tears started to come to Olivia's eyes "I was a wreck. Sally has three kids and she's done this kind of thing before and she talked to me and told me it was going to be okay."

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Downing turned to Casey "Get Munch and Fin to find this Sally person, confirm her story."

Casey nodded "It'll check out," she said matter-of-factly. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Downing was just wasting time questioning Olivia.

"Sure," Downing said, disbelievingly "Have them check anyway."

Casey walked off in a huff. It was Downing who should have been telling Munch and Fin to track down Sally Meadows but Downing knew that they were more likely to listen to Casey. Downing was no fool, he knew that the squad hated his guts and he knew that they were all very well aware of his motives. He stared through the glass at Olivia; something told him that she had to have something to do with her husband's murder, Paul Downing though, was not known for his powers of deduction.

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Casey walked into the bullpen to see Elliot, sitting in his chair, holding a very upset Zack. Elliot looked very worried. Casey slid into the chair at Chester's desk "What's wrong?" she asked.

"His fever's back," Elliot replied, feeling the little boy's forehead again in the hoped that his temperature would have dropped to normal in the last five seconds.

"Downing wants Munch and Fin to check Liv's alibi," Casey informed him.

Elliot almost screamed but then remembered he was holding a baby and swallowed his frustration "How can he think that she could have anything to do with this?" he asked.

"He doesn't know her like we do," Casey stated. Then she thought of something and added "But Elliot, it's been two and a half years. Do we even know her that well anymore?"

"Casey, you can't think that she'd…" Elliot trailed off and looked at the ADA in pure shock.

"No," Casey said quickly "But… she has a kid now."

"That doesn't mean she's capable of murder," Elliot countered. While it was true that Olivia had broken all lines of communication between herself and not only Elliot but all of the squad, that had all been his fault in the first place anyway and wasn't in the least bit evidence that she could possibly be capable of killing someone.

"It does if Porter posed some sort of danger to her son," Casey stated. They had seen this kind of thing before and although Casey didn't want to believe that Olivia could do something as gruesome as stabbing her husband to death, she couldn't dismiss her doubts so easily.

Elliot stood up, still holding Zack "There is no way that she did this and all of you have a screw loose if you think she did."

Elliot walked upstairs to the crib with Zack just as Munch and Fin walked in with O'Halloran, trailing close behind.

"I have to ask Olivia something," O'Halloran said quickly "Where is she?"

"In interrogation," Casey answered before turning to Munch and Fin "You need to go find Sally Meadows and confirm that Olivia was in the pharmacy at the time that Porter was killed."

"You mean Downing actually thinks she could have done this?" Munch scoffed.

"The sooner you confirm her alibi," Casey said firmly "The sooner you can get that idea out of his mind."

Fin went to his computer and pulled up and address for Sally Meadows "Ready to go wake a young mother up in the middle of the night?" he asked his partner with a heavy shrug of his shoulders.

Munch turned to Casey "I don't suppose Downing will let this wait until morning?"

"You and I both know that if someone doesn't show him that she couldn't possibly be involved, he'll just keep her hear until you do," Casey said with a sigh.

"All right," Munch turned to his partner "Let's go."

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O'Halloran practically bowled Downing over on his race to the interrogation room. He was about to burst through the door when Downing grabbed him by his shoulders and turned the younger man to face him "What the hell?" he asked angrily.

O'Halloran had quite possibly less respect for Downing than the other members of the unit which was really saying something. He simply shrugged Downing off and reached for the door handle "Watch and learn," he shot in Downing's direction. He opened the door and approached the table. "Olivia," he said quickly "Did your husband keep any pictures in his wallet?"

Olivia looked at O'Halloran for a moment "Yeah," she answered as if that question was the most unnecessary one she had ever heard. "He had a picture of Zack and me on the porch at my brother's house and a wallet sized picture of us on our wedding day. Why?"

"Someone ripped the pictures out of his wallet," O'Halloran told her.

Olivia stared at him in surprise. Why would someone steal family photos from someone's wallet? It didn't make any sense.

At that moment, Downing opened the door and hauled O'Halloran into the hallway "You report to me, not to the suspect," he hissed.

"She's not a suspect," O'Halloran spat back. True, he didn't know Olivia Benson as well as Munch or Fin or Elliot did but he knew that there was no way she could commit a murder, especially one so heinous as Dean Porter's.

"Nonetheless," Downing continued "You should have run this evidence by me first. If you have anything else to share, I suggest you do it now."

"There were no fingerprints on the wallet," O'Halloran told the arrogant son-of-a-bitch.

"So," Downing didn't seem impressed "The guy wore gloves."

"No he didn't," O'Halloran stated.

"But you said there were no fingerprints," Downing almost shouted. This guy was starting to piss him off.

"Yeah, no fingerprints, not even Porter's. Whoever put the wallet there wiped it clean."

"That doesn't-" Downing started to say but was cut off by someone forcing his way down the hall towards them.

"Excuse me," Henry Fisher said loudly "I understand you're holding one of my agents for questioning."

Downing turned to the other man "As of now she's a suspect in the murder of another one of your agents," he told Fisher.

"That isn't possible," Fisher said, standing nose to nose with Downing "I demand to see her right now."

Downing stepped aside and allowed Fisher to enter the interrogation room. Fisher tapped Chester on the shoulder "You can leave now," he said authoritatively. Chester did as he was asked and Fisher turned to Olivia "I just heard about Dean… Olivia, I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?"

"Okay I guess," Olivia said, her voice choking up slightly "I don't know if it's completely set in yet you know?"

Fisher nodded "Dean loved you very much you know?" Olivia nodded "He'd be furious with these guys for bringing you in for questioning."

"It's their job," Olivia defended her former colleagues, after all, it had been her job too once.

"Not anymore it isn't," Fisher told her plainly "Dean was like a son to me. I'm taking over this investigation."

Olivia cracked a small smile, remembering turf wars that she had been involved in when she had worked at SVU "I don't think they'll let you take it without a fight."

"If it's a fight they want," Fisher half smirked "It's a fight they'll get." He looked around and asked "Where's Zack?"

"He's with Elliot," Olivia responded, not even stopping to wonder why her boss knew that she had Zack with her.

A shadow seemed to drift across Fisher's face "Your former partner?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered "He's the one who came to tell me about Dean."

"Oh," Fisher responded before adding "The NYPD isn't going to steal you away from me, are they?"

Olivia managed a small chuckle "No sir," she replied.

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An hour and a half later and Olivia's name was cleared. Munch and Fin had gotten Sally Meadows' statement as well as the security camera footage from the pharmacy that showed Olivia entering with Zack just before four and not leaving until well after five thirty.

Elliot had been pacing with Zack up in the crib, wishing that Olivia had packed the medicine in the diaper bag but they had been in a hurry and as far as she had known at the time, Zack's fever wouldn't come back.

When Olivia was finally allowed to leave the interrogation room, Casey pointed her in the direction of the crib, telling her that Elliot and Zack were up there. Casey embraced her friend warmly, feeling bad for ever having doubted her even in the least.

Olivia walked past Downing's office on her way to the crib. Even though the door was closed, she could hear Downing and Fisher arguing at full volume about who would claim jurisdiction. She sighed, climbing the stairs. Deep down, she almost hoped that Downing would win. She felt like Dean's killer would be caught if Elliot was involved in the investigation. She reached the crib and knocked softly on the door before pushing it open "Hey," she said softly as she stepped into the relatively dark room and towards Elliot's shadowy form.

"Hi," Elliot couldn't help himself and he wrapped his free arm around her "So they finally cut you loose?" he asked, making a half assed attempt at humor.

"I guess," Olivia shrugged as she took her sleeping son from Elliot "Oh my God," she whispered "He's burning up again."

Elliot handed her the moist cloth that he had been pressing against Zack's forehead to try and lower his temperature "You should get him home and give him some more medicine," he said warmly, his hand going to the small of her back, guiding her towards the door. "I'll drive you."

"Thanks," she whispered as her eyes misted over and she tried to keep herself from crying. It had been a long night "I'm glad it was you who came to my house tonight," she admitted as they descended the stairs. "I'm not sure if I can handle this but I'm glad that I got to see you again."

"Me too," Elliot said warmly as he opened the car door for her "Maybe we can get things back to the way they used to be between us?" he asked hopefully, strapping Zack into the car seat. He came around and slid into the driver's seat to find Olivia staring at him, her cheeks wet with tears.

"I'd like that," she whispered. She didn't dare voice her thoughts about how things could never be the way they used to be between them. Neither of them had forgotten that night two and a half years ago. She didn't say these things though because she knew that she was going to need Elliot if she was ever going to get through losing Dean. She leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She was so tired from the night's events and she felt so safe with Elliot there beside her that she fell asleep almost instantly.

Elliot looked over at her sleeping form. He vowed that he would find Dean's murderer and bring him to justice as he drove through the silent streets.

_**Guardian angels God will send thee.**_

_**All through the night**_


	8. Chapter 8: Home Invasion

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 8: Home Invasion**

**A/N: Okay people, I'm going on vacation next week so this is probably the last chapter for a while. I hope you like it and please review. I love hearing from all of you.**

Olivia laid Zack in his crib and placed a gentle kiss on his head "Sleep tight sweetie," she whispered. She had given him another dose of medicine and only hoped that his fever would go away once again. She felt like such a complete idiot, dragging her infant son from New Jersey to Manhattan in the middle of the night. It was her fault that his fever had returned. She felt like the worst mother ever.

She turned to Elliot who had been kind enough to stay with her for a little while; when they had arrived at the house, she had started crying the second she stepped in the door and he had consoled her. She took a step closer to him in the nursery, illuminated by the small nightlight "I hope he'll be okay," she whispered, terrified that she might actually lose her son as well.

Elliot reached out and touched her cheek softly "He'll be fine Liv," he reassured her. Every muscle in his body ached to pull her close to him and kiss her but he scolded himself for even thinking that way. Her husband had just been murdered, it wasn't appropriate.

"Thanks," she said quietly, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of his hand against her skin. She wanted nothing more than to kiss him but it wasn't right. It felt like she would be cheating on Dean. Though she loved Elliot, she had grown to depend on Dean, come to love him as a necessity. She couldn't turn her back on the memories of the life they had made together so soon after his death. So she backed away from Elliot's touch after a few moments. "Won't your kids be worried about you?" she asked, hoping it didn't sound as if she was trying to drive him away and out of her life again.

"I called them when we first caught the case," he told her "They know it's gonna be a late night. Lizzie and Dickie can handle Rose until morning," then as if he felt he had to remind her he added "They're seventeen now you know."

Olivia nodded, remembering how old the twins would be very well without Elliot's reminder. She shrugged "Shouldn't you get home anyway? It's almost four in the morning and I bet you haven't slept since God knows when."

Elliot chuckled half heartedly "You know how it goes," he said "I'll just get some coffee in me and I'll be fine. Besides," he added "Downing wouldn't have let us get much sleep anyway. He's hell bent on making the front page," his expression morphed into one of disdain for his new captain but softened again quickly as he brought his gaze back to rest on Olivia's face in the glow of the nightlight. Again, he had to fight against himself when the urge to kiss her became to powerful.

Olivia nodded, looking down at the floor momentarily to escape Elliot's intense gaze. It was so hard not to move the extra foot and a half to where he was and wrap her arms around him. She looked back up, hoping that maybe he was looking at something else other than her now but no such luck. She cleared her throat "If Fisher manages to wrestle the case away from you guys, you won't have to worry about lack of sleep," she tried to force a laugh.

"Downing will do everything in his power to keep this one," Elliot murmured. He turned towards the door of the nursery, deciding that he had nearly outstayed his welcome "Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

Olivia nodded "Yeah," she whispered. That was a complete lie. She had no idea what she would do now as a single mother. That plus Elliot having come back into life on the same day that Dean had been permanently taken from her was all just too much.

Elliot knew she was lying. He turned to her, closing the gap between them and wrapping his arms around her tight, even though his brain screamed at him not to "Promise me you aren't going to run away again?" he nearly begged.

She looked up at him. She knew she couldn't make that promise. Running was what she did. Running from him had become second nature to her. But when she saw the pleading look in his eyes, she realized that she absolutely couldn't leave him again. No matter what they were to each other now, she couldn't abandon him. She took a shaky breath and truly meant it when she said "I promise."

Elliot bent his head, though every rational bone in his body told him that it was wrong, his lips grew ever closer to hers. She saw what he was doing and didn't pull away. Their lips were mere millimeters from touching when a noise separated them.

"What was that?" Olivia asked, suddenly afraid. The noise had sounded like broken glass to her. She instinctively stepped closer to the crib, wishing that her gun wasn't downstairs.

"You stay here with Zack," Elliot said, his hand already on his gun where it rested in its holster "I'll go check it out."

"Be careful," Olivia called softly after him as he left. Zack woke up almost at that exact moment and started to cry. Olivia automatically picked him up and began to rock him "Shhhhhhh," she soothed, nervously. She was scared, as scared as she had ever been. It wasn't fear for her own safety but for Elliot and her son.

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Elliot crept down the stairs as quietly as he could. He could hear the sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen. The person banged into something and Elliot heard a muffled curse. He reached the bottom of the stairs and felt around for a light switch; this was not his house, he was relatively unfamiliar with the layout, especially in the dark.

His hand made contact with a switch and he flipped it. The hallway outside the kitchen was immediately lit and it took Elliot half a second to adjust to the brightness. When his eyes could focus again, he saw a man, standing in the hall in front of him.

The man was dressed in black, with a ski mask covering his face. He carried a small black duffle bag over one shoulder and his hands were extended in front of him, attempting to shield his eyes from the light. His hands were clad in white latex gloves but Elliot could clearly see that the glove on the man's right hand had been shredded in several places, probably from when he had broken the glass. Through the rips in the glove, the man's blood was very apparent.

Elliot raised his gun and aimed it at the man "Freeze," he commanded.

The man did not obey and instead turned around and ran back into the kitchen, choosing to climb back out the window through which he had come. Elliot attempted to give chase but when the man scrambled through the window, Elliot knew it was hopeless to try and follow him without disrupting the evidence on the counter below the window.

Instead, he pulled out his cell phone and called Downing. He knew that technically this fell under the jurisdiction of New Jersey PD but he just couldn't bring himself to give this to anyone else. This was Olivia after all and her safety was more important to him than anything. And as he stood there, staring through the shattered glass, he found it hard to shake the feeling that this break in and Dean's murder were somehow connected.

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She stood on the porch with the light on. Her yard was full of cops and she felt safer being where they could see her. She clutched Zack tight to her chest. He was once again wearing his hat and jacket. Her resolve was nearly gone. This day had been one misfortune after another. The sun was beginning to rise over her home turned crime scene.

She watched as Elliot stood with O'Halloran, talking quietly about something. She looked down at Zack and wished she hadn't promised Elliot that she wouldn't run because now, that's all she wanted to do. She wanted to run, run somewhere where she could ensure that her son would be safe.

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"There's blood on the shards from the window he broke," O'Halloran told Elliot as they stood there in the cold.

"Good," Elliot breathed, looking over at Olivia. She looked so small, so shaken, her shoulders hunched as she tried to shield herself and her son from the world.

"We found this by the fence," a tech informed O'Halloran as he handed over the duffle bag that the man had been carrying when Elliot saw him in the hallway. "He must have dropped it when he jumped into the next yard."

O'Halloran took the bag and unzipped it. He and Elliot both stared at the items inside with horrified shock. The bag contained a pair of handcuffs, a large knife, a roll of duct tape and condoms as well as other implements that made the man's reason for entering the house terrifyingly clear.

"Put a rush on that DNA," Elliot said quickly as he turned and nearly sprinted to the porch where Olivia stood. He didn't even hear O'Halloran's response that it would take ten days at least to get the DNA back.

"Pack up," he said almost instantly as soon as he reached her. He immediately cursed himself. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her anymore than she was. She was already about twenty shades paler than she should have been and she hadn't even seen what was in that damn bag.

"What?" she asked, suddenly feeling more on edge "What's wrong?"

Elliot searched his mind for the right words. Finally, he spoke "It's gonna take a day or two for CSU to process all this," he lied "And you can't replace the glass in that window until they're done. It's not safe for you to stay here until that window is fixed," he explained, hoping that she wouldn't argue.

Maybe if it had just been her, Olivia would have shrugged Elliot's explanation off instantly but she had Zack to think of so she agreed "All right," she nodded "But where am I going to stay until then?"

"With me," Elliot answered immediately. He knew he was being too forward but he needed to know that she was safe.

"Elliot," she began to object, already having outlined in her head why this was a bad idea. But he cut her off.

"The kids would love to see you and you haven't even met Rose yet. You can have my bed and I'll sleep on the couch. I still have Rose's old crib and the changing table and-" he would have kept going if Olivia hadn't stopped him.

"Okay, okay Elliot," she laughed a little bit as she spoke "Thank you for your kind offer. It would be a pleasure to spend some time with you and your children. I'll go pack," she and Zack disappeared into the house.

Elliot stood there watching as the sun rose over the neighborhood. Olivia was going to stay with him. What had he just done? Could he trust himself to be a gentleman? They were already flirting with one another and what had almost happened in the nursery…

O'Halloran came up to Elliot "I thought you should know," he said in a serious tone that alerted Elliot to the fact that O'Halloran was about to give him bad news "We found these in the bag too." He handed Elliot two evidence bags.

Elliot took the bags and stared into them. Each bag held one of the wallet sized photos that Olivia had described. In the wedding photo, there was a thick black X over Dean's face and in the picture of Olivia and Zack on Simon's porch, Zack's face was the one crossed out. Elliot's jaw dropped "Oh dear God," he whispered just as Olivia appeared in the doorway. He quickly and surreptitiously handed the photos back to O'Halloran.

He turned to Olivia who had a look of confusion on her face "Ready to go?" he asked. She nodded, deciding that she would ask questions later and the two of them walked to Elliot's car.


	9. Chapter 9: Slipping Away Again

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 9: Slipping Away Again**

**A/N: Here's the next chapter, as I promised. I had such a hard time pushing through the writer's block on this one. I hope it turned out okay. Enjoy and please review.**

It was nearly eight in the morning when Elliot unlocked the door to his apartment. Dickie and Liz were sitting on the couch watching something on TV. When they saw him enter they simultaneously rushed to him.

"Dad," Liz began, throwing her arms around him as her brother did the same. "What took you so long? We were worried."

At that moment both twins spotted Olivia standing behind their father. Their arms dropped to their sides instantly. Dickie was the one to speak first "Hi Olivia."

Olivia smiled at the teenagers "Hey, how are you guys?"

"Good," Elizabeth said, taking a step forward and reaching out to lay a hand on Zack's back "He's so cute," she whispered "What's his name?"

"This is Zack," Olivia introduced, shifting her son so that he faced the twins. Zack smiled and waved both his tiny arms. Olivia gave Zack a quick peck on the cheek, noticing that he felt a lot cooler than he had before "I think he likes you guys."

"Olivia and Zack are going to stay with us for a couple of days," Elliot explained as he took Olivia's bag to his room and set it on the bed "You can stay in here," he told her.

Olivia was going to protest but she was too tired and simply climbed into bed beside her bag and curled up with Zack nestled beside her.

Elliot turned and walked out of the bedroom "Where's Rose?" he inquired of his children as he made his way to the kitchen to make coffee for himself.

"Still asleep," Elizabeth answered, walking ahead of him and setting her empty cereal bowl in the sink "Coffee's already made Dad," she told him.

"Thanks," he replied, grabbing a mug and filling it.

"Why is Olivia staying with us?" Elizabeth asked.

Elliot cleared his throat nervously. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with any of his children "She… needs a place to stay for a couple of days."

"I'm not buying it," Dickie said, joining his father and sister in the kitchen and refilling his own cup of coffee "She disappears for two and a half years and shows up again with a baby. Something's going on here."

Elliot sighed, his kids were just too smart sometimes "Zack's father was killed," he said softly.

"Oh my God," Liz and Dickie whispered at the same time. Thankfully, they didn't press Elliot for any further details.

Just at that moment, Elliot's cell phone rang. He took it out and grumbled to himself as he read the caller ID. It was Downing. For a second, he actually considered ignoring it completely; he was so tired and he didn't want to leave Olivia. But he flipped the phone open anyway "Stabler," he grumbled.

"You sound exhausted," Downing observed and Elliot could detect a hint of something akin to sympathy in the man's voice.

"Long night," Elliot muttered as he took a rather large swig of coffee to try and wake himself up but with each second, he heard sleep calling to him louder and louder.

"Look," Downing began awkwardly "I heard what happened this morning," he cleared his throat "You should stay home today. Take care of Agent Benson and her son. Make sure nothing happens to either of them."

"Thank you sir," Elliot said softly, finding a new respect for his captain.

Downing was about to hang up when he added "If you get a chance… could you tell her that… I'm sorry for what happened…" He hung up the phone before Elliot could reply.

Elliot just stood there, looking confused. Downing had never apologized for anything in the years that Elliot had known him. But then again, Elliot had never really gotten to know Downing all that well. His feelings about the man had been colored from the first day by the fact that Downing had been hand picked by IAB to take Cragen's place. Maybe, Elliot thought as he slipped into a kitchen chair, it was time to give the new captain another chance.

He slumped over his coffee mug. The morning's events still fresh in his mind. Dean's killer was after Olivia and Zack. No matter how much he wanted to get to sleep, he couldn't let his guard down now. His mind began to drift as he fought his drooping eyelids, the caffeine doing nothing to keep him awake.

Just before his eyes slammed shut and he drifted off to sleep, he wondered if this time around he could manage not to screw things up like he had two and a half years ago.

Elizabeth came back into the kitchen to get a glass of juice and saw her father at the kitchen table. She tapped him on the shoulder "Dad," she whispered. The only response she received was an incoherent grumble. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he had had a rough night. Not just the lack of sleep but also the emotional wear and tear of being reunited with Olivia had left him drained in every aspect. Elizabeth motioned for Dickie to come and together the two managed to move their father into Dickie's room where they tucked him into bed.

"Dad needs to lay off the donuts," Dickie remarked to his sister as they made their way back into the living room.

Elizabeth swatted her brother on the arm and sank onto the couch, picking up the remote and flipping through the TV channels "Shut up."

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Rose stretched her tiny arms above her head and yawned. She tossed back the Disney Princess comforter on her bed and slipped out onto the floor, her Elmo slippers making protecting her tiny toes from the cold air. She picked up her teddy bear from the bed and brought him with her into the living room. She saw her brother and sister on the couch watching TV but they didn't notice her.

Her small stomach growled and she padded into her father's room to ask him to make her breakfast. She crept up to the bed quietly but when she got there, she stopped and just stared at the beautiful woman and the little baby who were sleeping there.

Olivia awoke to a pair of precious blue eyes watching her. She stared into the tiny, inquisitive face, framed by shimmering blonde locks. Olivia cleared the sleep from her thoat "Hi," she said softly to the little girl.

"Hi," Rose whispered back before nervously scampering out of the room and to her brother and sister on the couch.

Olivia stood up and picked up Zack. She looked at the clock on Elliot's bedside table. It was 11:00am; she had been asleep for almost three hours. She looked down at Zack and decided that she should feed him something and change his diaper before she tried to get anymore sleep. She picked up the diaper bag and pulled out a jar of mashed bananas and padded out to the kitchen to get a spoon.

She took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs and started to feed Zack. Unlike the morning before, he ate without putting up a fight. It was as if he knew that his mother just didn't have the strength to chase regurgitated food half way across the room this time.

Just when Zack was swallowing the last bite of banana, Rose came into the kitchen, followed by Elizabeth. "Hey Olivia," Elizabeth said as she lifted her little sister into her highchair.

"Hi," Olivia smiled at Elizabeth "Did I miss anything while I was asleep."

"Nah," Elizabeth said as she poured a bowl of Cheerios for Rose and set the bowl on the highchair's tray. "Dad's passed out in Dickie's room. You guys must have been busy last night."

Olivia looked down at Zack who burbled away "Yeah," she murmured, holding her son close to her. They had been busy.

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Elliot walked down the dim hall, drawn by some unseen force. He could hear her, humming the way she had done once or twice when she had been in a rare good mood at work. He secretly reveled in those seldom moments that he would see her with a dreamy smile playing across her face but he could never hold back the biting remark that would inevitably snap her from her revelry.

He turned a corner and the dimly lit hall expanded into a room, drenched in sunlight. She stood in the middle of the room, wearing only a light blue cotton robe. She smiled at him and he walked the few steps to where she stood.

"It's good to see you," she told him with a smile, reaching a hand out to him.

"Olivia," he whispered as he attempted to take the hand she offered but try as he might, her fingers slipped away. Olivia started to drift further away. At first she laughed as if she was playing hard to get but after a while it became clear that she was not the one in control of her movement.

"Elliot!" she called out fearfully as she extended her arm as far as it would go "Please help me?"

Elliot ran as fast as he could to reach her. The brilliantly sun lit room had been replaced with a dark forest. The trees themselves seemed to be crying out in pain in this place. He pushed himself as hard as he could and finally grasped her hand. His other hand reached her waist and he held her but he could feel her being pulled away. Something seemed intent on keeping them apart.

"Don't let go?" Olivia begged, her eyes brimming with tears and her face full of terror.

"I won't," Elliot promised her but no sooner had the words left his mouth than she was wrenched from his grasp. He was hurled onto his back, forced to watch helplessly as she was dragged into darkness, still screaming his name.

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He shot up and stared wildly at his surroundings. It took him a few moments to realize that he was in his son's room. He shot out of bed, knowing that he had to see her. He bounced into the living room to find a very shocked Olivia, sitting on the couch.

"Elliot," she said worriedly, standing up and walking to him "Is everything alright?"

He simply looked at her before closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms tight around her. No unseen forces tried to take her and he sighed in relief "No," he whispered "Everything's fine."

Olivia smiled gently, confused by Elliot's behavior but willing to write it off for the time being. She sat back down on the couch and Elliot sat beside her.

"Where are the kids?" Elliot asked.

"Dickie went to go play basketball with some friends and Liz took Rose to the park," Olivia explained.

"Where's Zack?" Elliot questioned, noticing the absence of the little boy who Olivia had seemed inseparable from that morning.

"I put him down for a nap a little while ago," Olivia explained.

"So you've just been sitting here?" he shifted positions on the couch so he could look at her better. He could see the skin below under her eyes was red and puffy and as he looked closer, he could see dry tear tracks. She had been crying.

"O'Halloran called," she said quietly "He doesn't quite get that I don't work at SVU anymore."

"So he…?" Elliot trailed off, the look in Olivia's eyes told him everything. O'Halloran had spilled the beans.

"Someone wants to kill my baby," Olivia whispered and her eyes welled up again and fresh tears fell.

Elliot pulled her into a tight hug. He ran his hand down her back "I promise you, I won't let anything happen to you or Zack."

Olivia sniffled and hugged him back, she clung to him with everything she had left "I know you will," she said, managing a small smile through her tears. "Thank you."

The sound of soft crying separated the two and Elliot smiled at her "Sounds like someone's awake."

Olivia nodded and stood up, disappearing into Elliot's room and coming out a few seconds later with Zack bouncing in her arms "You just wanted to be part of the action," she smiled, sitting back down next to Elliot and kissing her son on the forehead.

Elliot enveloped both mother and son into a tight hug "Hey there," he smiled down at Zack who burbled happily and waved a tiny hand in the air.

Olivia laughed as she attempted to wipe the tears from her eyes which had not yet stopped falling "He really likes you," she said to Elliot.

"Well, I think he's alright too," Elliot grinned letting Zack grip one of his fingers with his small hand "Wow, you've got some grip there kid," he beamed.

Olivia allowed herself to relax a little. It was funny how safe she felt just having Elliot there. As Zack burbled away, making both of them smile, she was overcome with the sense that everything would work out somehow.

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Olivia's cell phone rang that night after everyone had gone to bed. She rolled onto her side and flipped it open "Benson," she answered, listening to Zack's even breathing as he slept only a few feet away from her.

"Where did he hide it?" a low voice that Olivia didn't recognize asked.

"What?" she asked, propping herself on her elbow.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about you stupid whore," the man told her gruffly.

"No," Olivia told him evenly "I have no idea what you're talking about but you can bet that I'm going to find out who you are and when I do-"

"Uh-huh," the man silenced her quickly "I guess it's easy to talk tough when you've got that ex-partner of yours and his family to hide behind."

Olivia gasped "How-?" she began but was cut off.

"Trust me," the man continued "You aren't safe no matter where you are. I'll find you and then I'll make you watch as I disembowel your baby and anyone else who tries to get in the way."

The line went dead and Olivia sat bolt upright in the bed. She started packing her things. Whatever this guy wanted, it was safer if she was far away from Elliot's family and from Zack when he caught up with her. She bent and placed a lingering kiss on Zack's forehead "Goodbye sweetie," she whispered "Whatever happens, remember I love you."

She stood up and left the room. She crept past where Elliot slept on the couch and to the door. She had her hand on the door knob when a voice stopped her "Liv," Elliot's voice was thick with sleep as she heard him sitting up on the couch "What are you doing?"


	10. Chapter 10: Please Don't Leave

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 10: Please Don't Leave

A/N: I managed to write another chapter. I'm not making any promises about how long it'll take me to get the next one up but we will see.

Olivia steeled instantly, hoping he was still groggy enough to be easily placated, she said quietly "Nothing Elliot, go back to sleep."

"Did you really think you could pull that one off?" he asked, half jokingly, as he got up and walked towards her "Not even Elizabeth tries to sneak out in the middle of the night. So what are you doing?" he asked and even in the relative darkness, Olivia could see the no-nonsense look in his eyes.

Olivia shrugged and followed him back to the couch. She dropped down beside him as she had done that afternoon. Keeping her voice low so as not to wake anyone, she began "I just got a phone call," she paused and tried to organize her thoughts "He… whoever it is who's after Zack and me…" she found that words seemed to be failing her "He said… he would…" she couldn't speak.

Elliot pulled her close "Shhhhh," he soothed. "We'll find out where that call came from, we'll get you and Zack round the clock protection, we'll-"

"I can't," she whispered "I have to leave. It's better for all of you. He knows… he knows about you Elliot." She buried her face in his chest, desperate to feel him, to know that he was there with her before she would have to tear herself away and run again.

"Olivia," Elliot said in a soft yet commanding tone as he rubbed small circles down her back "Look at me."

She pulled back just far enough that she could look into his eyes. What she saw made the tears come faster. There was only determination and love and she could feel that he was never going to give up on her. She opened her mouth to object and he covered her lips with his fingers.

"I never stopped loving you," he said honestly "I know a lot of things have changed but I just want you to know that there is no way I am going to let anything happen to you or your son. Do you believe me?"

She nodded but as soon as his fingers fell from her lips she said "But your kids Elliot…"

"You've been using my kids as an excuse for far too long Olivia," he said sternly "You have to accept my help on this one okay?"

"What if he comes here?" she asked "What if something happens to Dickie or Elizabeth or Rose because of me?"

"Olivia, you've got to trust me that I know how to protect you and my family," Elliot told her.

She nodded "I do trust you," she whispered "But…" she trailed off and when she spoke next, her voice was so small that Elliot could barely hear it even though he was only centimeters from her face "I'm afraid."

"I know," Elliot whispered back and the two of them stared into each other's eyes for a long time. He hadn't realized until now just how much he had missed being able to look into her eyes. It had been far too long.

Olivia moved her lips closer to his slightly and then, before either of them knew what was happening, their lips had met. They pulled apart just as quickly as it had happened and both looked away. There was so much that Olivia wanted to tell him; she had never stopped loving him either and in fact she probably loved him even more now because he wasn't just offering to keep her safe but he had promised to keep her son safe as well. She was about to say something when Zack began to cry. She stood up and went to pick him up. When she did, she noticed that the window was open. She got to the window just in time to see a figure retreating down the fire escape. She clutched her son to her chest as she sank to the floor, consumed by pure terror that someone had gotten so close "Elliot," she called out in a hoarse whisper that was meant to be a scream.

He ran into the room and saw the open window. He feared the worst until he realized that he could still hear Zack crying. That was when he looked down and saw Olivia, huddled on the floor with her son held close to her. He knelt down beside her "Liv," he whispered, fumbling for his cell phone "What happened?"

Olivia pointed at the window with a shaking finger "He… down the fire escape…" she crumpled again, fear overtaking her as Zack continued to cry in her arms.

Elliot separated from her long enough to go to the window and peer out into the darkness, he saw no one. He closed the window and returned to where Olivia was on the floor "Shhhhhh," he said softly as he held her and went back and forth with Downing.

Olivia only heard bits and pieces of what Elliot was saying; she only had eyes for her son. She had completely ignored the note that had been left on the bed beside him. Zack wouldn't stop crying though it probably had more to do with Olivia's inability to stop crying herself than anything else.

Elliot hung up from talking to Downing "He's sending CSU over hear and Munch and Fin are taking all of us to the precinct. We'll decide what to do from there," he gently pulled Zack from Olivia's arms and rocked him gently. The little boy stopped crying but continued to look at his mother with apprehension and confusion "It's okay," Elliot said quietly, moving the baby so he was resting against Elliot's shoulder. He stood up and extended a hand down to Olivia "Come on," he smiled reassuringly at her "Let's go tell the kids to pack."

Olivia stood up and numbly followed Elliot out of the bedroom. She squeezed Elliot's hand and he squeezed back "I'm sorry," she whispered and hung her head only to have Elliot gather her in his arms and kiss her again, except this time, even in the presence of Zack, they didn't pull away or try to act like it didn't happen.

"I promise you," he said as confidently and firmly as he had said it earlier "Nothing will happen to either of you."

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Elliot tiptoed to the crib and slowly opened the door. He smiled softly as the light from the doorway fell across the three nearest cots. Elizabeth, Dickie and Rose were fast asleep. The twins hadn't been too thrilled about being awoken in the middle of the night and told to pack their things but when the situation was explained, they'd been more than happy to cooperate. As Elliot stood in the doorway, he wished that Olivia had chosen to get some sleep too. Instead, she was downstairs, sitting in what had been her chair long ago, keeping Zack close to her and not letting anyone but Elliot take him from her once in a while.

Elliot softly closed the door and headed downstairs. The squad room was nearly empty. Downing was in his office and the door was closed. Chester, who had been exiled from his desk for the moment, and had nothing else to do at the moment, was sitting on the corner of Elliot's and watching Olivia. Every few minutes, he would ask if she needed anything only to be rebuffed with a sharp 'no' from Olivia.

Elliot walked over to Chester and gave him a pat on the shoulder "Don't take it personally. She's had a rough night," Elliot glanced in Olivia's direction and pulled a couple of bucks out of his pocket "Hey," he said to Chester "Could you go get me a couple of bottles of water from the machine."

"Sure," Chester said, glad for something to do. He took the money from Elliot and headed down the hell to the vending machine.

Elliot pulled his desk chair around to where Olivia sat "You do know that's not your desk anymore?" he asked conversationally.

"I'm not in the mood to be messed with," she told him simply "He can have his desk back when I'm done with it."

"When do you think that'll be?" Elliot asked, taking the now asleep Zack from his mother's arms "He's a good guy," Elliot said, referring to Chester.

"I'm sure he is," Olivia said quietly "I just don't want to deal with anyone right now," he could see her eyes glistening with tears again.

Elliot decided now was as good a time as any to tell her what Downing had suggested. He cleared his throat "Downing thinks I should take you out of state until all of this cools down."

Olivia looked up "Not the worst idea I've heard all night," she mused "But this doesn't seem like the kind of thing that will 'cool down' all that easily if at all."

"It won't take long to find this guy," Elliot said confidently "Downing thinks that you'd be safer somewhere that he wouldn't think to look for you."

"He's not just looking for me," Olivia said "He wants something he thinks I have or at least know where to find it. And whatever it is, it sounded like he's pretty determined to get it."

"It still couldn't hurt to get out of town for a day or two," Elliot told her.

"Are you speaking as Detective Stabler, the cop or Elliot Stabler, the man who would do any stupid thing to save someone he cares about?" she asked.

"What's so stupid about getting out of town for a few days?" Elliot said defensively.

"Would you be planning to bring all of your children on this little getaway?" Olivia questioned.

"I don't see where this is going," Elliot looked at her sternly "Why can't you just do something to keep yourself safe for once?"

"What?" Olivia asked "It isn't safe for anyone who's around me!" she finally snapped, standing up and waking Zack in the process "He said he'd kill anyone who got in his way," she tried to run for the roof but Elliot managed to catch her with one hand.

Keeping Zack, who was now crying, balanced on one shoulder, he held Olivia's gaze with fiery blue eyes "Don't you dare run away," he said firmly "I don't blame you for running away two and a half years ago but God help me, I will blame you if you run now."

This got Olivia's attention and she returned to her seat "If I stay, he might…" she trailed off and looked away.

"And if you go, there's no guarantee that he won't still come after me or my kids or anyone for that matter but there's a much bigger chance that he'll do God knows what to you and God Damn it Olivia there is no way I'm just gonna stand here and let that happen."

He had kept his voice as even as possible but at the end it cracked and Olivia saw the tears in his eyes. She reached forwards and engulfed him in a huge hug, careful of her son who had started to settle down again "El," she whispered "I'm sorry. I just can't… when I think of what might happen to you if…"

"And you think I never thought about what might happen to you?" he asked almost indignantly "That it didn't hurt to think that someone could… Do you not realize how much you mean to me?"

She didn't say anything. She simply held him, her cheek pressed against his as their tears blended.

After a long silence Elliot cupped her face with his hand and looked into her eyes "Please don't leave?"

Olivia gave him a watery smile as she leaned in and kissed him. She finally understood. It was time to stop running away. It was time to make a stand and fight for what she wanted, had wanted for years. As she pulled back and noticed Munch, Fin and Chester entering the bullpen, she replied "I'm not going anywhere."

A/N: I just needed some EOness and I think it was high time Elliot gave her a piece of his mind about the running away thing she keeps doing. Next chapter will have more to do with who called Olivia and what Dean took from who. Surprises are ahead.


	11. Chapter 11: Betrayal

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 11: Betrayal

A/N: I've found my passion for this story once again. Like I said, there are lots of surprises in store.

"Guess who your mystery caller is?" Munch asked Olivia, wasting no time in getting down to business.

Olivia took Zack out of Elliot's arms and sank down in the chair "I don't know John. That's why you're here," she replied flatly; she wasn't in the mood for guessing games or sarcastic banter. She felt Elliot lift her free hand and give it a gentle squeeze. She turned and saw him smile softly at her.

"Just tell us John," Elliot told his colleague firmly.

Munch placed a folder on the desk in front of Elliot "The call came from the office of one Henry Fisher."

Olivia's mouth dropped open and Zack slipped a good six inches down her shoulder before she caught him again. She couldn't even begin to comprehend that her boss, Zack's Godfather, the man whom Dean had admired and had put unwavering trust in, could have anything to do with this whole mess. "It can't be him," she said at last, pulling from her mind every piece of evidence she could use to contradict what sat in front of them, as plain as day "On the phone, I didn't recognize his voice."

"He probably disguised it somehow," Elliot's hand was on her arm and he was looking into her face with nothing but concern and sympathy.

"It can't be him," she murmured "It just can't be," she looked down at her son "He… he's not that kind of person," she finished meekly.

"I know you don't want to believe it Olivia," Elliot was saying "But if he does have something to do with this, we should follow up on it."

"He did want the investigation to be handled by his people," Fin stated.

Olivia nodded and stood up "I'm coming with you guys," she said firmly.

"Liv," Elliot murmured warningly "You can't be hauling a baby around in the middle of the night, especially not to go talk to a potential murder suspect."

"Liz and Dickie can watch him," she told him. When his expression hadn't changed she added "If he does have something to do with this, I want to know why."

Elliot could see the betrayal in her eyes. She had come to trust her new boss and this recent development had shaken that trust. She needed to know what was real. He nodded and turned to go upstairs and wake the twins.

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Elliot drove and Olivia sat in the passenger's seat. Chester had gone with Munch and Fin back to Elliot's apartment to look for any additional clues there; interviewing a suspect didn't require more than one detective and having a very determined FBI agent along for the ride never hurt.

"He was in charge of Dean's undercover," Olivia said quietly "He would have been able to get his hands on Dean's wallet and place it… on the body," logic was taking over and the realization of how big a fool she must have been to trust Fisher, simply because Dean had trusted him, was finally setting in.

"I'm sure there are at least a dozen different ways that the killer could have gotten his hands on Dean's wallet," Elliot tried to make her feel better "And there's nothing that says that the person who made the call from Fisher's office was actually Fisher."

"No one gets into that office without him knowing it," Olivia told him in a monotone. She turned her gaze from the road in front of the car to Elliot "Either he made the call or he knows who did. He's the paranoid type. The room itself is literally crawling with surveillance and alarms," she looked away again "I still can't believe it," she whispered.

Elliot placed a hand on her knee "We're gonna get to the bottom of this," he promised.

She managed a small smile "Thanks," she whispered and turned away towards the road again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The building was dark, much too dark. Even at such a late hour, there should have been receptionists running to and froe, agents turning in last minute paperwork and security guards, making sure everyone that was there, was supposed to be.

They walked through the front entrance without any opposition of any kind into a hallway lit only by the orange exit signs. Elliot turned to Olivia as he flipped on his flashlight "How many security guards should there be?" he asked.

Olivia glanced down at her watch "Four," she answered, her heart beating faster by the second "Two at this entrance and two at the other," this wasn't right.

As they walked down the hall they soon learned what had happened to the two security guards assigned to the entrance. Elliot's flashlight beam reflected off their lifeless eyes first "Oh God," he said quietly as he and Olivia approached. The two men were bound and gagged and upon closer inspection Olivia spotted the gunshot wounds in the backs of their heads.

"Executed," she said sorrowfully; she recognized both men. She looked at Elliot, her face full of terror. This was a federal building, there was no way that someone could possibly…

"We should get out of here and call for backup," Elliot said. He grabbed Olivia and headed back towards the exit when the door to one of the elevator opened.

Elliot and Olivia froze for a moment, staring at the man, backlit by the elevator's lights, which were apparently still working. Elliot raised his flashlight to try and illuminate the man's face.

Elliot didn't notice when the man raised the gun at his side but Olivia did "Elliot," she half screamed, grabbing him and pulling him down the hall and through the nearest door. The first shot barely missed them as they dove through the door.

They looked at each other, very much aware of the man's rapidly approaching footsteps. They were in a stairwell. Elliot pointed to the stairs leading up "You go up, I'll try and get him when he comes through the door."

"Like hell you will," Olivia retorted breathlessly as she sprinted up the stairs, dragging Elliot with her.

The man burst through the door to the stairwell after they had disappeared from sight and he couldn't accurately tell whether the footfalls he heard in the echoing space were coming from above or below him. He chose down thinking that they would have gone that way in the hopes that they could run faster in that direction. He took the stairs slowly on his way to the basement and subbasements; if they were there, he would find them.

Olivia and Elliot finally stopped running when they had reached the fifth floor. Olivia leaned against the railing while she caught her breath "I don't hear him," she whispered "I think we can take a minute," she withdrew her gun, which hadn't left her side since she had left Elliot's apartment, and peered down the stairs into the blackness.

"What the hell is going on here?" Elliot asked, pulling out his cell phone and flipping in open. He frowned "No signal, Damn it."

"It's probably the stairwell," Olivia told him "If you go through that door," she pointed to the door that led to the fifth floor offices "You'll probably get a signal."

Elliot went through the door and returned a few seconds later "Still no signal," he said almost afraid "I hate New Jersey."

"I've always been able to get a signal in this building," Olivia rebuffed "Don't blame New Jersey."

Elliot took up Olivia's former position at the top of the stairs with his gun raised and Olivia walked out into the hall to try and get a signal on her phone. When she returned he didn't even have to look at her, he heard the failure in the sigh that she gave as soon as the door was closed again "No luck?" he asked.

"Not so much as bar one," she said angrily "Our best bet is to find an office and call for help from there."

Elliot turned and followed Olivia into the hall. He stayed as close as he possibly could to her "This is really bad," he whispered.

Olivia nodded as she approached the door of the first office on their right. She tried the doorknob, it was locked. For a moment she wondered if they could knock it down without drawing attention to themselves when she saw someone get up from under the desk in the office and walk towards the door. It was Fisher's secretary, Amy. She opened the door and waved the two in, closing it softly behind them and locking it again. Amy ushered them behind the large desk "Olivia," she began in a terrified and small tone "What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to agent Fisher," Olivia said quietly as she crouched down beside Elliot.

"Don't bother," Amy whispered back "There's no reasoning with him. He's lost it."

Olivia stared at Amy for a long time "Amy?" she asked afraid of what she might find out "Is Fisher the one who killed the security guards?"

Amy nodded, ducking her head quickly and wiping at her eyes "Four men came into the office. I thought one of them looked familiar and I went up to the door to listen in," she looked almost ashamed but she continued "He opened his desk and handed them guns, told them to stay there until he'd gotten rid of security," she looked away again "While he was gone, I went back to my desk and I found the picture of the one that I thought looked familiar," she paused.

"Let me guess," Olivia was finding it hard not to choke on her words "Trent Nash."

Amy nodded again "I'm sorry Olivia."

Olivia turned to Elliot and wiped furiously at her eyes "He set Dean up," she said sadly.

Elliot wrapped an arm around her "I'm sorry," he whispered. He reached up and felt along the top of the desk until his hand came into contact with the phone.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Amy asked, her cheeks flushing bright pink.

"Sometimes when our bodies are under a lot of stress," Elliot began "We don't always think of the most logical option first."

Amy nodded "Dial 9 for an outside line," she told Elliot as she and Olivia and Elliot crossed their fingers.

Elliot hung up the phone "Not even a dial tone," he said in defeat."

"That's not possible," Amy said in disbelief "We need to get some help out here."

"Amy," Olivia started "Was there anyone else working late tonight."

Amy nodded sadly "When Fisher got back, he told the others to find anyone in the building and kill them. He rerouted all the security cameras to his office."

Olivia stared up at the camera over the door "They know we're here," she stated and she shared a quick look with Elliot.

"No," Amy reassured them "I disconnected all the ones in this hallway.

Olivia shook her head, her hand grasping her gun firmly "How did you get here from Fisher's office?" she asked.

"When I heard him tell them to kill everyone they found, I started running," Amy replied evenly, though a dark shadow had fallen across her face.

Olivia shook her head. Of all the things that Amy had said, the one thing that had seemed most peculiar to her was what she hadn't said. She hadn't asked who Elliot was, because she already knew.

Olivia had drawn her gun in seconds and wasn't surprised when Amy drew one of her own "Nice gun Amy," Olivia remarked "Where'd you get it?"

"Henry gave it to me," Amy smiled slyly "But you already knew that didn't you?"

"Who are the guys with Nash and Fisher?" Olivia asked venomously as she watched Elliot out of the corner of her eye, his gun drawn, his lips pursed. She was more than prepared to shoot Amy if she had to but she wanted to get as much information as possible out of her first.

"You know who Nash works for don't you?" Amy asked with a toss of her head "It seems your darling husband got on the bad side of the mob."

Olivia was shocked but she kept her composure "What do you mean?"

Amy heard the footsteps coming down the hall. She grinned maniacally "You don't need to know that." Amy raised her gun and pointed it at Elliot "All you need to know is he's not invited to the party."

Elliot's gun went off, hitting Amy right between the eyes. She fell backwards and he stood up, pulling Olivia to her feet after him "What parts of this building don't the cameras cover?" he asked.

"Um…" Olivia thought for a moment "Stairwells and restrooms."

Elliot turned his eyes towards the ceiling. That did them no good. He could hear the footsteps coming closer. Then suddenly he saw it "What about air vents?" he asked.

"What?" Olivia questioned, absolutely confused by his question.

"Do the cameras cover the ventilation system?" he asked frantically.

"No," Olivia responded and following his line of sight, she understood his plan. With the footsteps drawing closer by the second, she hopped up on the desk and removed the panel over the air vent.

Before she could even turn around, Elliot hoisted her in and climbed up after her. Before they could even catch their breaths, the door to the office burst open and two men came into view beneath them. Olivia didn't recognize either one.

"They killed the secretary," one of them observed nonchalantly.

"Yeah but where are they?" the other asked but he didn't need to wait for an answer because his eyes had drifted to the open air vent. He had jumped on top of the desk before Elliot or Olivia had noticed. He stuck his gun in the waist band of his pants and jumped up to the vent.

Without thinking, Elliot punched the man in the face, causing him to fall backwards onto the floor of the office. There was a gunshot and the man screamed. His gun had gone off while it was in his pants. From where Elliot and Olivia observed the scene below, it was obvious that the shot had nicked his femoral artery. He was bleeding profusely and his broken nose was the absolute least of his concerns.

"FUCK!" he screamed "FUCK! ONE OF THEM FUCKING SHOT ME!"

Olivia almost yelled back 'no we didn't' but thought better of it and hurriedly followed Elliot down the narrow passage. The second man never followed them into the air ducts. Either from fear that he would meet the same fate as his colleague or something else, they didn't care, the only thing on either's mind was escaping.

After about fifteen minutes of twists and turns, Elliot stopped "What is it?" Olivia asked fearfully.

"The phone was unplugged," Elliot told her.

"What?" Olivia asked.

"Amy must have unplugged the phone before we got there," Elliot clarified "If we could get to another office, we could call for help."

"Good plan," Olivia sighed, leaning against the side of the duct, exhausted "One problem though, the second we drop down from the ceiling into an office, they're gonna know where we are."

"Good point," Elliot conceded "There aren't any phones in the bathrooms are there?" he asked with a small chuckle.

"No," Olivia responded with a sigh.

"Amy said there were four men besides Fisher right?" he asked.

"If she was telling the truth," Olivia said ruefully.

"What she told us is the best estimate we've got," Elliot told her as he continued on with his train of thought "It's safe to say that if Fisher rerouted the feeds from the cameras to his office that he's there keeping an eye on things," he paused and managed to turn himself around to face Olivia in the cramped space "How many rounds do you have left?"

"Eight in the gun and another clip in my pocket," she replied.

"Good," he smiled slightly "I've got seven left, I didn't think to bring an extra clip… no I'm fine," he said as Olivia reached into her pocket and attempted to hand him the spare clip.

"You're gonna need it more than I am," she told him "Remember, you're not invited to the party. Apparently I am. I don't think they're gonna kill me."

"All the more reason I'd rather have you take it," he told her but when he attempted to hand it back to her, she simply shook her head.

"El, I'll be fine. Take it, please," even in the dim light from his flashlight, he could see her eyes pleading with him.

He reluctantly slipped the clip into his own pocket "But if you run out first, I'm giving it back to you."

"Fair enough," Olivia said with a half smile "What's your plan?"

A/N: So a federal building would have a lot more than four security guards and would be a lot harder to take over than this but I'm taking author's privilege on this one people. I hope you are enjoying this and I'll try to update soon.


	12. Chapter 12: One Heart

**Fooling Ourselves**

**Chapter 12: One Heart**

**A/N: Here's the next chapter you guys. I hope you like it. Please review because you all make my day a little brighter. Happy reading.**

"Do you think you could shoot those cameras out from the slots in the vents?" Elliot asked.

Olivia inspected the panel nearest her. She peered through the slots into a hallway. She craned her neck and could just see the security camera that covered the area. She stuck her gun barrel through the slot "I think I might be able to," she said pensively.

"Good," Elliot said, shifting slowly and turning away in the narrow passage "Shoot out as many as you can but don't use more than half your bullets okay."

Olivia nodded "Be careful," she called after him, knowing that he was off to do the same thing.

"You too," he called back as he disappeared into the inky blackness of the vent.

Olivia crawled along until she found a panel above an office. Alone in the vent, every sound seemed magnified. Every creek made her shiver. It had been okay as long as Elliot was with her but alone, all she could do was think about what had happened. Dean had been set up. Why?

She took careful aim between the slots in the vent. She squeezed the trigger and she was so on edge that the gunshot nearly made her scream.

She stayed frozen in place for what seemed like an eternity. The camera was decimated, that much she was sure of. Only a minute or so after she had fired, she heard what sounded like an answering gunshot coming from the direction Elliot had gone. She only prayed it was him. Amy's words suddenly flashed in her mind with white hot intensity 'he's not invited to the party'.

She suddenly forgot all about taking out security cameras and backtracked, holding her gun at the ready just in case, to the place where she had last seen Elliot. She heard two more gunshots before she found him. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that he was uninjured. "Thank God," she whispered.

"You okay?" Elliot asked reaching out to her and pulling her towards him. She was shaking slightly "Liv?" he questioned.

"It's nothing," she said dismissively, pulling away from him "I took out one camera," she changed the topic quickly.

"I got two of them," he said, holstering his gun.

"Now what?" Olivia asked, looking at the vent Elliot had just shot through when before she arrived.

Elliot was about to say something when they heard voices coming from below. Both leaned closer to the panel so they could hear more clearly.

"Damn it!" one voice yelled "They aren't here either."

"There around here somewhere," the other voice said smugly. "Remember, you take her alive," the voices were drifting away as the two men walked out of the office. Still, his next words reached both of them clear as day "Fisher wants you to take care of her friend nice and clean, not like with her husband. If you hadn't gone overboard with that, we probably wouldn't be in this mess."

Olivia's jaw clenched tight. One of those men had been Trent Nash. She turned to Elliot "Come on," she motioned down the passage "Let's go. They've probably already searched the office that I got earlier," she practically dragged him along with her. She had one objective now, get to the office, call for help. After that, she just didn't care what happened to her.

She would go down into the office alone. Elliot would be safer if he waited in the duct until help got there. It took them ten minutes before they reached the panel in the wall that Olivia remembered firing through. She pried the grate off and was about to slide through the opening when Elliot stopped her.

"Wait a minute," he said gently "I'll go down there, just in case."

Olivia almost laughed, they had both been thinking the same thing "No," she said firmly "You should stay here," to make her point, she shoved him back and slid down into the office, gracefully landing on the desk.

Up in the duct, Elliot rubbed his head where it had hit the wall. He moved closer to the opening and peered down into the office just in time to see Olivia thrown against the opposite wall of the office. He slid dropped down onto the desk immediately but Olivia's assailant didn't even turn around.

"How…?" Olivia asked in surprise.

"You'd be surprised how much faster you can go from point A to point B when you don't have to crawl through a vent," Trent Nash told her fiercely. "We figured that you'd head to one of your first two targets. I guess I hit the jackpot hmm?" he raised an eyebrow suggestively at Olivia who felt like she wanted to vomit.

She shoved him back and he stumbled, colliding with the desk. It was then, as he turned to try and recover his balance that he saw Elliot.

Nash drew his gun and pointed it at Elliot. Olivia saw what he was doing and acted quickly, pushing his arm so the bullet lodged itself in the wall.

Elliot meanwhile had ducked and had managed to get around Nash to where Olivia stood. He pushed her behind him. Nash recovered quickly and pointed his gun at Elliot once more.

"No!" in a move that would have appeared comical if not for the circumstances, Olivia jumped in front of Elliot and pushed him behind her.

Nash kept his gun level as he stared at Olivia with cold, soulless eyes "Isn't that sweet," he said with a smirk "I'll make you a deal sweetie, you give me what I'm looking for and I'll let you and your wannabe superman go."

Olivia stared back at him with fury etched into her face "I don't know what it is you've been looking for," she said honestly "And even if I did, I wouldn't give it to you because we both know that there's only one way this is gonna end."

"Yeah," Nash said smugly "Your friend there dies and his blood is on your hands. No matter how this goes, I'm gonna get what I want." He watched the reaction on Olivia's face with great amusement "Now just give it to me and this can all be over."

"Like I said," Olivia said angrily, feeling Elliot shift behind her "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Nash approached her and lifted her wrist "Nice watch," he mused.

"So," Olivia stared down at the watch that Dean had given her right after Zack was born. What could this have to do with anything? Still, if all he wanted was her watch, she should count herself lucky. If it meant Elliot's life, Nash could have the damned thing.

Nash slid the watch off Olivia's wrist and examined it. He smiled and slipped it into his pocket. Before Olivia or Elliot knew what had happened, he had thrown Olivia to the side "Well," he said, looking at Elliot who by now had pulled his own gun "I've got what I came for," he cocked the hammer of the gun.

Olivia rolled over on the floor and her eyes went wide. She had known not to trust Nash but for some reason she thought that they might benefit from a little more time. She sprang to her feet and launched herself at Nash. The gun went off and Olivia rolled to the side.

Elliot fired the all of the remaining bullets in his gun into Nash before kneeling beside Olivia. She had a pretty nasty looking wound in her side "Oh God," he whispered, pulling off his coat and pressing it to the wound as hard as he dared.

"El…" she whispered "The… phone…"

Elliot had almost forgotten. He managed to reach up to the desk while still keeping pressure on Olivia's wound. He cradled the receiver between his shoulder and ear as the blessed sound of the dial tone filled him with a sense of hope "Hold on Liv," he said desperately as he dialed.

Olivia's focus was fading in and out. She barely heard any of Elliot's conversation with whoever he had called but she heard enough to know that help was on the way. She realized that he had hung up and was speaking to her again. She summoned the strength to reach the arm that was on her uninjured side up and place her hand on his arm. He fell silent immediately and listened "It's okay…" she told him.

Elliot laid his free hand on her cheek, keeping eye contact with her at all costs "Stay with me," he begged.

"El... if I…" she began "If I…"

"Don't say it," he pleaded "You're too strong to let this get you."

She smiled softly "But… if I… don't… make it."

"You're gonna be fine," Elliot told her firmly as his eyes filled with tears. The only reason she had gotten hurt is because he hadn't been quick enough with his gun.

"Shut up… for a… second…" Olivia said in a firm, yet halting tone "If I don't… Take care… of Zack… please…"

"Olivia," Elliot said quietly and then the hand that lay on his arm grasped him so forcefully that it made him jump.

"Promise… me…" Olivia demanded.

"I promise," he whispered as he heard the sirens of the New Jersey police department approaching "But you're gonna be fine."

"Stop… saying... that…" Olivia half laughed "I… got… shot… I'm… not… fine…" her eyes drifted closed "I'm so sorry… I ran…"

"Don't be," Elliot leaned closer so he could hear her weakening voice "You shouldn't try to talk." Where were those damn paramedics? Vaguely, his senses registered the far off sounds of guns being fired and people shouting to one another but in this moment, in this place, there was only him, and Olivia.

"No…" she said "I… have… have to… you… have to… understand… why I…"

"Shhhh," Elliot said softly. "I understand," he reassured her as he pressed against the wound with all that he had. It was as if the blood that flowed between his fingers and turned his jacket a thick wet black, was as much his life force as it was hers.

Olivia smiled "Good," she whispered, her lips parting ever so slightly. She fell silent and Elliot began to mutter incoherent prayers under his breath as he fought to keep his hands steady.


	13. Chapter 13: Love Will Lead You

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 13: Love Will Lead You

A/N: Okay, so I was really evil with my last cliffhanger, I know I was and I'm sorry about that. To make up for it, here's a new chapter. I hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

The waiting room was packed. Elliot sat in the corner. Maureen sat to his left with Rose drowsily bobbing up and down in her lap. Kathleen took up the chair on his left. Dickie stood next to the vending machines, his arms folded across his chest, trying to pretend he wasn't worried. Elizabeth moved nervously from her seat to the water fountain every few seconds.

Elliot had called Simon the first chance he got and he, Lucy and Charlie sat against one wall, Charlie leaned against his mother's side and watched the waiting room through sagging eyelids.

When Simon had first arrived, he and Elliot had looked at each other for a long time before the two men embraced "She's tough," Simon had told Elliot "She's gonna make it."

"I know," Elliot had responded with a small smile as he sunk back into his chair.

News of Olivia's injury had spread fast. Downing had asked Chester to stay and work late but he had let Munch and Fin come to the hospital to join the vigil. Munch had called Casey who had driven to Cragen's house and practically dragged the man from his bed.

Munch, Fin and Cragen all sat opposite from Simon and his family, shifting in their chairs every few minutes. Munch crossed and uncrossed his legs, Fin alternated which arm of the chair he was leaning on and Cragen shifted as if he was sitting on top of something sharp. Casey on the other hand kept moving. She walked from person to person, offering to get coffee; she couldn't stop moving or reality might catch up with her.

Baby Zack was passed from one person's arms to the other around the room while they waited for news about his mother's condition. He was surprisingly calm even with all the new people who embraced him. Every so often, the person holding him would comment on how much he resembled his mother and when that happened, the room would fall even more silent than it had been earlier.

It was when Elliot was taking his turn to hold the sleepy infant that he thought of something. Why had Olivia asked him to take care of Zack if… if the worst happened? Simon, as he blood relative, was the obvious choice. He looked down into Zack's face. The little boy looked back at him with nothing but innocence. A tiny hand grasped one of his fingers and he smiled softly.

Casey walked by and Zack waved his little arms in her direction. She smiled warmly "You need anything Elliot?" she asked.

"No," he responded simply "Thanks."

Casey nodded and moved on, leaving Elliot, holding Olivia's son in his arms. He thought about her. He knew he wouldn't be able to take it if he lost her for good. He hoped that he could have another chance. He wanted to build a future with her, the future they should have had, the one that he had given up on having years ago because his first priority was his family. He was only just beginning to understand that Olivia was more than family to him, she was his heart.

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She was vaguely aware of voices above her, calling things out, shouting medical terms that her tired brain didn't have the energy to process. Slowly, the voices drifted farther and farther away until they were no more than whispers.

"Olivia," she heard a new voice, clear and familiar. The wind carried it to her ears and it was as if the voice was a part of the wind.

And then she realized there was wind. How could it be windy in an operating room? She looked around her and realized that she wasn't in an operating room. It was a hill top, covered in flowers, sweet smelling wild flowers in colors so vibrant that Olivia didn't believe that they could possibly be real. The gentle breeze tossed her hair and caressed her skin and she felt warm and safe and loved.

"Olivia," the voice called again and she looked around for the source.

She spotted him "Dean," she said breathlessly, taking a step towards him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, reaching out and laying a feather light hand on her shoulder.

Olivia looked down, thinking, trying to remember what had happened "I got shot," she responded slowly. Then it came back to her "Elliot… he was… is he okay?" she asked, looking at Dean pleadingly.

"He's fine," another voice from behind her said calmly.

Olivia turned to the woman and smiled "Kathy?" she asked.

Kathy returned her smile, somehow, she wasn't jealous of Olivia anymore "He's fine," Kathy said again "And he's worried about you."

"You shouldn't be here yet," Dean told her.

Olivia turned back to him "What did you do that the mob wanted you dead?" she asked, needing to know.

"I stole some files," he replied "The watch I gave you, there's a flash drive in it. There's enough evidence in that little thing to put away at least ten of the biggest power players in New Jersey and New York for the rest of their lives."

"Oh," Olivia said softly, reaching out to him "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dean looked away from her for a second "It was safer for you and Zack if you didn't know."

"I hate to break this up," Kathy said gently, stepping up beside Dean "But she can't stay here too much longer."

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"If you don't get back soon, you'll never get back," Kathy explained.

"You'll be dead," Dean finished.

"How am I supposed to get back?" Olivia asked.

"Focus," Dean told her. "Focus on Zack and Elliot." She stared at him for a moment "I know," he replied, leaning forward and brushing his lips against hers one last time "I wanted to believe that you could love me the way I loved you but I think we both know the truth."

"I'll always care for you," Olivia whispered as she could feel Dean slipping away.

"I'll always care for you too," she could hear him saying as the hill top faded from view "And I want you to be happy."

The whispers of the people above her were becoming louder now and she was only just barely able to catch Kathy's final cry of "Take care of Elliot for me. And make sure Rose knows that I love her," before harsh florescent lights shone through her closed eyelids.

"She's stabilizing," one of the voices called out in absolute amazement.

"Good," another voice said "Let's finish closing her up and get her to the recovery room."

Olivia cracked her eyes open and saw a kind faced blond nurse standing by her head. "She's coming out of it," the nurse called before placing her gloved hand on Olivia's forehead "Take it easy," she murmured "You're gonna be fine."

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The waiting room was as quiet as it had been since the last of the group had arrived. Charlie was now fast asleep as was Rose. Casey had finally been coaxed into a chair and had promptly started to cry, allowing the gravity of the situation crash down around her.

Fin had only seconds before offered to get coffee and muffins since it was six in the morning and they still hadn't heard anything from Olivia's doctors. He had left the waiting room probably faster than one might have expected but anyone who would have bothered to look would have seen tough guy Fin, wiping frantically at a tear that had slid past his defenses.

Zack began to fuss in Elliot's arms and he asked Kathleen for the diaper bag before standing up and walking to the bathroom. The little boy's diaper was full and Elliot wondered why he hadn't complained before.

"I don't think you did all of that just now," he commented as he slid the dirty diaper off and, wrinkling his nose as he did so, threw it in the trash.

The baby simply lay there, staring at Elliot with familiar brown eyes. Elliot knew that Zack had to be aware that something wasn't right. There was no way that the extended absence of his mother could go unnoticed by the child.

Elliot cleaned Zack up and fastened a new diaper before pulling the little boy's pajamas back over his body; the same pajamas Zack had been wearing when Elliot had first laid eyes on him only about thirty or so hours ago. A lot had happened in that time. Elliot picked the baby up "She'll be fine," he said, though he wasn't sure who he was reassuring.

He carried Zack back into the waiting room at the same moment that Olivia's doctor emerged. The next few moments were a flurry of activity as everyone sprang from their seats and surrounded the poor man.

Rose, who had been awoken by Maureen's sudden movement and the barrage of questions that now hummed in her ears, started to cry "It's too loud," she sobbed, which only made things worse.

Charlie who had not been woken when his mother had moved, leaving him to lounge across the small couch that Simon's family had been occupying, woke up when Rose started to fuss. He rubbed his eyes and looked around "What's going on?" he asked.

The doctor stood in the middle of all the confusion and didn't know what to do or say. Maureen, reluctantly, carried Rose out into the hallway where it was quieter and she settled down within a few minutes but the others couldn't keep quiet. Elliot, who was just as desperate, if not more desperate than the others, finally lost it. He handed Zack to Kathleen.

"Take him out into the hall," he said softly.

"But Dad," Kathleen objected.

"I'll come get you in a minute," Elliot promised, shoeing her away.

Kathleen carried Zack out to where Maureen and Rose were standing. With a sigh, she leaned against the wall. It wasn't until a few seconds later that she understood why her father had practically shoved her out the door as the bellowing call of "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" resounded through the hospital corridors.

Kathleen and Maureen looked at each other and laughed because it had worked, the chatter that had been whirring and buzzing at such a high volume and speed had quieted significantly. Both girls decided that it was safe to head back in.

"She's resting now," the doctor was telling the assembled group when they got there "The bullet ruptured her spleen so we removed it but she should make a full recovery."

"Can we see her?" the group asked in near perfect unison.

"One at a time," the doctor said and most of the group fell back except for Elliot and Simon.

"You should go first," Simon said understandingly.

"Thanks," Elliot said. He turned to the doctor and indicated the baby in his arms "Can I take him to see her too?" he asked.

The doctor thought about it for a moment "I think it would do her some good to see him," he decided and he turned, leading Elliot down the corridor.


	14. Chapter 14: Here With You

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 14: Here With You

A/N: This is going to be my last update for a while. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow and I won't be back until the end of next week. I think I'm almost done with this story but we'll see. I hope you enjoy.

Her eyes were closed when he entered the room. He pulled a chair up by her bedside and sat down, bouncing Zack lightly as he watched Olivia. Her face looked peaceful though he was sure it had to do with the medication being pumped through the IV. His eyes moved from her face to her slowly rising and falling chest. He smiled "Your mom's a fighter," he told Zack in a quiet, reverent tone.

"Yeah," Olivia mumbled as she opened her eyes "I've got the bullet wholes to prove it," she chuckled dryly. She reached for the controls on the side of the bed and raised her head slightly "Hi," she smiled softly at Elliot and Zack. The former smiled back while the latter waved wildly and tried to wriggle onto the bed.

Elliot laughed and, careful of Olivia's wounded side, placed the squirming child in his mother's arms "We were worried about you," he told Olivia.

Olivia's eyes filled with tears as she hugged Zack. There had been moments when she had thought she'd never get to hold her baby boy again. She smiled at Elliot, glad to see that he was okay. She knew that they needed to talk; there were a lot of things that needed to be said but now, she was just happy to be near him. Something about his presence made her feel safe. "Thanks for brining him," she smiled up at Elliot.

"No problem," Elliot said, scooting his chair even closer to the bed and unable to help smiling when Zack looked at him and giggled, bouncing up and down on his mother's stomach.

"Oh," Olivia gasped as Zack slid to one side and his full weight landed on her bandaged wound.

Elliot reached out and grabbed the little boy instantly "You've gotta play nice with Mommy," he told him as he lifted Zack off of Olivia entirely. He turned his attention back to Olivia "Are you okay?" he asked "Should I get a nurse?"

"No," Olivia said with a half smile that attempted but failed to conceal the agony on her face "It's fine."

"Liv," Elliot gently pressed; he knew she was lying.

"It's okay," Olivia repeated and as she said it, the pain really did dissipate.

Elliot bounced Zack in his lap again as he watched Olivia carefully "You're sure?" he asked. His concern was obvious.

"It's fine," she said once more "Elliot, it was just a little bump, it was nothing."

Elliot nodded, deciding that she was really, as she had said several times already, fine "I should probably go," he said, standing up.

"What?" Olivia asked.

"There's a line of people waiting to see you," Elliot explained "I'm just the first and I'm sure the others would like to see for themselves that you're alright so they can go home and get some sleep."

"They can wait," Olivia said, not ready to let Elliot walk away from her "You can stay a few more minutes."

Elliot laughed and sat back down "Okay," he conceded "But if Simon asks, it was your idea."

Olivia laughed "It was my idea," she stated plainly "Besides, why are you worried about what to tell my little bother? Are you afraid he'll kick your ass?" she smirked.

"He might," Elliot shrugged.

Olivia laughed so hard that she gasped in pain again "I'm fine," she said quickly when Elliot leaned forward. She took a few deep breaths and the pain lessened once again "For some reason," she told him, being careful not to burst out laughing again "I find it hard to imagine him kicking anyone's ass, let alone yours."

Elliot smiled. The two of them sat in silence for a few moments as Zack peered around the room at all the different machines and made little burbling sounds of amazement.

Finally, Elliot remembered something "Olivia?" he began quietly.

"Hmm?" she replied.

"Why did you want me to take care of Zack?" he asked.

She became very quiet for a long time and for a moment, Elliot wondered if he shouldn't have asked. "It's complicated," she finally said.

"Try me," Elliot countered her vague statement.

Olivia sighed but answered anyway "You know me," she said as if that was enough of an answer.

"So…?" Elliot pressed gently.

"If I was going to die," she clarified "I wanted him to know who I was. Simon is a good father to Charlie but no matter what, he'll never know me as well as you do. It seems selfish," she laughed a bit "But I don't want Zack to only know the nice things that Simon knows."

Elliot nodded "That doesn't seem selfish," he assured.

Olivia smiled "Thanks," they fell into silence again. It was a long time before Olivia spoke again. She thought about the experience she had had when she was in surgery. She barely believed it herself and she knew that Elliot, while continuing to appear supportive on the outside, would chalk it up to a side affect of the anesthesia. Still, she couldn't get it out of her mind.

In his apartment the night before, Elliot had bared his soul to her. They had kissed, twice and yet she still hadn't told him what she had been thinking since the moment she'd seen him on her doorstep, what she had been thinking when she had knocked Nash to the ground. She'd promised she wouldn't run away but she still hadn't said the words that had been begging to be said. She took a deep breath, clearing her throat "Elliot," she began softly and when she was sure that she had his full attention she continued "I never stopped loving you either."

Elliot smiled, leaned forward and kissed her softly "I was hoping you felt that way," he admitted.

Olivia smiled "Always," she whispered.

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O'Halloran looked at the evidence from Elliot's apartment. There wasn't a lot; there were no fingerprints, at least none belonging to anyone who hadn't already been there. He sifted through everything that had been bagged and came across a bright pink piece of paper. It hadn't seemed important at the time but now that he looked closer at it, he saw writing clearly visible.

He pulled on a pair of gloves and removed the paper from the bag so he could see it better. He read the note and reread it three more times. He stared at the paper in disbelief. The person who had broken into Elliot's apartment hadn't intended to hurt anyone, that was obvious now.

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Downing stood in computer crimes with Chester and Morales. The three men stared at a computer screen. "Amazing," Downing remarked.

"She would never have known what it was," Morales quietly "No one would have suspected unless they knew what to look for."

"This is incredible," Chester said, looking at the screen "The DA's office is going to be very busy."

"We've been looking for evidence on these guys for years," Downing said.

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"I have to go," Kathleen said as her father walked back into the waiting room with Zack over one shoulder "I have an exam today."

"You didn't get any sleep last night," Elliot pointed out the obvious "Can't you take it some other time?"

"I don't think so," Kathleen told him "My professor's a real hard ass about that kind of thing," she gave him a quick hug before walking quickly out of the hospital.

Elliot turned to Simon "Your turn," he smiled.

Simon nodded and turned to his wife "Why don't you take Charlie home?" he suggested, looking at the drowsy boy still slumped across the couch "I'll be there soon," he gave her a quick kiss and turned down the hall.

Lucy gently prodded her son "Come on sweetie," she cooed.

Charlie sat up "Is Aunt Olivia okay?" he asked as Lucy helped him put on his coat.

"She's gonna be just fine sweetheart," Lucy told him comfortingly "Now let's go home and get you into bed."

"Okay," Charlie mumbled, standing up and stumbling forward sleepily right into Elliot's legs "Sorry," he murmured as his mother picked him up.

"No problem," Elliot smiled at the boy as he and his mother left. He walked over to where Maureen and the rest of the kids were sitting. He handed Zack to Maureen "You should probably get these guys home," he said, looking down at Rose who looked very unhappy with the noisy hospital and it's bright lights.

"Okay Dad," Maureen said "But what about you?"

"I'm gonna stay here a little while longer," Elliot confessed. Tired though he was, he didn't want to leave just yet.

"Okay," Maureen yawned and Dickie grabbed the keys from his no longer alert sister.

"I'll drive," he said firmly. They didn't need anymore near misses today. The group left the waiting room chatting with one another about who was the better driver.

Elliot sat down and looked around the waiting room. Munch, Fin, Cragen and Casey were still there. "Shouldn't you be getting to work?" he spoke directly to Munch, Fin and Casey.

"Shouldn't you," Munch countered.

"Personal day," Elliot shrugged nonchalantly.

"Uh-huh," Casey said slowly "You think Downing will by that?"

"He's gonna have to," Elliot made himself more comfortable in his chair "But he won't believe it from all of us, so you two," he pointed at Munch and Fin "Should really get going."

"Alright," Munch said grumpily, standing up "But I'm officially going on record that I'm not happy about this shabby treatment."

Fin smacked his partner on the arm "Let's go," he smirked. He turned back to Elliot "We'll probably be back this afternoon."

"Okay," Elliot said "See you then."

"Let's go cover his desk with trash," Munch grumbled.

"Grow up," Fin told him as they walked out of the hospital "Besides, the damn thing's already buried in files. Give him a break."

"What about you?" Elliot asked Casey.

"It's Sunday," she shrugged "I have nothing better to do." She sat down in the seat next to him "At least until those two get Fisher to either talk or lawyer up."

"Fisher?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah," Casey nodded "They've got him at the precinct. When the SWAT team got to his office, he gave himself up without a fight."

"Coward," Elliot muttered bitterly. Part of him had been hoping that Fisher had done something stupid enough to get himself shot it the head, God knew the bastard deserved it.

Simon reappeared "She's exhausted," he told Elliot, Casey and Cragen "The doctor thinks that she should get some rest before she has anymore visitors."

All three shrugged and stood up. Elliot decided he should grab something to eat while Olivia got some sleep. He noticed Simon tugging his coat on and walked over to the other man "You need a ride?" he asked.

"Sure," Simon said and the two men walked out to Elliot's car. Neither one of them noticed the man lurking in the shadows, watching them.

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Elliot returned to the hospital within only a few minutes to find Olivia's doctor in the waiting room looking for him. Elliot was instantly on edge "What's wrong?" he asked desperately.

"Nothing," the doctor assured "She woke up and was a little disoriented. She's been asking for you."

He led Elliot down the hall to Olivia's room. She was in bed, crying. Elliot walked over and gently wrapped his arms around her "Hi," he said softly, smiling as he kissed the crown of her head.

Olivia clung to him and smiled through her tears "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No, no," Elliot soothed "Don't be," he told her even though he wasn't sure what she was apologizing for.

Olivia wiped her eyes with the back of her hand "Bad dream," she said as way of explanation.

Elliot pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed, holding her hand "Don't worry," he told her "I'm here."


	15. Chapter 15: Thanksgiving

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 15: Thanksgiving

A/N: Well, I'm back from vacation and what should I find in my inbox but a PM from someone I used to think was my friend accusing me of giving their AIM screen name out to people and trash talking them all over the place. I'm hurt and outraged about that because I would never violate someone's privacy like that. I was all in a good mood too and this PM pretty much ruined it. I'm not sure when I can update again after this because I think I've had it with the internet for a while. Love to all you loyal readers who haven't been out to hurt me.

After a week in the hospital, Olivia was being released. Elliot showed up at the hospital with Zack and Rose "Ready to go?" he asked.

She looked at him like he was from Mars "Do you even have to ask? I've been ready to leave this place since the moment I woke up."

Elliot laughed "Good to hear," he smiled "Are you alright to carry him?" he asked as Olivia took Zack out of his arms.

"Perfectly fine," she assured him "He's not heavy lifting you know," she looked at her son "No your not," she grinned before turning back to Elliot "Besides, I think someone else could really use your attention right now."

Elliot looked down at his feet where Rose was standing. She looked very tired "Daddy, up?" she asked.

"Sure thing Angel," he bent and scooped her up in his arms "You tired?" he asked, kissing her forehead.

"Sweepy," Rose covered her eyes with her hands "Too bwight, too woud."

"Poor thing," Olivia observed "This place is just too much for someone her age. You couldn't have gotten one of the kids to watch her?"

"Kathleen had a late class," he shrugged "Lizzie and Dickie had a party to go to and Maureen had a date. Believe me, I tried to find someone," they reached the car and he unlocked the doors. He and Olivia strapped Zack and Rose into their respective car seats before getting in the front and driving off.

It was quiet in the car for a few minutes; Zack and Rose had both drifted off practically at the same moment the engine had started. Finally, Elliot spoke. He cleared his throat "Thanksgiving is coming up this week," he began.

"Oh," Olivia exclaimed "I completely forgot," she laughed "I'm gonna make a great parent, not being able to remember when the major holidays are."

Elliot chuckled and placed a hand on her knee "Don't sweat it, that's what I'm here for."

She smirked "Good to know."

"Anyway," Elliot continued "Simon invited me and the kids to his place."

Olivia smiled "That's great."

"I just wanted to make sure it was okay with you before I said yes," Elliot finished.

Olivia smiled lovingly at him "Of course it is," she patted his leg reassuringly "As long as Simon can handle all of us. Last year it was crowded with just his family, me and Dean," her gaze dropped briefly at the mention of his name but she pushed the sadness back.

"You okay?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah," she said softly, managing a smile.

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"Tankgiving! Tanksgiving!" Olivia opened her eyes to see Rose excitedly jumping on the bed "Wake up Livvie! Tanksgiving!"

Olivia sat up and pulled the little girl into a hug, tickling her "Good morning Rosy," she kissed the little girl.

"Morning!" Rose squealed in delight before jumping off the bed and running through the apartment, her cry of 'Tanksgiving!' echoing through the hall.

Olivia stood up and walked to the crib. She reached down and rubbed her son's back gently; he had rolled over onto his stomach some time during the night "Time to get up Zacky," she lifted him into her arms "We're gonna go see Cousin Charlie today."

She rummaged through the bag on the floor and pulled out clothes for Zack and got him dressed. She pulled on her own clothes and them picked him up and walked out to the living room.

Elliot had just pulled himself into a sitting position on the couch; though Olivia had unofficially moved in with Elliot and his family, they weren't sharing a bed yet. Olivia came and sat down beside him "Good morning," she smiled warmly, leaning in and giving a quick kiss.

"Did you sleep okay?" Elliot asked, kissing her back.

Olivia nodded but didn't say anything. Since she'd gotten out of the hospital, she'd been having nightmares. She'd had them last night as well but she didn't want to trouble Elliot with them today. It was Thanksgiving and in spite of what she had lost, she had a lot to be thankful for.

Zack reached out to Elliot and practically tumbled out of Olivia's arms "Whoa," Elliot caught the little boy "You are an adventurous one," he observed.

"That's gonna be a problem when he starts walking," Olivia said with a small smile.

"Baby!" Rose had appeared and clambered up between Olivia and Elliot. She put her tiny hand on Zack's shoulder and leaned in, giving him a kiss on his forehead "Morning Zacky," she said warmly "Tanksgiving day."

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"Happy Thanksgiving," Simon greeted them all at the door. He wrapped Olivia in a tight hug "How're you feeling?" he asked quietly.

"Better," Olivia answered honestly, turning to Lucy "How are you doing?"

Lucy grinned. She had only told Olivia her big news so far. She waited until Simon was out of earshot before whispering "We're doing fantastic."

"When are you gonna tell him?" Olivia asked conspiratorially.

"After dinner," Lucy smiled widely.

"He's gonna be so happy," Olivia saw Elliot coming and dropped the subject. She turned to Elliot "Are the kids oaky?"

He nodded "Charlie's following Dickie around like he's mini me and Zack and Rose are in the playpen."

"Where are the girls?" Olivia enquired.

"They're in the kitchen," Elliot answered.

Lucy smiled "I could use the help," she turned and retreated to the kitchen.

Olivia walked with Elliot into the living room where Simon sat watching Rose and Zack. She sat down beside her brother and Elliot sat down beside her on the couch.

"He's getting so big," Simon observed of Zack.

Olivia nodded and was about to respond when the silence was broken by the shrill ringing of Elliot's cell phone. He gave Simon an apologetic look before answering "Stabler," after a brief conversation he flipped the phone closed and stood up "I'm sorry," his shoulders fell "Warner needs to see me at the morgue," he bent down and kissed Olivia "I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise."

Olivia kissed him back with a longing sigh "Do you have to?" she asked pleadingly "It's Thanksgiving."

"She said it was urgent," Elliot replied regretfully, bending over the play pen and giving both Zack and Rose each a kiss goodbye.

"Tanksgiving Daddy," Rose pouted, clinging to his arm.

"I know sweetie," he said sadly "I'll be back before you know it." He stood up and went to say goodbye to the rest of his children.

"Wonder what's up," Simon mused.

"A detective's work is never done," Olivia replied, allowing her eyes to drift closed for only the briefest of moments "I hope what ever it is won't take long," but Olivia knew better. If it was urgent, it was more than likely to keep Elliot away for the rest of the day and possibly long into the night. Little did any of them know that Elliot's absence was exactly what someone was waiting for.

A/N: I know this is a really bad place to leave it when I said that I can't update for a while because I'm upset about this PM thing but just chalk it up to the anger in my blood. Love ya all, please don't hate me for this.


	16. Chapter 16: Unbending Cruelty

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 16: Unbending Cruelty

A/N: I'm back. I dealt with my issues and I wrote the next chapter in this story. I'm not completely over what happened, I don't get over things easily anyway, but I'll try not to let it affect my life too much.

A/N2: This chapter has some parts that involve violence against children. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk.

Elliot walked into the morgue, trying to remind herself not to be angry with Melinda "What's so important?" he asked in a less than enthusiastic tone.

"Hey," Melinda held up her hands in defense "You aren't the only one who has family waiting for them you know."

"Sorry," Elliot mumbled.

"Anyway," Melinda continued "Remember the DNA from the B&E at Olivia's house in New Jersey?"

Elliot nodded "Yeah, it was Nash wasn't it?"

"I took DNA from his body for comparison and I also compared the sample," Melinda told him "It wasn't a match."

Realization hit Elliot. Nash's right hand hadn't been cut at all. In fact, none of the men he had seen that night had had a wound in their right hand. Someone was still out there who was after Olivia. "Thanks for the heads up," he told Melinda.

"No problem," she shrugged.

Elliot was about to say something else when his phone rang. "Stabler," he answered.

"How's your thanksgiving?" a dark voice asked.

"Who is this?" Elliot demanded.

"You should get back to Simon's house detective. I think your little ones are missing you about now," the man said. In the background, Elliot could hear the sounds of muffled screaming.

"What did you do you bastard?" Elliot hissed.

Dark, evil laughter came across the phone line "Tick tock Elliot," there was a click and the line went dead.

"I have to go," Elliot said, not even turning to look at Melinda as he ran out of the morgue.

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The man shoved Olivia head first into the back seat of his car. Her hands and legs were bound and she was trying to scream through a wadded up piece of paper towel. He smiled at her and tossed the bratty baby boy and the little girl he had found in the playpen in after her. He slammed the door and went around to the driver's side. He got in and started the car.

After a few blocks, Olivia managed to spit the gag out "Why are you doing this?" she half sobbed, the image of her brother lying unconscious on the floor and bleeding from the left side of his head, still fresh in her mind. He'd only been trying to protect her, protect all of them.

The man laughed "I have my reasons," he answered.

"Why them?" she asked, looking over at her son and Rose who cried loudly.

"Kids make good hostages," he replied coolly "They're portable and cute. Good bargaining chips."

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Elliot burst through the door of Simon's house, followed by Munch, Fin and half a dozen New Jersey cops. The hall was empty but as they moved through the house, it became clear what had happened. In the kitchen, Lucy lay on the floor, bleeding from one side.

Elliot bent down beside her "She's still alive!" he yelled "Get the EMTS!" he leaned in close "Lucy?" he asked. She moaned and he continued "Lucy, what happened?" she began crying as two paramedics took her and loaded her on a stretcher.

Elliot moved into the living room. There was a lot of blood. He spotted Simon on the floor, flailing around, trying to pull himself up. Elliot bent down beside him "Simon," he whispered, putting a hand on the other man's shoulder.

"Lucy, Olivia," Simon moaned "Where are they? What did he do to them?"

"Lucy's fine," Elliot reassured him "The paramedics are taking care of her. Who did this?"

"I don't know who he was," Simon murmured as medics loaded him onto a stretcher "He broke in. There was a scream in the kitchen and then silence. He came into the living room. He had a gun..." Simon trailed off, finding it hard to remain conscious.

"What happened, Simon?" Elliot asked desperately "Where are the kids? Where's Olivia?"

"Oh God," Simon murmured as the paramedics started to carry him out of the house.

"Simon-" Elliot tried to follow the stretcher but one of the paramedics stopped him.

"I'm sorry sir but you have to back off so we can work on him."

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"Please," Olivia was begging her captor now "They're just babies. You have me, please just let them go."

The man had pulled up in front of a cabin and had picked Zack and Rose out of the car. He carried them inside as they screamed. The sound of their crying, more than anything else, tore Olivia's heart into pieces. The man returned to retrieve Olivia and smiled down at her "I'm afraid that isn't going to happen. Once I've gotten what I want, I'll just throw them in the river and let nature take it's course."

"No," Olivia whispered as he brought her inside and threw her down beside the children. "Please," she begged again "At least untie me."

The man snorted "So you can escape?" he asked, kicking Zack as if he were a football. The baby hit the wall and dropped to the floor, crying even louder now.

"Please," Olivia was crying now too; she'd tried so hard to remain strong for the kids but this was all just too much "I won't run, just please let me hold them."

"Why would I do that?" he asked, sneering as he picked up Rose. He held the little girl high in the air above Olivia's head "Do you know the most wonderful thing about little bones?" he asked.

Olivia's wet eyes grew wide with terror "No!" she screamed "Please don't!"

"They break so easily," he snapped Rose's left forearm in two and dropped her in Olivia's lap.

Olivia looked down at the little girl. Big blue eyes, eyes she knew all too well, pleaded with her for help but Olivia was powerless even to provide the child with even the smallest amount of comfort. "I'm so sorry," she whispered through her tears. She looked up at the man "Why?" she pleaded "Why did you do that? She's just a child. She's not even two years old yet."

He knelt down in front of her and smiled wickedly "Her pain is your pain Olivia. I'm going to make you watch me torture these poor defenseless beings until you beg me to be able to take their places then-"

"I'll take their place now," she said quickly "Just don't hurt them again, please."

He laughed again "You didn't let me finish. After you beg me, I'll just keep torturing them until either they or you are dead." He reached out and plucked Rose from Olivia's lap.

"Please," Olivia nearly sobbed "Please, don't do this."

The man bent down, holding Rose's small hand against the floor of the cabin. He reached for a nearby toolbox and pulled out a hammer.

"Please," Olivia begged "I swear, I'll do anything you want, just please…" it was too late. With one blow of the hammer, the man had shattered every bone in Rose's tiny hand. The child shrieked and he threw her against the wall.

He knelt in front of Olivia again "You see, I own them and I own you," he stood up and walked towards where Zack lay.

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The cops had found Charlie and Elliot's children, with the exception of Rose, bound and gagged in the basement. They'd all been taken to the hospital to get checked out.

Elliot sat in the waiting room with Maureen, Kathleen and Dickie who had all been medically cleared; they waited for news on Lizzie, Simon, Lucy and Charlie. None of the kids had been able to say anything about what had happened in the house.

A doctor appeared and approached Elliot "I've just come to inform you that Elizabeth is fine. I tried to get her to come out here and wait with the rest of you but she insisted on staying with the Marsden child since both his parents are still in surgery."

"Was Charlie hurt badly?" Elliot asked.

"The assailant broke his leg, his arm and a few other bones," the doctor explained.

"Can I speak with him?" Elliot asked.

The doctor paused and scratched his head "Alright," he said finally "Follow me."

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"Hi there guys," Elliot said as he entered the room.

Elizabeth looked up from a book that she had found and had been reading to Charlie while he had his arm set in a cast "Daddy!" she exclaimed, hopping up and hugging him tight.

Elliot hugged her tighter and rubbed her back "It's okay honey," he whispered as she started shaking in his embrace "You're safe now."

Elizabeth finally pulled away and sat down again, her stare directed at the pages of the book which she placed in her lap.

"How're you feeling Charlie?" Elliot asked, pulling a chair up beside the little boy.

"I hurt a lot," he said softly then held up his arm "I got a cool cast, wanna sign it?"

Elliot smiled softly "Sure buddy."

Charlie became serious again "Are my Mom and Dad okay?" he asked.

"I don't know anything yet," Elliot said honestly "But I'll tell you what, when we're done talking I'll see if I can find out okay?"

Charlie nodded "Okay."

"Charlie," Elliot began "What happened today?"

Charlie's face fell "A bad man came. He hurt my mom and hit Mau, Kathleen, Dickie and Lizzie on the head. They all fell down. Dad and Aunt Olivia tried to stop him but he had a gun. He grabbed Aunt Olivia and tried to hurt her but Dad punched him. He knocked Dad down and then shot at him. He tried to tie Aunt Olivia up but I grabbed his legs. That's when he hurt me. Aunt Olivia cried and told him not to but he did anyway. It got dark and then I came here."

Elliot nodded "Charlie, did you see what happened to Zack and Rose," Elliot was almost sure that the man had taken them with him as well as Olivia but he wanted to be certain.

"Before it got dark," Charlie began slowly "I saw him go over to Zack and Rosy. Aunt Olivia screamed at him to stay away from them but he hit her then it got dark." Charlie's eyes were full of tears "Are my Mom and Dad gonna be okay?"

"I'll go find out right now," Elliot said, standing up and giving Charlie a pat on the head "You were a brave boy Charlie," he smiled faintly at Elizabeth before he left the room "I'll be back later, okay sweetie."

Elizabeth nodded and went back to reading the book to Charlie.

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"Leave him alone!" Olivia was sobbing now as she watched her captor place her son's tiny body on a table "I promise I won't run away. Please stop this."

The man left the baby on the table and went back over to where Olivia was. He knelt down and laughed right in her face "You don't like being powerless, do you Olivia?"

"Who are you?" she asked in a whisper. She felt like she could almost place the face.

"Just an old friend," he smirked "Nash promised you would be mine as long as he got what he wanted." He laughed again and stood up, walking back over to where Zack was. He withdrew a cigarette from his jacket pocket and lit it.

"No," Olivia couldn't find the energy to scream anymore "Please, please don't do this."

"What's the matter Olivia?" the man asked with a gleam in his eye "Too many bad memories of your mother's drunken rampages?" he grabbed hold of one of Zack's bare legs and drove the tip of the lit cigarette against the soft flesh.

The baby screamed and Olivia felt her heart being obliterated. She would much rather have this man beat her, rape her, torture her, not her son or Elliot's little girl. She would die for them but that was the one thing this man would not allow her to do. She began to silently pray, harder than she had ever prayed in her life as the continuing screams of her infant son filled her ears.

A/N: I'll try to update again soon. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far and hasn't killed me yet. Keep those comments coming, they really help me, more than you guys will ever know.


	17. Chapter 17: Blast from the Past

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 17: Blast from the Past

A/N: Hey look, two chapters in one night. I have to make something clear. Writing that last chapter damned near killed me. I don't like writing anything about child abuse let alone thinking about it.

WARNING: Once again, some violence against children mentioned but I promise it's coming to an end. Trust me please?

"I'm begging you," Olivia cried, using the last of her energy to throw her bound body between the man and where the children lay against the wall "Please don't do this. I'll give you anything you want. I'll do whatever you want me to, just," she choked on her tears "Please, you can't do this. They're just babies."

He laughed again. She hated that laugh. She felt so helpless. If only he would hit her, break her bones, burn her with cigarettes, she would be able to get through it knowing that he wasn't hurting the children.

"You really don't remember me do you Detective?" he sneered.

"What?" she murmured. He had called her 'detective'. He knew she was with the FBI now. He was trying to give her a clue to where she should remember him from, she was sure. As she continued to shield the children from him and he stood there watching her, she went through every perp that she had ever arrested in her mind. She came up empty.

The look on her face betrayed her to her captor "I'm hurt that you can't remember me," he said, sitting down in front of her and laying a hand on her breast squeezing hard until she gasped "I'm not surprised though," he continued "It's been three years and I've had a lot of work done since then. All necessary stuff I assure you. You see, a sniper shot half of my face off."

Olivia involuntarily pulled away "But… how…?" if what he was saying was true, she, her son and Elliot's daughter were at the mercy of one of the most cruel, vindictive bastards she had ever come across. He was a man with no soul and no remorse. If he had had his way, she and Elliot would have been dead three years ago.

He leaned forward and traced a scar on her neck with his finger "Three years and it's still there," he said in a tone that denoted something close to awe.

"You couldn't be," she whispered.

"Oh, but I am Olivia," Victor Gitano smirked down at her, pushing her to the side effortlessly and grabbing hold of Rose again.

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"There were fingerprints all over Simon's house," Munch informed Elliot. He sat down in the chair next to him in the waiting room "We're gonna find them you know."

"Lucy was pregnant," Elliot whispered, staring straight ahead "She lost the baby and Simon has a long recovery ahead of him," he turned to Munch "This guy took Olivia and the two most defenseless children. He knows that she won't do anything as long as he has them," tears sprung to his already moist eyes "I'm gonna find him and when I do, I'll rip his fucking throat out."

Munch handed him a file folder "This is the fingerprint match they got. Does the name look familiar to you?"

Elliot took the folder and opened it, staring at the name. He read it and reread it at least four times "This is impossible. He died… I saw him die… I mean… no one could have survived that… could they?"

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"The trucking company that Victor was working for three years ago was involved in several illegal activities," Wilma Montrose said, looking through her files "We approached his doctors at the hospital and had them declare him dead. We took him into witness protection in exchange for his testimony."

"And how's that going for you?" Munch asked sarcastically.

"The US attorney's office is still building our case against the trucking company," Montrose replied, pushing her wire rimmed glasses up on her nose.

"And while you're building your case," Elliot couldn't control his anger "A convicted child molester and all around sadist is out there. He's assaulted at least seven people and kidnapped another three. Two of those people aren't even two years old yet. Thanks to you…" he trailed off and collapsed into a nearby chair, his brain couldn't even handle the thought of what could be happening to Rose or Zack or Olivia at that very moment.

Munch took over the conversation "You have to tell us where he is."

"I'm afraid that's impossible," Montrose replied coolly "We need his testimony. I can't give you his whereabouts."

"Listen to me!" Elliot lunged forward and if Munch hadn't reacted so quickly, he would have grabbed the woman by her throat "Your witness has the woman I love, her son and my youngest daughter and God knows what he's doing to them. You're protecting a vicious, soulless, sadist! Tell me where he is right now or I swear I will blow your whole case straight to hell!"

"You wouldn't dare," Montrose almost snarled.

Munch dropped Elliot back into his chair "You've never been in love Ma'am have you?" he asked with a small smile "You don't look like the type. You don't know what lengths some people will do for their loved ones and trust me, if my friend wants to ruin the US attorney's case against this trucking company, I'll be more than willing to help him."

Montrose reached into a file and handed over a sheet of paper "Just try not to kill him," she shrugged "We need his testimony."

Elliot snatched the paper from her "Well, you're just going to have to find a way to make your case without it," he said in a low, dangerous tone.

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Gitano had dropped Rose again after breaking both of her legs. The little girl had long since stopped crying and Olivia wished more than anything that he would just leave the children alone.

"Please," she pleaded one last time as he grabbed Zack by his foot and dangled him in the air "You don't have to do this."

"Oh," Gitano withdrew a knife from his pocket "But, I do," he grinned devilishly at Olivia.

"No," she begged "Why, why, what did my son ever do to you?"

Gitano put Zack down and looked at Olivia "My victims never had to do anything to me to earn my wrath," he replied "But you knew that," he set the knife down. His full attention was on Olivia now, which believe it or not, was the best thing that had happened to Olivia since she had entered this hell "But if you must rationalize it," he continued "I'm punishing him for the sins of his mother."

"I'm not the one who shot you," Olivia said, managing to regain some of her old professionalism.

"You're still the reason that it happened," he hissed "You and your partner."

"You would have killed him," Olivia felt new tears coming to her eyes now, tears provoked by a memory and not what was happening in front of her.

Gitano smiled. The memory obviously brought him more pleasure than it did for Olivia. "I had the both of you at a literal stand still," he mused "Do you know what it's like to know that you actually have your hands around the souls of two people?" he asked "To know that you're just twisting and turning the fiber of their very beings between your fingers, pulling them apart," he smiled "It's the ultimate power trip." He would have elaborated but there was noise from outside. He reached for both of the children to shield himself but Olivia stopped him.

"Please, me, use me?" she tried her best not to cry. Though Gitano hadn't noticed already, she had distinguished several familiar voices out there, including Elliot's.

Gitano, not having time to argue with her or listen to her beg, pulled her to her feet and cut the ropes that bound her before forcing a gun to her temple "I guess it's the reverse this time," he whispered in her ear before yelling to the approaching police "I have hostages! If you come in here, I'll kill them!"

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"Let me talk to him," Elliot begged the leader of the SWAT team.

"Somehow, I don't think that's a good idea," the leader said.

"Please," Elliot nearly begged "He's got kids in there," he tried to reason "I know this guy."

"How?" the leader asked in curiosity as he watched Elliot walk up to the cabin door.

"A little over three years ago, he tried to kill me and my partner," Elliot said before walking the rest of the way to the cabin.

"FYI," Munch, who stood on the other side of the team leader "His old partner's the adult hostage."

Elliot knocked on the door of the cabin "Gitano it's Detective Stabler, remember me?"

"Damn right I remember you," Gitano called back.

"Can we talk?" Elliot asked.

He heard muffled voices from inside. The voices grew louder "Please just let him-" Olivia's voice was cut off by a slap that was clearly heard by not just Elliot but the men standing behind him as well. The slap was followed by a small whimper that Elliot just barely heard.

"Okay," Gitano called, the hint of a smile in his voice "You can come in but just you or they all die."

"Okay," Elliot pushed open the door slowly, his hands in the air "I'm coming in-" he fell silent when he saw the sight in front of him. Rose lay in a misshapen heap against the wall beside Zack who, it was obvious, had endured his share of abuse. Gitano and Olivia stood in the center of the room. He was holding a gun to her head. Elliot had a brief flash of memory. "Long time no see Victor," he breathed, trying not to vomit.

"Glad you could join the reunion Elliot," Gitano smirked "Hope you don't mind but since you were running a little late, Olivia has volunteered to play the roll of my hostage this time," he laughed.

"Elliot," Olivia spoke evenly "Grab the kids and get out of here. Get them to a hospital."

"I'm not gonna leave you here with him," Elliot told her firmly.

"Loyal to the end," Gitano said, bringing his lips to the back of Olivia's neck "No offense Elliot but she is a much more attractive hostage than you were."

"I might find that funny if you didn't have a gun pointed at my head," Olivia quipped, cringing when he kissed her.

"You should be flattered," Gitano said indignantly.

"And surprisingly, I'm not," she turned to face Elliot again "El, grab the kids and run. Get them out of here."

Gitano, seeing his ultimate power trip slipping away from him, decided to make a small concession "Come get the kids," he said to Elliot "Take them out to the others and then come back. You have five minutes," he kissed the back of Olivia's neck again "I hope you don't miss my deadline. I'm starting to enjoy this."

Elliot suppressed a few angry words as he stepped forward and lifted Rose first and then Zack into his arms. He walked to the door of the cabin, turning briefly for one last glance in Olivia's direction "I'll be right back," he said and she heard so much more in those words than anyone else would have.

He walked to where the others stood, handing Rose to Munch and Zack to Fin "Make sure they get to the hospital," he said before turning around. The team leader tried to force a bullet proof vest into his hands but Elliot pushed it away "That's not gonna do me any good," he said simply. The truth was that if Olivia died, he would rather be dead himself.

"Christ," Munch muttered, looking at the little girl in his arms "If I wasn't so sure that Elliot was gonna destroy the bastard I would have asked that he leave some of him for us to kill."

"You're friend's an idiot," the team leader muttered.

Munch and Fin ignored him, taking the children down the hill to where ambulances were already waiting.

Meanwhile, Elliot had returned to the cabin. He knocked first and announced himself "Gitano it's me," he pushed open the door.

"Aw, I thought we were on a first name basis Elliot," Gitano snickered.

"Fine then," Elliot gritted his teeth "What do you want Victor?"

"Just to relive the good old days," Gitano replied "Or relive how the good old deys could have gone. Did either of you ever think of how it really was the luck of the draw back then? If you had gone in the other direction Elliot, it would have been Olivia who I used against you instead of the other way around."

"He's just trying to get inside your head," Olivia warned, hoping that Elliot had a gun on him someplace and that he had more courage than she had had back than.

But her actions back then had been guided by love, a fact which she still refused to realize and Elliot's actions were being guided by the same thing now. And there was no way that he would ever take that shot.

A/N: Okay, so I knew I had to write this chapter and get the children out of harms way or I'd have nightmares. Our villain has been revealed and a classic standoff has begun once again. How will it end this time?


	18. Chapter 18: Slipped Away

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 18: Slipped Away

A/N: Remember way back when, when I said I was almost done with this story? I don't know where I stand with that anymore. I'm gonna try to finish this story before the new season starts. I may or may not accomplish that but even if I don't meet my deadline, I promise I will finish. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

"Elliot, get out of here now," Olivia said evenly. Her fate was not important. A head shot would be quick, painless, she'd be dead before Gitano decided to let go of her lifeless corpse.

"He won't leave," Gitano whispered in her ear "He doesn't want you to die anymore than you wanted him to die three years ago. He'll try everything he can to talk me down but it won't work," he chuckled.

"Elliot, leave, NOW!" Olivia commanded as the knot in the pit of her stomach tightened even further.

Elliot looked deep into her eyes with a meaningful gaze that didn't need to be accompanied by words though he spoke them just the same "No way in hell Olivia." He turned his gaze to Gitano "You know there's no way out of this for you, right? It'll end just like it did last time."

"You mean that after eight months of painful recovery, I'll start stalking you two until my moment and we'll be right back where we started?" Gitano asked.

"Not exactly," Elliot responded calmly "This time, I'll make sure you're dead."

"Hmm…" Gitano seemed to consider this for a moment. Of course Elliot would want him to pay for what he had done and after all of this time, the justice system would no longer suit his need for blood. If there was one thing Victor Gitano did not want to do again it was get shot. He looked past Elliot and through the window beside the front door of the cabin. The entire SWAT team hadn't moved closer since Elliot had first entered. Gitano smirked, they were fools. "I suppose you want me to let her go," he said, stalling for time.

"That'd be a gesture of good faith," Elliot shrugged, his hand creeping towards where he had concealed his holster beneath his jacket. The second he let Olivia go, Elliot was gonna turn him into a piece of Swiss cheese.

"Yeah," Gitano smirked, inching his way towards the back door of the cabin "But I don't have faith that you won't kill me once Olivia's not in the line of fire." Before Elliot could respond, Gitano had shoved Olivia hard towards him. "Here, take her," he snapped.

Olivia lost her balance and Elliot sprang forward to catch her. "Are you okay?" he asked quickly.

She nodded, turning around to stare at the back door of the cabin, it was wide open. There was a ten foot stretch of grass between the cabin and the river. Olivia cursed herself. Once more, Gitano had used her as a distraction so that he could escape, except this time he knew what he was doing. As they stared at the river, Olivia spotted something "Elliot," she pointed to the arm above the water and they both watched as it disappeared and the other arm surfaced.

Elliot, who had no other way of signaling the SWAT team, turned briefly and yelled at the top of his lungs "He's running! I'm going after him!" he ran out the door and was at the edge of the river. He ripped his shirt off and dove in, trying to catch up to that son of a bitch.

Olivia ran after him, lifting his shirt from the ground and holding it clenched in her fists. She hoped he knew what he was doing. The SWAT team members came one by one to stand with her.

"That man is nuts," the team leader murmured from just behind and to the left of Olivia.

Olivia wasn't listening. She was focused on the river. She could still see an arm breaking the surface every minute or so. Then, about fifty yards downstream, they both resurfaced. Olivia ran along the river bed to see if she could help.

"You son of a bitch," Elliot hissed as he tried to force Gitano's head under water and hold him there.

Gitano sunk his teeth into Elliot's hand and managed to resurface. He punched Elliot square in the face "Don't be such a sour loser Elliot," he chuckled "You've got the girl, for now," he delivered two hard kicks to Elliot's abdomen before swimming away again.

"Elliot!" Olivia cried from on shore, she began to kick her shoes off with the intention of going in after him.

Elliot floundered for a few seconds before he managed to right himself. His nose was gushing blood and he was almost positive that Gitano had fractured, if not broken, more than one of his ribs. Still, he could swim. "I'm okay," he called as he began, slowly, to swim for shore.

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and sobbed when he stood dripping wet before her "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

He ran his hand through her hair "I'm fine," he assured her "Don't worry."

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The hospital had been able to arrange it so that Zack and Rose shared a room. Both children were silent as mice. Olivia was standing over Zack's crib when Elliot walked in. She was whispering to him. He walked up behind her and encircled her waist with his strong arms, letting his head rest on her shoulder. She jumped at first but soon relaxed into his embrace.

"How's he doing?" he asked gently.

Olivia sniffled "The doctor said he'll be fine but he's gonna have to stay here for a week at least. I've been talking to him," she hung her head "I think he's angry at me."

Elliot suppressed a chuckle "He's five months old Liv. You're his mother there for you're his world. He's been through a lot."

"He knows I let him down," she whispered.

He turned her to face him "You didn't let anyone down Olivia," he said firmly.

"Gitano got away," she whispered.

"Yeah," Elliot shrugged "But we'll find him again. He'll never get within a mile of Zack or Rose or any of our children again."

Olivia looked up "'Our'?"

"Hmm…?" Elliot questioned.

"You said 'our children'," Olivia explained as she leaned closer to him "I just thought it was… nice."

Elliot cupped her cheek in his hand "Well," he began to explain "We're a family, not exactly the a conventional family but…"

Olivia put her finger to his lips "Shhh, don't spoil the moment by over analyzing it," she warned in a tone that would have been almost playful if she weren't so despondent.

"Okay," Elliot smiled, when he noticed the look on her face "What's wrong?"

"You have to ask?" she shot back, pulling away and sitting in a chair beside Zack's crib "I walked away from that whole mess with not so much as a scratch!" she shouted but when Zack started to fuss, she put her tone in check "It isn't fair that this happened to them."

Elliot took a seat beside her, being careful that the bandages that held his cracked ribs in place didn't slip. He put an arm around her shoulder "You can't let him do this to you Olivia," he said simply.

She turned to him, a mixture of shock and sadness on her face "How could even he be that cruel?" she whispered "I've seen a lot of things but…" she trailed off.

Elliot brushed a piece of hair behind her ear "No one should have to deal with this," he agreed "But the kids are safe now and I promise you, he will never ever hurt them again."

Olivia stood up suddenly "I need some water," she said before rushing out of the room.

Elliot was about to run after her when a soft voice from the other bed in the room piped up "Dada…?"

He stood up and walked over to Rose "Hi baby. How are you feeling?"

"Hurts," she replied sleepily "Where Livvie…?"

"She'll be right back honey," he said, stroking his daughter's hair.

"She sad," Rose observed.

Elliot nodded "Yes she is honey," he agreed.

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Olivia punched the vending machine with such force that she dented it.

"Whoa," Munch came up beside her "What did the good people at Pepsi ever do to you?"

"Nothing," Olivia sighed, her shoulders slumping as she walked away from the machine. She hadn't even put any money in the damn thing; she just wanted to hit something.

"Wanna talk about it?" Munch asked as he followed her to the row of chairs across from the bank of vending machines and sat down.

"Not particularly," she grumbled into her hands.

Munch laid a hand tentatively on her shoulder "I promise you that Fin and I are gonna kill this guy for what he did to you guys."

Olivia looked up "That's the point!" she said angrily "He didn't do anything to me! And because of me, he's still out there!"

Munch jumped involuntarily at her sudden outburst.

"Sorry," she said softly, turning away. She stood up and walked back to the hospital room.

Munch watched her leave with concern. He got up and went to go find his partner.

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"Livvie," Rose smiled and waved her one good arm at Olivia when she reentered the room.

"Hi honey," Olivia came over to her. She looked over at Elliot "How's she doing?" she asked.

"She's fine," Elliot smiled "She wanted to know where you were," he paused "I thought you were going to get some water?"

Olivia looked down at her empty hands "Well," she started "I got… sidetracked."

"Okay," Elliot said, not believing her.

Olivia bent over Rose's bed "How are you sweetie?"

Rose smiled and Olivia instantly felt warm all over "I good," she said. She reached up with her good hand and touched Olivia's face "No be sad okay?"

Olivia managed to smile for the first time since all of this had started as tears filled her eyes "I'll try baby, I'll try." She stood up and Elliot pulled her into a tight hug "I'm so sorry," she said as she tried to suppress a sob.

"You didn't do anything," he told her firmly, running his hand through her hair "None of this was your fault and you know it." She buried her face in his chest and clung to him tightly, not saying another word. Just at that moment, Zack started to cry. The two separated and Elliot crossed the room to the crib "What's wrong buddy?" he asked.

Zack continued to cry, even when Elliot picked him up and held him. Olivia slowly made her way over to them and took her son from Elliot's arms "Hi," she forced a small smile at the baby as more tears fell. She turned to Elliot "It's his hungry cry. Could you go ask the nurse for some formula?" Elliot nodded and started to walk out of the room. He turned back to see Olivia rocking Zack gently in her arms "It's okay baby boy, Mama's here. Don't cry. It's all gonna be okay," she started humming softly.

Elliot left the room. It was all going to be okay. He would make sure of that. He promised himself he would never let anything happen to any of them.

A/N: I feel I must explain myself. I toyed with many ideas in my head of how the standoff would end and somehow I came up with this little gem of an idea. Don't hate me for it please. Okay, I'll try to update again soon. I'd like to hear what all of you have to say about what I decided to do so please review.


	19. Chapter 19: Broken

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 19: Broken

A/N: I hope you guys like this. Poor Olivia's experiencing a lot more angst than I ever wanted her too but I don't blame her. These characters always seem to get away from me when I write.

"You should get some sleep," Elliot said, motioning to the cot that the nurse had brought in for them so that they could be close to their children.

It was after midnight and Olivia still sat in the chair, on edge and alert in case she needed to be. She shook her head "I'm not tired," she lied. If she had to stay awake for the rest of her life, she would consider it a small sacrifice to make if she could protect their children.

Elliot touched her arm gently "Liv, you're exhausted," he had seen straight through her half assed attempt at deception. "You need some rest," he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her from the chair, setting her on the cot "I'll keep an eye on the kids," he promised.

She half glared at him "You…" she began "I…" she could feel gravity pulling her body to the flimsy mattress of the cot; she was exhausted. "I'm getting up in two hours no matter what you say," she protested as he handed her a pillow.

"Four," he told her with a small smile.

"Two," she countered.

"Three and a half," he offered.

"Elliot," she stifled a yawn "I am not doing this."

He laughed and picked up the blanket from the foot of the cot and handing it to her "They're fine Olivia. Nothing's gonna happen to them."

Olivia nodded, wanting desperately to believe him. Her head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep but at first, she couldn't. Finally, her exhaustion won out and she drifted off.

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"Hey," Munch knocked on the frame of the slightly opened hospital room door. Elliot nodded to him and he and Fin walked in. Munch was carrying a cardboard tray of coffees and Fin was holding a large brown paper bag on which could plainly be seen the McDonalds logo.

"Have you guys eaten anything?" Fin asked, lowering his voice when he saw Olivia sleeping on the cot.

"Not really," Elliot shrugged, watching over Olivia with concern "I tried to get her to eat something but she said she wasn't hungry."

"And what's your excuse?" Munch asked, reaching into thee bag that Fin was holding and passing Elliot a cheeseburger.

"I've been… distracted," he replied, accepting the burger and unwrapping it "It took me for ever to get her to go to sleep."

"Gitano did a real number on her," Munch observed.

The other two men nodded their agreement. The psychological damage was immense. None of them wanted to imagine what it had been like for her though Elliot found himself thinking about it more than he cared to.

Munch cleared his throat "Downing called," he began.

Elliot sat back in his chair and braced himself "And…?"

"He talked to the director of the FBI," Munch continued "Because Olivia was one of the original detectives on the Gitano case, she's working with us to try and catch him."

Elliot looked down into Olivia's sleeping face. It was full of agony. He looked back at Munch "Does Downing understand the situation here?" he asked.

"It was the director of the FBI's idea," Fin put in "Downing actually tried to talk him out of it."

"I can't let her do that," Elliot whispered.

"The director is her boss and his orders stand," Munch said somberly.

The three men sat in silence for a long time. The silence was only broken by a sound from the cot. Olivia rolled over and made a noise so pitiful that Munch, Fin and Elliot all stared at each other.

"Please," Olivia began to talk in her sleep "Please just take me. Don't do this." None of them had ever heard her sound so vulnerable. As they watched, she began to tremble and tears slid out from between her closed eyelids.

Elliot stood up and crossed the few feet to the cot. He bent down beside her and put a hand on her shoulder "Liv, wake up honey," he soothed but she remained trapped in her nightmare. He turned to the others "See what I mean," he said. He shook her shoulder lightly.

Her eyes popped open "Elliot," she breathed. She sat up and looked around "The kids," she gasped.

"Shhhh, they're fine," he murmured as he held her and let her sob into his chest.

Olivia clung to him tight as her body was uncontrollably wracked with sobs. Finally, she pulled away from him and looked towards where the children were. It was then that she noticed Munch and Fin. Her face flushed and she bowed her head, wiping furiously at her tears. "Uh… hi guys," she muttered sheepishly "Sorry about…"

"Don't apologize," Munch said understandingly.

"You know we're here for you," Fin said, reaching into the paper bag and taking out a napkin "It's not a tissue," he said apologetically as he passed it to her.

"Thanks," Olivia gave him a half smile as she used the napkin to wipe her face "Smells like McDonalds," she commented and they all shared a short laugh.

"Hungry?" Fin asked, holding a cheeseburger out to her.

Olivia shook her head "No thanks."

"When was the last time you ate?" Elliot asked.

Olivia wasn't sure. Gitano had busted in before the dinner had been cooked and she couldn't remember eating breakfast that morning either. She just shook her head "I'm not hungry," she said firmly, waving a hand in the direction of the bag in Fin's hand. "I could use some water though," she stood up.

"Gotcha covered," Munch handed her a bottle of water that sat in the middle of the tray of coffees.

"Thanks," Olivia took the bottle and sat down again.

They sat in silence for a long time. None of them wanted to bring up the subject that they had been talking about just before Olivia had woken up. They were afraid of how she would react. The subject wasn't discussed any further that night or the next on for that matter.

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The days past on with Olivia barely ever leaving the room and when she did, she never went further than the vending machines. Occasionally, Maureen or Kathleen or the twins would come by to sit with her when Elliot couldn't be there, once even Lucy and Charlie stopped by.

"Look at my cool casts Aunt Olivia," Charlie smiled as he used his crutches to walk over to her.

Olivia gave the boy a tiny smile as she picked him up and sat him in her lap "Nice," she said as way of humoring him; to her, just seeing those casts broke her heart.

"You wanna sign them?" he asked, hopefully.

"Sure," Olivia looked around for something to write with. She looked up and saw Lucy holding a purple pen out to her "Thanks," she whispered taking it. She looked at the cast on Charlie's arm and saw, among other signatures that she didn't recognize, those of Elliot, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, Elizabeth, Munch, Fin, Lucy, Casey, Cragen and Simon. She hadn't seen Simon since Gitano had shot him. Elliot had told her that he was all right but that he'd be in the hospital for a long time but somehow, seeing his signature, knowing that he had written those letters with his own hand, made her feel better. She traced the letters with her finger. She'd have to go see him.

She uncapped the pen and signed her name just below Elliot's "There you go," she said, looking at her nephew.

"Thanks," he grinned at her and slid off her lap, grabbing his crutches.

Olivia looked up at Lucy again, handing her the pen back "How are you feeling?" she asked, hating herself for what had happened to her sister-in-law.

Lucy sat down in the chair next to her "I'm okay I guess," she said glumly.

"Lucy," Olivia whispered "I'm so sorry about-"

"Don't be," Lucy said quickly "I'm just glad that I still have Simon and Charlie," she sniffled "Like he said, we can have another child," Lucy hid her face in her hands.

Olivia reached out to her "Lucy… I… I wish that this had never happened," she turned away from her "Thanks for coming to visit."

Lucy nodded and stood up "Charlie," she called to her son who was showing his casts to Rose "We should get going and go see Dad."

Charlie nodded and hobbled over to his mother "Bye Aunt Olivia," he waved with his good arm.

"Bye Charlie," she waved back.

Before she left, Lucy put a hand on Olivia's shoulder "Everything's gonna work out. Please don't blame yourself for any of this."

Olivia nodded but remained silent as she watched them leave.

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Later that afternoon, Elliot showed up with another bag of McDonalds, hoping that he could coax Olivia to eat something this time. It had been nearly a week and all he'd seen her put into her body was water and the occasional piece of chewing gum or tic-tac. She was by standing by Rose's bed when he entered.

When she heard him approach she looked up. "Hi," she said, trying to smile. Then she asked the question she'd asked every day "Did they find Gitano yet?"

Elliot sighed, setting the bag of food down and moving behind her, encircling her with his arms "Not yet," he said sadly before quickly changing the subject "How're they doing today?"

She turned to him "They're both napping now," she reported.

"I can see that," he chuckled.

She swatted his chest playfully "Rose wants to know if she's gonna get to leave the hospital before Christmas. I told her that we get to leave tomorrow," she looked down "I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to someplace that isn't swarming with people," she admitted.

Elliot pulled her closer "I know," he said, stroking her hair. He had felt safe knowing that she was surrounded by people every second.

"But," Olivia said, trying to be upbeat "It'll be nice to stop living out of my duffle bag," she tried to laugh.

"Yeah," Elliot ran his thumb along her jaw line and brought his lips closer to hers. He kissed her "I promise, I'll make sure you're safe," he pulled back and added "All of you."

She rested her head against his shoulder "Thank you," she whispered.

He held her and they stood there for a long time before he pulled back "Do you think I could convince you to eat something today?"

Olivia looked down "Maybe a little bit," she admitted.

Elliot smiled and picked up the McDonalds bag "Dig in."

The time passed and Elliot enjoyed the small victory of getting Olivia to eat a few French fries and a bite of a cheeseburger.

When Zack began to cry, Olivia forgot all about the food and crossed the room to his crib. She picked him up and carried him over to where she and Elliot had been sitting. She took her seat again and smiled down into his tiny face "I'm glad he still loves me," she whispered.

"Of course he does," Elliot smiled, reaching out and touching the baby's cheek with his finger. He cleared his throat "Listen," he began "I was going to tell you earlier but there's something I think you should know before we leave here tomorrow."

Olivia looked up "Yeah?" she asked.

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Olivia hung up the phone and sighed. She rested her head against the cool metal of the phone booth; she would have used her cell phone if it weren't for the nurse who had caught her and reprimanded her, telling her that she wasn't supposed to use it within the confines of the hospital.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked from behind her. He held Zack in his arms and the baby had drifted off to sleep.

"Better than I've been," she whispered. She turned around to face Elliot "As soon as I write the formal letter, it'll be official."

"You sure you wanna do this?" Elliot asked for the thirteenth time.

Olivia followed him back to the room "I can't do the chasing down bad guys thing anymore," she said, her eyes on her shoes the whole time "It just… it's just gotten… too… personal."

Elliot nodded "Well, before you write that letter, maybe you should talk to Huang."

Olivia looked at him for a few seconds in awkward silence before nodding "Probably," she consented. The fact that she didn't even put up a fight when Elliot had suggested that she see Huang was an indicator of just how much she needed to talk to him.

"Things will work out," he told her as he lowered Zack carefully into the crib "We'll catch him."

Olivia nodded and sat down on the cot, reaching out to Elliot "Come sit with me for a while?" she asked.

Elliot nodded and dropped down beside her on the cot. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders "I won't let anything happen to you."

"I know," she smiled softly, resting his head on her shoulder "I love you."

Elliot smiled "I love you too Olivia." And in that hospital room, that night, for that brief period of time, things were good.

A/N: Please review. I promise I'll try to update soon.


	20. Chapter 20: Hideaway

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 20: Hideaway

A/N: I might be going away this weekend and I just wanted to get this chapter up before I left, I promise there are no evil cliffhangers this time. Please enjoy and as always, if you have time, I'd really appreciated it if you used that time to send me a review and let me know if you like what I'm doing.

Olivia was surprised when she woke up, surprised because she didn't remember falling asleep. It had been a peaceful sleep, one without nightmares or any dreams of any kind for that matter. She could feel Elliot's strong arms wrapped around her waist. She separated herself from him and sat up.

Rose was sitting up in bed "Morning Livvie," she called brightly.

"Morning honey," Olivia replied softly. She was amazed by how the little girl could seem so cheerful after everything that had happened to her. Olivia wondered if Rose had already suppressed the memory or something to that effect. God knew Olivia would give anything to be able to suppress that memory.

Olivia got up and crossed to the bed. She bent down and enveloped the little girl in a huge hug "How are you feeling this morning?" she asked.

"Good," Rose smiled. She looked up at Olivia "Livvie, I hungry. Oatmeal pwease?"

Olivia smiled "Sure honey, I'll go ask the nurse." She turned to leave the room. On her way out she passed the cot. She bent and shook Elliot's shoulder gently "Wake up sleepy head," she teased.

His eyes popped open and he smiled at her "Morning yourself," he said sleepily, sitting up.

"I'm gonna go talk to the nurse," Olivia told him "I'll be right back."

Elliot nodded. He stood up and went over to his daughter "Morning sweetie," he smiled down at her.

"Morning Dada," she greeted with enthusiasm. Zack began to stir and Rose gestured to the crib with her arm "Morning Zacky," she beamed.

Elliot went to the crib and picked up Zack "And how are you this morning buddy?" he cooed to the boy. Zack simply burbled and blew a spit bubble. "Is that some secret baby speak for happy?" Elliot asked, carrying him over to Rose's bed and sitting down beside it.

Olivia walked back into the room with a tray with Rose's oatmeal and a couple of muffins for her and Elliot in one hand and a bottle full of formula for Zack in the other. She stopped in her tracks watching Elliot with the kids. He was helping Rose to hold Zack and she was being gentle with him, being careful not to touch his "Owies". Olivia smiled and softly cleared her throat, making her presence known.

Elliot looked up "Hi," he smiled softly. He turned back to Rose "Looks like Livvie brought breakfast."

Olivia pulled the table over and set the oatmeal in front of Rose. She positioned the spoon in Rose's good hand before pulling Elliot to the side. She lifted Zack out of his arms "You know," she said in a whisper so that Rose wouldn't overhear "We have to have a talk about this whole 'Livvie' thing."

"What about it?" Elliot asked.

"Well," Olivia started, shifting Zack carefully to one side "Your daughter can get away with it because she's too young to know better and she's cute but you-"

"You don't think I'm cute?" Elliot asked, pouting a little.

Olivia leaned in and kissed him "You're down right adorable," she assured him before continuing "I mean you should know better."

"You don't like being called 'Livvie'?" he asked, poking her playfully in the ribs.

"Not unless the person doing the calling is under four feet tall," she replied.

"Hmm…" Elliot scratched his head "That's gonna cause some problems down the road. What should Rose call you when she starts getting taller? Probably 'Mom' or 'Mommy'," he had said this last part without really thinking but he didn't have any objections to it. But it wasn't the time to be discussing those sorts of things.

Olivia's face fell and she reached for the bottle of formula, sinking into a chair "'Livvie' is fine," she murmured, beginning to feed Zack "It'll probably grow on me."

Elliot sat down beside her. He watched as Zack sucked on the bottle. He reached out and placed his hand over hers on the baby bottle "Sorry about that," he said quietly "I didn't want to make you upset," she had been in such a good mood that morning until he had gone and tripped over his own words.

"No," she said, looking up at him "It's not that… I mean, it is and it isn't… I don't know…" she trailed off and looked back into her son's face. Rose had never known her real mother, Olivia didn't feel like she had earned the right to be called that by the little girl. She sighed heavily, glancing at her watch "The nurse will be in to discharge them soon," she said simply.

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"I thought that Maureen was coming to help us," Olivia observed as they walked out of the hospital, Olivia holding Zack and Elliot, carrying Rose. The poor child had both legs incased in casts and would be reliving her earlier immobile days for the next several weeks.

Elliot unlocked the car doors and strapped Rose into her car seat "We'll be meeting up with her later," he explained.

"At the apartment," Olivia said, it wasn't really a question but she still waited for some sort of reply from Elliot as she finished strapping Zack into the car seat and hovered there waiting for a response. Elliot didn't respond but instead, climbed into the driver's seat. Olivia decided not to think too much about it and got in the passenger's side.

Elliot started the car "Wave bye-bye to the hospital Rose," Elliot said as they left the parking lot.

"No," Rose responded almost bitterly "Don't like hopstital."

"That makes two of us," Olivia muttered, not bothering to bite back the grin that broke through.

"Make that three," Elliot added in such a low whisper that only Olivia could hear him."

They drove in silence for a while. Olivia spent most of her time staring into the rearview mirror to make sure they weren't being followed. She didn't notice that Elliot was doing the same.

"Wait a minute," Olivia said suddenly and Elliot nearly lost control of the car, he was so caught off guard by the sound of her voice.

"What?" he asked, trying not to sound as on edge as he felt.

"We just passed your apartment building," Olivia told him.

"Oh," Elliot remarked and continued to drive "Don't worry about it."

"Huh?" Olivia murmured "Should I be worried?"

"No," Elliot said in a calming tone "I just thought… well, you'll see."

"Okay," Olivia settled herself back into her seat and continued watching the rearview mirror "I hope this isn't one of those 'jump out and surprise the already on edge woman with the gun' kind of 'you'll see' things."

Elliot wished he could have a moment so that he could call them and tell them not to yell 'Surprise'.

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"It's been an hour and a half," Olivia noted. They had long since left the city limits. As far as she could tell, they were headed somewhere upstate. The kids had fallen asleep in their car seats and Olivia was getting impatient "Could you please tell me where we're going?"

"I'd like to," Elliot smiled slightly "But I promised I'd keep it a secret."

"You're starting to scare me," Olivia said in all seriousness.

Elliot pulled off to the side of the road for a minute. He turned and looked at Olivia, covering her hand with his where it lay between them "Call it an early Christmas present," he told her. When that didn't elicit any sort of change in Olivia's attitude he continued "Do you trust me?"

"With my life," she replied without even having to consider her answer for a second "And my son's life," she added.

"Then don't worry," he told her. He pulled the car back onto the road and continued driving "We should be there soon," he told her.

"Great," Olivia murmured "I just wish I knew where there was."

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Elliot pulled into the driveway of the house. Olivia looked out the window at the trees and the flower beds which, if it were spring instead of late fall, would probably be overflowing with colorful plants. "Where are we?" she breathed, opening the door and breathing in the clean air, so much different than the thick, car exhaust filled citty air.

Elliot lifted Rose out of her car seat "Let's go inside. We'll explain everything."

"We…?" Olivia murmured, lifting Zack from his car seat and following Elliot.

Elliot stood in front of the door and watched Olivia "You might wanna hand me your gun," he suggested half kidding.

"Why…?" Olivia asked suspiciously but, remembering their earlier conversation, she groaned "No Elliot, don't tell me you drove me all the way up here so people could jump out and yell surprise at me and scare me half to death?" she waited for a response but Elliot just stood there with his hand outstretched. She rolled her eyes and handed it to him "Here, take it. I don't want to kill someone before I get the chance to verbally tear them apart for this."

Elliot took her gun from her and almost laughed, almost, because he knew that her words had some truth to them. He opened the door.

"Surprise!" the gathering screamed as soon as Olivia could be seen by all of them.

"This doesn't look much like a party," Olivia observed as she walked in to the spacious main room and sat in one of the arm chairs.

"It isn't exactly," Elliot explained, coming and sitting on the corner of the sofa closest to her. "It's more like a 'welcome to your vacation' thing…" he trailed off.

Cragen stepped forward "What Mr. Articulate is trying to say is that we've all decided to give you a little break until the New Year."

Olivia looked up "All of you?" she asked in amazement.

"Got someone to cover all of my shifts at the restaurant," Maureen smiled.

"Downing let us take vacation time," Munch explained "We had enough of it built up. He's still got Chester and all the other SVU detectives in all the other burrows to help him find Gitano."

"We shrinks are a dime a dozen," George Huang quipped "I found someone to take care of all my appointments."

"We got a note that says we don't have to go back to school until next year," Lizzie told Olivia.

"Yeah," Dickie added "And a whole pile of assignments that we're supposed to have finished by then."

"No big cases that I need to be around for," Casey explained "I found an adequate replacement."

"We're still on paid medical leave from our jobs," Simon explained from his seat at the other end of the couch. It was the first time Olivia had seen him in over a week. He looked so pale and he seemed to have aged a great deal.

"Charlie's teachers gave me his work for the next month and a half," Lucy smiled.

"I finished my finals early just for this," Kathleen told Olivia as she came forward and stood to Olivia's left "I love a good long vacation."

Everyone had given an explanation for their presence except for Cragen. Olivia leaned forward "And what's your deal Cap?" she asked.

"None of that," he corrected quickly "It's just Don now Olivia. And, well it's my vacation house."

"It's huge," Olivia observed.

"Yeah," Cragen shrugged, settling down into another armchair. Everyone around the room found places to sit which were not lacking. There were three couches in the space and at least half a dozen armchairs.

"Marge and I bought this place a long time ago," Cragen reminisced "She always wanted a big family but…" he trailed off. He was never exactly sure why he had held on to the place after she died. Sure, he liked to escape from the city on those rare occasions when he could but the place was just so damn big that whenever he did come to it, he was overcome with the realization of just how alone he was.

"Is there enough room for all of us?" Olivia asked.

"Definitely," Elliot smiled as Maureen took Rose from his arms.

"What about our clothes… and the baby things… and-" Olivia stammered.

"We packed all of it last night," Maureen told her as she cuddled her youngest sister in her arms.

"You guys are sneaky!" Olivia said all of a sudden "Where did you hide all of your cars? I didn't see them when we drove up."

"We hid them in the woods," Munch replied "Hey," he addressed the designated drivers of the group "We should probably go move them before they get coated in squirrel droppings." He, Maureen, Cragen and Huang all filed out of the room. They soon returned and the conversation continued.

Elliot and Olivia managed to sneak away somewhere in the third hour with the excuse that Rose and Zack needed their rest. Elliot took his youngest daughter from Huang, who she had somehow managed to make her way over to him during the course of the afternoon. And Olivia retrieved her son from Casey, who was absolutely gushing about how cute he was.

Elliot led Olivia up the stairs and to a bedroom at the end of the hall. He opened the door and Olivia gasped "Elliot, this is… wow," she finished.

"Cragen said he had no use for the master bedroom so he said we could have it," Elliot told her.

"This is all very nice," Olivia started "But I thought we were going to put the kids down for a nap?"

"No nap," Rose protested sleepily, her voice slightly muffled by Elliot's chest.

"Oh we are," Elliot opened the door to what appeared to have once been a walk in closet but had recently been transformed into a nursery.

There was a window at the far end of the room and underneath the window was a bed similar to the bed that Rose slept in at Elliot's apartment. Against the wall at a right angle to that bed was a crib. Olivia looked at Elliot "When…?"

"We've had a busy week," he explained, walking to the bed and putting Rose down. He pulled the covers up over her and kissed her forehead "Sweet dreams kiddo," he whispered.

Olivia placed Zack in the crib and turned, embracing Elliot warmly "You're just too amazing," she told him as she pressed her lips to his.

"I'll do anything to make sure that you feel safe," he told her as he walked with her back into the bedroom, flipping on the baby monitor as he left.

"Thank you," she whispered as they stood in the center of the room. She rested in his arms and smiled, genuinely for the first time in far too long.

A/N: I figured that after what Olivia's been through, she could use a bit of time with the people in her life that care about her. I took a little author's license and created a place to suit my needs but I hope none of you will fault me for that. I'll update as soon as I get back at the beginning of next week.


	21. Chapter 21: Merry Christmas

Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 21: Merry Christmas

That night, long after everyone else had gone to bed, Olivia lay awake, listening to the even breathing of the children through the baby monitor. Elliot lay beside her, his arms wrapped around her, protecting her as best he could from the evil of the world. She thought that he had long since fallen asleep so she was surprised when the silence was broken by a concerned whisper.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, lifting his hand and bringing it to rest on her cheek.

She jumped momentarily and then relaxed. She nodded sadly "Not really," she replied.

He nodded his understanding and pulled her closer "I know the feeling," he said, moving the hand that had been resting on her cheek to the back of her head.

She lifted her head from the pillow and pressed her lips to his "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" he asked. She had already thanked him several times for setting all of this up when in fact, he couldn't take all the credit.

"Just being here," she replied, laying her head back down and snuggling as close to him as she could.

"Anytime," he smiled and pressed his lips to the top of her head as she burrowed her way deep into his chest.

She smiled as she listened to the rhythmic beating of his heart "What did I do right in my life do deserve you?" she asked quietly.

Elliot kissed the top of her head again "Too many things to count," he replied "Too many things to count."

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The weeks passed quickly, far too quickly for Olivia's liking, and soon it was Christmas Eve. Elliot, Munch and Fin along with Simon, who although he wasn't supposed to be putting any unnecessary strain on himself had tagged along anyway, had traipsed into the woods and come back with a tree. Cragen drove into town and bought a string of lights. And Olivia, Lucy and the children made paper decorations. It was the most fun Olivia could ever remember having in preparation for any holiday.

Elliot walked into the kitchen to see Maureen and Kathleen rummaging around in drawers and cabinets and Olivia, looking a little out of place, standing by an electric mixer with a cookbook open right beside it. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, making sure his two oldest children weren't looking before he kissed her. "Whatcha doing?" he asked, looking down at the title of the recipe that the book was open to.

"Freaking out," she replied, looking down into the contents of the mixer "Cookies shouldn't be this hard."

He kissed her again "You'll do fine," he reassured her.

"Thanks," she sighed as Zack banged a toy rolling pin against the kitchen table "I hope you're right."

Elliot smiled at Zack, walking over and picking him up from his high chair "Are you being helpful?" he asked, tickling the baby. Zack laughed and waved the little rolling pin around in the air in response. Elliot put him back in the highchair and returned to Olivia's side "I've gotta go," he told her "If I'm not back by dinner just save me something."

Olivia looked at him in confusion "What are you talking about?" she asked "Where are you going?"

"Downing called," he told her and the expression on her face quickly turned sour. "They think they know where Gitano is."

"You're not supposed to be working," she told him firmly, fear beginning to course through her as she remembered another man who only a little more than a month ago had told her that he was leaving to catch a criminal and had never come back. Losing Dean had hurt but if she lost Elliot, it would destroy her. She wrapped her arms around him, clutching him to her as if the mere act of letting go was too painful for her "You can't go," she whispered.

He gently took her hands in his "I'll be fine," he told her and with one last kiss, he walked out of the kitchen.

Olivia completely forgot about the cookies that she had been set on making and ran after him. She caught up with him just as he was unlocking the door to his car and she practically flung herself into his arms "You don't have to go," she pleaded with him "It doesn't matter who brings him down. Just stay," she was crying now, horrible images of shootouts gone wrong and Elliot lying dead on the pavement assaulting her mind.

He took her face in his hands and looked deep into her eyes "I want to kill him for what he did," he told her plainly.

She nodded "So do I Elliot but… it… it isn't worth losing you," she dropped her gaze "Please, tell Downing that you can't get there in time or something," she whispered.

Elliot pulled her into a tight embrace. He wanted to make Gitano pay for hurting his kids and the psychological damage he had inflicted on Olivia but as he stood there, holding her, he realized that he was only deepening that emotional wound. He reached up and stroked her hair "Downing isn't expecting me," he told her softly "It was just a courtesy call." When he had heard Downing's voice on the other end of the phone, telling him that they knew where Gitano was and that they'd have him in custody in a matter of minutes, he had wanted nothing less than the satisfaction of feeling that monster's last breath leave his body. Now he began to realize that revenge just wasn't worth all the pain he had caused her in just the last few minutes.

Olivia gave a shuddering sob, releasing all her fear and nervous energy as relief rushed over her "Thank you," she whispered as she held him and he held her.

They stood like that for some time before Olivia felt something "What the…?" she asked as she pulled back just a bit and looked around.

Elliot looked around as well "It's snowing," he observed.

Olivia smiled "It's beautiful," she whispered.

Elliot kissed her as the flakes fell around them. "Aren't you cold?" he finally asked. He noticed that she had run out of the house without a jacket.

"A little," she admitted as she rested in his arms "But it's not that bad."

"Come on," he smiled lightly at her "Let's get you inside." The two of them started to walk back inside together.

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"Are you sure?" Elliot asked for the third time as he climbed on the bed beside her "I mean you've been through a lot in the past month and I don't want to…"

"Shhhhhh," she cupped his face in her hands and placed her lips over his "Believe me when I say that I am totally sure about this.

"Really?" he asked as he fumbled with the buttons of his shirt.

She smiled and undid the buttons for him "Yeah," she said as she pushed his shirt off his shoulders and lifted her own over her head, throwing them both into the far corner of the master bedroom.

Elliot grinned widely as he laid her gently down beneath him. He slid her jeans down past her hips as her fingers worked nimbly to free him from his own pants.

Pretty soon, their clothing lay haphazardly around the room and the two of them lay tangled in a passionate heap on the bed. Hands explored and caressed places that the other had only dreamed about touching until that moment.

They had just finished and collapsed beside one another when there was a frantic knocking at the door. The two of them looked at each other out of sheer terror for a moment "Did you lock it?" Olivia asked in a whisper.

Elliot nodded as he got up and began groaping for his clothing, tossing Olivia's clothes to her as he came upon them "I wonder what's up?" he asked no one in particular.

"Hey you two," it was Cragen's voice and Olivia could feel her cheeks burning. She imagined that this was something close to what it was like to be caught with your boyfriend in your parents' bed.

They finished getting dressed and Elliot opened the door. Olivia remained on the bed, trying to hide her face and with it, the embarrassment that she couldn't seem to mask.

"Downing's here," Cragen told them.

"Why the housecall?" Elliot mused.

"He said it's about Gitano," Cragen explained and suddenly Olivia didn't care whether or not she looked embarrassed.

She shot up like a bolt of lightning "What about Gitano?" she asked hurriedly.

"He didn't say," Cragen told them "He wants to speak with both of you."

Elliot and Olivia nodded. Olivia grabbed the baby monitor and slipped it into her pocket as she followed Elliot and Cragen downstairs.

Downing sat in one of the arm chairs facing the stairs. He rose when he saw Olivia and Elliot enter. He shook both their hands before taking his seat once again. Elliot took a seat on the couch opposite him and Olivia sat on Elliot's right. Cragen, who decided that the three should be allowed to talk in private, went into the kitchen to see if there were any cookies left that hadn't been set aside for Santa Claus.

Downing cleared his throat "How are the two of you holding up?" he asked.

"Fine," Elliot answered. Both he and Olivia were on edge and eager to learn what it was that Downing had driven all this way to tell them.

"I just wanted to let you know that our plan to capture Gitano didn't go as planned," Downing told them.

Olivia nearly jumped, trying to keep her composure "What?" she asked.

Elliot dropped his arm around her shoulders and held on to her for dear life "What do you mean?" he asked, almost angrily.

Downing cleared his throat again "He was ready for us," he said sadly "We lost three good cops," he looked down, trying to keep his tears in before he looked back up at them with something close to a smile trying to form on his lips "But you don't have to worry about him ever again. He's dead."

Both Olivia and Elliot sighed "Really?" they asked at the same time. They had thought he'd been dead before but they'd been wrong.

"I saw his body myself," Downing assured "I've asked Warner to hold the body until the two of you get a chance to see it for yourselves."

Olivia relaxed slightly "No mistakes this time," she whispered.

"Leaving nothing to chance, I assure you," Downing told them both. He settled himself in the chair and cleared his throat again "The funerals for the officers who were killed are going to be next week if you'd like to be there."

Olivia picked up Elliot's hand and squeezed it tight, glad that he had decided not to go "We'll be there," she promised solemnly.

Downing stood up and looked at his watch "I've gotta get home," he told them "If I'm lucky, I can catch my kids before they fall asleep."

"Thank you for coming to tell us in person," Olivia said as she and Elliot walked him to the door.

Downing turned to her and smiled slightly "I heard you told the FBI to take a hike," he almost laughed.

"Yeah," Olivia said, looking away for a moment "I don't think I can go back there."

"So, you'll be looking for a new job soon?" he asked.

She nodded "I guess so. Are you offering Captain?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Elliot give her a questioning look.

Downing pulled one of his cards from his wallet "Give me a call when you're ready. I'm sure we can find something for you," he said.

Olivia's mouth dropped. She had been joking. She took the card and her gaze dropped "Thank you sir… but," she turned and looked in Elliot's direction "I'm not sure it would be appropriate considering…"

"Oh," Downing said in understanding "Give me a call anyway," he told her "I'm sure we can work something out."

"Thank you," Olivia smiled as Downing walked out into the snow. She turned to Elliot and her smile grew wider. She closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around him "I just got a job offer," she beamed.

"I thought you were done chasing bad guys?" he asked a bit skeptically. He loved her and he had loved having her as his partner but he didn't think they could go back to the way things had been now that they were… he wasn't quite sure if what they were right now even had a name. Maybe by Christmas it would but…

"I'd be happy just to be a secretary," she told him. She was thrilled to be offered a chance to work anywhere near Elliot. She just needed to know he was safe and if she worked in the precinct, she would be in the loop again.

Elliot smiled "You'd better give him a call after Christmas," he told her, sliding a hand up the front of her shirt and tickling her. At that moment, the grandfather clock in the living room struck midnight. Elliot reached into his back pocket, hoping that it was still there, it was.

"Hey," Olivia smiled, kissing his lips softly "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Elliot returned the kiss before dropping to his knee in front of her and taking her left hand in his.

"Elliot," Olivia said softly. Her voice sounded so faint in her ears.

"Liv, I know this is fast. It's probably too soon and I'm sorry but I love you and I can't imagine the rest of my life without you. I've gone over this in my mind a hundred times and I can't put it off," he pulled out the small jewelry box and popped it open "Will you marry me?" he looked up at her with eyes fully of apprehension. Maybe it had been to soon to ask? But two and a half years of separation had made him realize that he never wanted to be separated from her again. His mind raced and what was no more than a few seconds seemed like hours to him.

Olivia smiled, kneeling down and wrapping her arms around him "Do you even have to ask?" she smiled as her eyes welled up.

The hallway at the top of the staircase erupted with applause. Elliot and Olivia stood up and turned the corner to see everyone, with the exception of Rose and Zack who were still sleeping soundly in the nursery, standing at the top of the stairs, clapping.

"How…?" Olivia trailed off.

"We heard that Downing was here," Munch replied.

"You've been eves dropping?" Elliot asked.

"Well… yes," Lucy began "But at first it was purely for our own piece of mind."

"But we sort of thought we'd stick around for the long run," Simon added.

Elliot looked accusingly as Simon "You told them," he said, trying not to smile.

Simon held his hands up "I told them you were going to ask. None of us knew she was gonna say yes."

"Oh yes we did," Casey grinned.

Olivia collapsed into Elliot's arms "We can kill them tomorrow," she laughed and yawned at the same time "Right now, I'm exhausted." She and Elliot walked up the stairs and pushed their way through the crowd of hugs and high fives to get back to the bedroom.

The two of them collapsed on the bed side by side. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply "Merry Christmas," he whispered when they broke apart for air.

She smiled up at him "Best Christmas ever,"

THE END

A/N: Well, our journey has come to an end. I hope that there are no major issues with how I ended the story. I hope I have satisfied my loyal readers. Many thanks to all those who have reviewed and please, if you have time, I would love to hear what you thought of this last chapter of what was a summer long labor of love. Hugs and kisses to you all

Elliot and Olivia for eternity

Merry Shipper Christmas

Proud EO shipper

3 Kelly


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